Yeah. I'm scared of suicide. I am.

[Un-]

[Give me advice, I suppose. I don't know what. But words of wisdom wouldn't hurt right now]

I'm not scared of how I die, or what happens after it. But I'm avoiding confronting suicide.

I don't know why. Everything in my life is pointing to suicide. I have what I need, and I've had multiple opportunities this week to do it.

I think I'm just scared. I think it's because of the people I care about. I mean they know I want to die. But it doesn't make it easier. And I prefer not thinking about how much I'll damage my immediate family. It's just myself, my sister and my mother.

And, because they know about my mental state, and because they're also depressed.. Man.

I'm trying not to think of anyone but myself. I know my future is just.. God awful. But I'm still here.

Is this my survival instinct? I don't think so. But it is irrational that I haven't done myself over yet. Sigh.

My biggest fear was this. An inability to die when my life has crumbled.

It's like being the last soldier alive on the losing side of a battle field. You have the option to take yourself out, but you're just.. You just can't. But you know that living on will only lead to much more suffering, and eventually a death that's probably worse than suicide.

I don't think I'm making sense..

 

[MidnightDream]

You're making sense. And how you feel is both valid and normal - Of course you're scared, we're literally programmed to want to survive, mentally and physically. SI or not, it can be so difficult to overcome that primal fear, especially when you're ultimately facing the unknown.

 

[damaged_soul]

You're totally making sense. Your post resonates with me deeply. I too am very scared of suicide. Not of death or what happens after, but of the process of getting there. I am afraid I'm going to mess up and call 911 for help and be put into a psych ward. I know that I am just creating more needless suffering for myself by being here but I am just too much of a pathetic coward to finally take the plunge and actually ctb. I desperately want to achieve suicide one day, it's literally my life dream. I have spent over 50 hours researching suicide in-depth and making a detailed plan and preparations. I have the analytical, critical thinking, and research skills for ctb but those are just not enough without the courage that is necessary to finally get out of here. Now I am trying on building up my courage and un-cowarding myself. For the past months I have been dealing with a painful health issue which I have had to manage completely on my own, and I even managed to put off seeking treatment for a long time, so at least I have proven to myself that I can manage pain independently without having to reach out for help immediately, which hopefully should help me when I get the painful symptoms of SN poisoning. To further build up independence and courage, I am trying to get an internship in a foreign country myself. Not only would that push me to become even more independent than I already am and give me more money for suicide supplies, but hopefully it may prepare me for traveling to Bolivia someday to get N. I still am not sure if that will be enough to make me a sufficiently brave person. I have a feeling that I need to try out things wildly outside of my comfort zone, like going on rollercoasters, but just the thought of that scares me. I do think that I will need to resort to purchasing benzos off the dark web if the propranolol I ordered doesn't help, because I am just too anxious of a person. Sigh. Hopefully little by little, taking things one step at a time, one day I will get where I need to be.

 

[TydalWave]

Your experience is much more common than you think. I think we need another term for this because you are right it feels different from SI. And not everyone goes through this, but a lot of people do. Some people go out on a low so consumed by emotional pain they can't even put together these thoughts. Others are able to block out these thoughts completely and compartmentalize their suffering. Then there's us.

It does feel like an irritational burden at times. The moment our mind is made up, our brain comes up with all these new barriers blocking our exit. But the reasons you listed are not irrational--they are completely valid. And you are also valid for wanting to leave. So unfortunately, these two truths are at odds with each other and you are right in the middle being pulled in both directions.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Makes perfect sense to me. You don't want to hurt the ones you love. I feel the same. I feel SO ready to go. I'm utterly dreading trying to get through the coming months/years. Still- I know what it would do to my Dad and for the moment anyway- I don't feel like I could do that to him. I'm hoping everyone else will accept it in the end.

Of course, I'm scared of the actual act too. I've never actually attempted before. I have no idea what I'll be like or how strong my SI will be. Still- I sort of feel like life is full of having to do horrible things that scare you in order to achieve stuff. Looks like CTB is the same.

Sadly- there isn't much advice I can give you. I think we all know when we simply can't keep going anymore- whether we hurt people or not. I guess there can come a point where all your resources and resilience for dealing with it all has gone. I just hope mine will last out long enough for my Dad. I wish you well- whatever you decide.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Letting the life slowly drain from the hourglass assuming that when I hit rock bottom I'll somehow disappear. But truth is I'll still be alive with even more dire problems. So I default to laying in bed. It's warm and safe here. For now. The gap between wanting to vanish and doing something about it is a chasm.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Same. Survival Instinct is a bitch.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I think I recall you saying you were 18, is that right?

 

[jessisme]

[Give me advice, I suppose. I don't know what. But words of wisdom wouldn't hurt right now]

I'm not scared of how I die, or what happens after it. But I'm avoiding confronting suicide.

I don't know why. Everything in my life is pointing to suicide. I have what I need, and I've had multiple opportunities this week to do it.

I think I'm just scared. I think it's because of the people I care about. I mean they know I want to die. But it doesn't make it easier. And I prefer not thinking about how much I'll damage my immediate family. It's just myself, my sister and my mother.

And, because they know about my mental state, and because they're also depressed.. Man.

I'm trying not to think of anyone but myself. I know my future is just.. God awful. But I'm still here.

Is this my survival instinct? I don't think so. But it is irrational that I haven't done myself over yet. Sigh.

My biggest fear was this. An inability to die when my life has crumbled.

It's like being the last soldier alive on the losing side of a battle field. You have the option to take yourself out, but you're just.. You just can't. But you know that living on will only lead to much more suffering, and eventually a death that's probably worse than suicide.

I don't think I'm making sense..

My future is likely going to be horrendous and filled with pain and suffering but I'm too afraid to commit suicide too. Mostly because I'm afraid of SN and the effects and I don't have other means. If it were not for my fears of the effects of SN I would be gone.

 

[conflagration]

There are only rare cases when you are unable to kill yourself, e.g. because you became paralyzed. Does it apply to you? If not, you can always kill yourself so why so no need to rush it. Better to be sure, as this is literally the most important decision in your life.

 

[Un-]

You're totally making sense. Your post resonates with me deeply. I too am very scared of suicide. Not of death or what happens after, but of the process of getting there. I am afraid I'm going to mess up and call 911 for help and be put into a psych ward. I know that I am just creating more needless suffering for myself by being here but I am just too much of a pathetic coward to finally take the plunge and actually ctb. I desperately want to achieve suicide one day, it's literally my life dream. I have spent over 50 hours researching suicide in-depth and making a detailed plan and preparations. I have the analytical, critical thinking, and research skills for ctb but those are just not enough without the courage that is necessary to finally get out of here. Now I am trying on building up my courage and un-cowarding myself. For the past months I have been dealing with a painful health issue which I have had to manage completely on my own, and I even managed to put off seeking treatment for a long time, so at least I have proven to myself that I can manage pain independently without having to reach out for help immediately, which hopefully should help me when I get the painful symptoms of SN poisoning. To further build up independence and courage, I am trying to get an internship in a foreign country myself. Not only would that push me to become even more independent than I already am and give me more money for suicide supplies, but hopefully it may prepare me for traveling to Bolivia someday to get N. I still am not sure if that will be enough to make me a sufficiently brave person. I have a feeling that I need to try out things wildly outside of my comfort zone, like going on rollercoasters, but just the thought of that scares me. I do think that I will need to resort to purchasing benzos off the dark web if the propranolol I ordered doesn't help, because I am just too anxious of a person. Sigh. Hopefully little by little, taking things one step at a time, one day I will get where I need to be.

The thing is, I'm not even the type of person to get scared. I'm not scared by horror movies. I'm not scared of gore, of roller-coasters, of dying even. And I've had close brushes with death. But for some reason I just can't.. Do this one thing. Sigh. Fuck.

Your experience is much more common than you think. I think we need another term for this because you are right it feels different from SI. And not everyone goes through this, but a lot of people do. Some people go out on a low so consumed by emotional pain they can't even put together these thoughts. Others are able to block out these thoughts completely and compartmentalize their suffering. Then there's us.

It does feel like an irritational burden at times. The moment our mind is made up, our brain comes up with all these new barriers blocking our exit. But the reasons you listed are not irrational--they are completely valid. And you are also valid for wanting to leave. So unfortunately, these two truths are at odds with each other and you are right in the middle being pulled in both directions.

It's very strange. Maybe it's a symptom of staying too long. I should've died years ago. Maybe this is the consequence.

Letting the life slowly drain from the hourglass assuming that when I hit rock bottom I'll somehow disappear. But truth is I'll still be alive with even more dire problems. So I default to laying in bed. It's warm and safe here. For now. The gap between wanting to vanish and doing something about it is a chasm.

Exactly. Instead of a bed, for me, I'm absorbed in video games. I don't enjoy them, but it's better than looking at that chasm.. Unfortunately, responsibilities just pile on me. They're forcing me to look at reality.

I think I recall you saying you were 18, is that right?

19.

My future is likely going to be horrendous and filled with pain and suffering but I'm too afraid to commit suicide too. Mostly because I'm afraid of SN and the effects and I don't have other means. If it were not for my fears of the effects of SN I would be gone.

I wish my fears were rational. Or even able to be described with words.

 

[outrider567]

[Give me advice, I suppose. I don't know what. But words of wisdom wouldn't hurt right now]

I'm not scared of how I die, or what happens after it. But I'm avoiding confronting suicide.

I don't know why. Everything in my life is pointing to suicide. I have what I need, and I've had multiple opportunities this week to do it.

I think I'm just scared. I think it's because of the people I care about. I mean they know I want to die. But it doesn't make it easier. And I prefer not thinking about how much I'll damage my immediate family. It's just myself, my sister and my mother.

And, because they know about my mental state, and because they're also depressed.. Man.

I'm trying not to think of anyone but myself. I know my future is just.. God awful. But I'm still here.

Is this my survival instinct? I don't think so. But it is irrational that I haven't done myself over yet. Sigh.

My biggest fear was this. An inability to die when my life has crumbled.

It's like being the last soldier alive on the losing side of a battle field. You have the option to take yourself out, but you're just.. You just can't. But you know that living on will only lead to much more suffering, and eventually a death that's probably worse than suicide.

I don't think I'm making sense..

Read some more recent NDE studies, they said that dying was really peaceful and serene for all of of them, and that all of them consequently lost their fear of death

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

And you've tried antidepressants ?

 

[FuneralCry]

But at least you have the SN which of course is a reliable method, so you can just exit when the time is right. Those with reliable poisons in their possession are fortunate, especially those with N, but SN does just sound a bit unpleasant and then all of the suffering and torture is over, forever. I so envy those who are no longer existing especially those who chose to voluntarily exit as they decided to prevent future years trapped in this nightmarish world.

 

[wait.what]

Dying terrifies just about everyone, even those who long for death most desperately. I've lost every battle I've had with my survival instinct so far, so I can't say I have any particularly useful advice in that regard.

I'm sorry to hear you're so miserable, though. I hope you're soon released from your pain.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

19.

It's really lamentable you feel you've hit the end of the road at such a young age. You're a very thoughtful person so I know your feelings are not unsound. Age doesn't necessarily negate that.

 

[Jarni]

My future is likely going to be horrendous and filled with pain and suffering but I'm too afraid to commit suicide too. Mostly because I'm afraid of SN and the effects and I don't have other means. If it were not for my fears of the effects of SN I would be gone.

Same... And I already have heavy shortness of breathe and tachycardia........

 

[Reallysad]

[Give me advice, I suppose. I don't know what. But words of wisdom wouldn't hurt right now]

I'm not scared of how I die, or what happens after it. But I'm avoiding confronting suicide.

I don't know why. Everything in my life is pointing to suicide. I have what I need, and I've had multiple opportunities this week to do it.

I think I'm just scared. I think it's because of the people I care about. I mean they know I want to die. But it doesn't make it easier. And I prefer not thinking about how much I'll damage my immediate family. It's just myself, my sister and my mother.

And, because they know about my mental state, and because they're also depressed.. Man.

I'm trying not to think of anyone but myself. I know my future is just.. God awful. But I'm still here.

Is this my survival instinct? I don't think so. But it is irrational that I haven't done myself over yet. Sigh.

My biggest fear was this. An inability to die when my life has crumbled.

It's like being the last soldier alive on the losing side of a battle field. You have the option to take yourself out, but you're just.. You just can't. But you know that living on will only lead to much more suffering, and eventually a death that's probably worse than suicide.

I don't think I'm making sense..

Your making perfect sense.i feel
Like I'm looking from the outside in on someone else's life and it's a total train wreck. As you say living on is prob worse than suicide but your survival instinct kicks in. I feel trapped either way and it's awful

 

[makethepainstop]

[Give me advice, I suppose. I don't know what. But words of wisdom wouldn't hurt right now]

I'm not scared of how I die, or what happens after it. But I'm avoiding confronting suicide.

I don't know why. Everything in my life is pointing to suicide. I have what I need, and I've had multiple opportunities this week to do it.

I think I'm just scared. I think it's because of the people I care about. I mean they know I want to die. But it doesn't make it easier. And I prefer not thinking about how much I'll damage my immediate family. It's just myself, my sister and my mother.

And, because they know about my mental state, and because they're also depressed.. Man.

I'm trying not to think of anyone but myself. I know my future is just.. God awful. But I'm still here.

Is this my survival instinct? I don't think so. But it is irrational that I haven't done myself over yet. Sigh.

My biggest fear was this. An inability to die when my life has crumbled.

It's like being the last soldier alive on the losing side of a battle field. You have the option to take yourself out, but you're just.. You just can't. But you know that living on will only lead to much more suffering, and eventually a death that's probably worse than suicide.

I don't think I'm making sense..

You make an enormous amount of sense! I feel the same way.

 

[Wannagonow]

I think you make perfect sense. You're staring into a big unknown. It's something that's going to make anyone uncomfortable or scared. What you're feeling is probably more "normal" than you or I think. Try not to overthink this. Hopefully that will be a start towards finding your peace.

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

It's totally normal. I'm in the worst place mentally and physically in my entire life but I stilll can't bring myself to do it. Everyday is absolutely horrible, but I'm somehow still here.

 

[FallFadesIntoWinter]

I've fought the feelings of suicide for a looooooooong time, and I can say without any shame or embarrassment, yeah, I'm scared of it.

If I wasn't scared, I would've done it years ago. I'm not sure if I'm scared of the pain or scared of what happens when I cross over, both are so unknown for me until it actually happens.

Your body, mind and soul will fight until the very end, myself included, and I'm sure as I take my final breath, I'll wonder if I made the right decision.

For me, that's maybe the scariest part... did I make the right decision at the right time.