Help Writing this on a dark bathroom floor

[bubblingwaterz]

I feel so many things at the moment. I feel like everything is so loud… I am currently in the dark sitting in the bathroom floor from where I work 8am - 6pm. I don't even know what I am supposed to talk about here I just know one thing for sure… and that is that I am simply not made for this world… I am supposed to be enjoying myself, I hear people all around me saying this bs about letting yourself feel the "human experience" but I don't wanna feel it anymore.. why is it so hard to just end it all?
I thought of jumping off the building but the complex where I live has too many children and animals and I don't wanna give kids trauma.
I also thought of full hanging but I don't have a spot for it and I am being constantly watched like a hawk by my parents, I can barely go to the bathroom without them asking me where I am going.
I thought SN or N but I don't have any way or form to get my hands on these stuff or any materials…
The country where I live is terrible to find this type of stuff so I am not sure what is the best method for me to go with
I am thinking of just drinking cleaning products, like… really strong ones, the ones where people use to unclog toilets. I heard they poison and you can CTB from them, but I am not so sure…
I am a rookie at this… do you all think it might work?
Please… I feel so helpless..

 

[S_IsMyUsername]

I would not try it in any case with detergent because it usually fails. In addition, the risk is high that you "only" get away with permanent damage. Apart from that it won't be easy, I once knew someone in psychiatry who did something similar and everything he told about it was terrible.
Maybe have a look here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...to-death-legally-i-study-pharmacology.114484/

 

[FuneralCry]

I really hate how it's so difficult to finally cease existing, trying to die in such a way just sounds like it would lead to even worse suffering, it's cruel how we cannot just easily leave this world in peace. But anyway I also see myself as not being meant for existing and I understand that it really can be so dreadful to feel trapped here, I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel so many things at the moment. I feel like everything is so loud… I am currently in the dark sitting in the bathroom floor from where I work 8am - 6pm. I don't even know what I am supposed to talk about here I just know one thing for sure… and that is that I am simply not made for this world… I am supposed to be enjoying myself, I hear people all around me saying this bs about letting yourself feel the "human experience" but I don't wanna feel it anymore.. why is it so hard to just end it all?
I thought of jumping off the building but the complex where I live has too many children and animals and I don't wanna give kids trauma.
I also thought of full hanging but I don't have a spot for it and I am being constantly watched like a hawk by my parents, I can barely go to the bathroom without them asking me where I am going.
I thought SN or N but I don't have any way or form to get my hands on these stuff or any materials…
The country where I live is terrible to find this type of stuff so I am not sure what is the best method for me to go with
I am thinking of just drinking cleaning products, like… really strong ones, the ones where people use to unclog toilets. I heard they poison and you can CTB from them, but I am not so sure…
I am a rookie at this… do you all think it might work?
Please… I feel so helpless..

Please never drink cleaning products or ones to unclog toilets, that can cause permanent damage to your esophagus and internal burns. I'm sorry you are so desperate but at this time it's very important not to do anything drastic or reckless that could make you in even worse condition.

 

[Louise Payne]

I feel so many things at the moment. I feel like everything is so loud… I am currently in the dark sitting in the bathroom floor from where I work 8am - 6pm. I don't even know what I am supposed to talk about here I just know one thing for sure… and that is that I am simply not made for this world… I am supposed to be enjoying myself, I hear people all around me saying this bs about letting yourself feel the "human experience" but I don't wanna feel it anymore.. why is it so hard to just end it all?
I thought of jumping off the building but the complex where I live has too many children and animals and I don't wanna give kids trauma.
I also thought of full hanging but I don't have a spot for it and I am being constantly watched like a hawk by my parents, I can barely go to the bathroom without them asking me where I am going.
I thought SN or N but I don't have any way or form to get my hands on these stuff or any materials…
The country where I live is terrible to find this type of stuff so I am not sure what is the best method for me to go with
I am thinking of just drinking cleaning products, like… really strong ones, the ones where people use to unclog toilets. I heard they poison and you can CTB from them, but I am not so sure…
I am a rookie at this… do you all think it might work?
Please… I feel so helpless..

Please do not try the cleaning products route. You will be in agonising pain and you will have permanent damage internally but would not die. https://www.cureus.com/articles/157...causing-unusual-outcomes-and-complications#!/

 

[jnpx321]

I'm sorry to hear that. What happened to you?

 

[bubblingwaterz]

I would not try it in any case with detergent because it usually fails. In addition, the risk is high that you "only" get away with permanent damage. Apart from that it won't be easy, I once knew someone in psychiatry who did something similar and everything he told about it was terrible.
Maybe have a look here: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...to-death-legally-i-study-pharmacology.114484/

Oh, thank you so much! This is super helpful! Thank you, thank you, thank you, I can't thank you enough!! :D
I knew it was dangerous doing it with cleaning products but I was super desperate, I feel like my head is clearer now and I think I even have some of the items requested on the thread you mentioned!! (Not in the right quantity probably but I can arrange that fairly easily :> )

Please never drink cleaning products or ones to unclog toilets, that can cause permanent damage to your esophagus and internal burns. I'm sorry you are so desperate but at this time it's very important not to do anything drastic or reckless that could make you in even worse condition.

okay! Thank you so much for your concern. I will be spending more time properly thinking about a method that will not fail nor leave to deal with consequences. Someone here sent a thread with fairly easy materials so I will research more on this route. Thank you a lot!! Everyone here has been so helpful :]
I feel very happy at the moment, because it feels like I might have a chance to finally CTB in a nice way!

I'm sorry to hear that. What happened to you?

I don't really know how to respond that, I am sorry… some days are just harder than others you know? I thought maybe I could do this whole "enjoy life" thing but I just cannot…
Life is too complicated… people are mean and perverted, I have always to look out for myself because ever since I was a child I am frequently being told that I am an "easy target" because of my silly face
So being harassed, touched inappropriately, or followed is common to me. But these are all very small things tbh I don't mind that all much
The thing that bothers me the most? Is that even when I am supposed to be doing great, I still feel like I wanna die yknow? Even if my grades are perfect, doing great at my job, my parents are proud, going to graduate college soon, even if I have people who are dear to me and love me very much… I still can't seem to enjoy being here… It's just,, I've been trying so hard to be good and like it here because I don't wanna worry anyone but I just can't do it anymore. I just wanna leave, Idk if that's a good reason… but that's what I am comfortable sharing atm :]

 

[dialogos]

Oh, thank you so much! This is super helpful! Thank you, thank you, thank you, I can't thank you enough!! :D
I knew it was dangerous doing it with cleaning products but I was super desperate, I feel like my head is clearer now and I think I even have some of the items requested on the thread you mentioned!! (Not in the right quantity probably but I can arrange that fairly easily :> )

okay! Thank you so much for your concern. I will be spending more time properly thinking about a method that will not fail nor leave to deal with consequences. Someone here sent a thread with fairly easy materials so I will research more on this route. Thank you a lot!! Everyone here has been so helpful :]
I feel very happy at the moment, because it feels like I might have a chance to finally CTB in a nice way!

I don't really know how to respond that, I am sorry… some days are just harder than others you know? I thought maybe I could do this whole "enjoy life" thing but I just cannot…
Life is too complicated… people are mean and perverted, I have always to look out for myself because ever since I was a child I am frequently being told that I am an "easy target" because of my silly face
So being harassed, touched inappropriately, or followed is common to me. But these are all very small things tbh I don't mind that all much
The thing that bothers me the most? Is that even when I am supposed to be doing great, I still feel like I wanna die yknow? Even if my grades are perfect, doing great at my job, my parents are proud, going to graduate college soon, even if I have people who are dear to me and love me very much… I still can't seem to enjoy being here… It's just,, I've been trying so hard to be good and like it here because I don't wanna worry anyone but I just can't do it anymore. I just wanna leave, Idk if that's a good reason… but that's what I am comfortable sharing atm :]

Life isn't like the movies or TV where characters are always unusually chippy and obnoxiously happy ( coz the writers are on drugs) its just so unrealistic. What's important is to have peace and not be stressed out. Constantly thinking of unreachable standards will stress you out. Even always thinking of CTB will stress you out too. Try occupying your mind with things that relax you, things you like thinking about. It can be anything like anime,,kpop, food, adventure,singing, etc anything you like that is attainable. Its not true that you always have to be joyful always. What's important is peace of mind most of the time, because that's what most people in real life are trying to attain.

 

[AboutTom]

I feel so many things at the moment. I feel like everything is so loud… I am currently in the dark sitting in the bathroom floor from where I work 8am - 6pm. I don't even know what I am supposed to talk about here I just know one thing for sure… and that is that I am simply not made for this world… I am supposed to be enjoying myself, I hear people all around me saying this bs about letting yourself feel the "human experience" but I don't wanna feel it anymore.. why is it so hard to just end it all?
I thought of jumping off the building but the complex where I live has too many children and animals and I don't wanna give kids trauma.
I also thought of full hanging but I don't have a spot for it and I am being constantly watched like a hawk by my parents, I can barely go to the bathroom without them asking me where I am going.
I thought SN or N but I don't have any way or form to get my hands on these stuff or any materials…
The country where I live is terrible to find this type of stuff so I am not sure what is the best method for me to go with
I am thinking of just drinking cleaning products, like… really strong ones, the ones where people use to unclog toilets. I heard they poison and you can CTB from them, but I am not so sure…
I am a rookie at this… do you all think it might work?
Please… I feel so helpless..

Kinda unrelated and may be far fetched but you said things feel loud and you went to darkness to calm down, that sounds like a sensory overload. Have you been tested for autism?

 

[bubblingwaterz]

Kinda unrelated and may be far fetched but you said things feel loud and you went to darkness to calm down, that sounds like a sensory overload. Have you been tested for autism?

Oh,, uhm, I was actually recently diagnosed with autism not even a month ago I think, by 3 different doctors. But I didn't really know what to do with this kind of information so I just let it go. Should I have done something with this information?

 

[AboutTom]

Oh,, uhm, I was actually recently diagnosed with autism not even a month ago I think, by 3 different doctors. But I didn't really know what to do with this kind of information so I just let it go. Should I have done something with this information?

Yes, you likely have sensory issues and bunch of challenges that people withouth it don't have. That's why life expectancy with autism is shorter than withouth it. You should aknowledge that is not your fault and read about how autistic people cope.

 

[Archness]

Oh,, uhm, I was actually recently diagnosed with autism not even a month ago I think, by 3 different doctors. But I didn't really know what to do with this kind of information so I just let it go. Should I have done something with this information?

You should also know that autists (like myself) seem to be more suicidal. A good portion of SaSu users are autistic. As others mentioned, the things and problems you're experiencing are likely related to your autism.

The thing that bothers me the most? Is that even when I am supposed to be doing great, I still feel like I wanna die yknow?

I had the same thing, tho it was more an "indifference" to my life in itself. From my youth, I felt there wasn't much to life, or even "adult life". That feeling only solidifies in me with time, maybe I should get this life over with and ctb. I'm kinda wonder if you have something to say abt that kind of "Indifference".

people are mean and perverted, I have always to look out for myself because ever since I was a child I am frequently being told that I am an "easy target" because of my silly face
So being harassed, touched inappropriately, or followed is common to me.

huh? People harassing you like that and touching??? being perverted? Something seems off. Maybe not so big as I imagine, or something you'd like to keep private, but still.

 

[dialogos]

You should also know that autists (like myself) seem to be more suicidal. A good portion of SaSu users are autistic. As others mentioned, the things and problems you're experiencing are likely related to your autism.


I had the same thing, tho it was more an "indifference" to my life in itself. From my youth, I felt there wasn't much to life, or even "adult life". That feeling only solidifies in me with time, maybe I should get this life over with and ctb. I'm kinda wonder if you have something to say abt that kind of "Indifference".


huh? People harassing you like that and touching??? being perverted? Something seems off. Maybe not so big as I imagine, or something you'd like to keep private, but still.

She's being taken advantage of. That's another source of real stress. If she could document these abuses somehow, she can take affirmative action like reporting to cops, legal action to scare them off.

 

[bubblingwaterz]

I had the same thing, tho it was more an "indifference" to my life in itself. From my youth, I felt there wasn't much to life, or even "adult life". That feeling only solidifies in me with time, maybe I should get this life over with and ctb. I'm kinda wonder if you have something to say abt that kind of "Indifference".

I used to have this problem with "indifference" when I was a lot younger, nowadays I try to take one day at a time and don't think much of the future because I simply don't have a perspective of a future. I cannot even imagine myself alive by the end of this year, I make empty plans to satisfy my parents and people around me but nothing more. Most of the times, when it comes to mental health and how I am doing I know what people want me to say.
Living in a state in which you don't really care about the outcome is not great… but it's the best way some people find to go through without CTB. It doesn't matter if you cross the street on a green light or a red one, it doesn't matter if you happen to be in the middle of a armed robbery, doesn't matter if something nice happens… everything will be the same, you'll go through the same days, doing the same things, going through the same difficulties… Idk if I made myself clear with my thoughts on indifference… I don't think it's wrong, it's just something that happens and it's okay I think.

huh? People harassing you like that and touching??? being perverted? Something seems off. Maybe not so big as I imagine, or something you'd like to keep private, but still.

My apologies, I have trouble speaking, I think here is the best place I've been able to express my feelings properly… But I've come to realize that people are really perverted, I haven't told these things not even to my parents because I used to think it was normal since the person who used to touch me always told me it was okay and I should be a good kid and keep quiet. It's funny how we're very adapted beings. Nowadays I know it's not normal, and it only took a class of sex ed on 8th grade.
Oh!! But please don't be worried!! I think I lack reaction on this as well, because I don't really feel anything necessarily negative towards this situation I remember just thinking at the time "uhm… so I was definitely raped, since a child cannot give consent.. the world is mean" but I didn't feel anger, or sadness or pain or anything really. It's just something that happened, and I accepted it.

She's being taken advantage of. That's another source of real stress. If she could document these abuses somehow, she can take affirmative action like reporting to cops, legal action to scare them off.

I really appreciate your worrying. But I don't want to do that, it's too much trouble, work and money… I've thought about it but I know I would also be just one more person on a pile of reports, I don't wanna go through these kind of thing. I don't think the reason I have stress or wanna CTB is much related to this matter.. but I can always be wrong. I just genuinely don't like my experience here, everything was not very enjoyable and even when it was, I wasn't really happy… Probably it really does have something to do with autism like Archness said, I really liked knowing the data they informed me :]
But unfortunately I don't have much to afford an actual help on the autism matter. I did some research here about methods and found something that might work, if something happens and I do manage to somehow get the help I need (like therapy or proper medicine idk) I would be willing to try because like I said,, I don't really mind the outcome. But until then, I'll be sticking to the original plan and continue searching for the materials for my method :D

 

[Archness]

I used to have this problem with "indifference" when I was a lot younger, nowadays I try to take one day at a time and don't think much of the future because I simply don't have a perspective of a future. I cannot even imagine myself alive by the end of this year, I make empty plans to satisfy my parents and people around me but nothing more. Most of the times, when it comes to mental health and how I am doing I know what people want me to say.
Living in a state in which you don't really care about the outcome is not great… but it's the best way some people find to go through without CTB. It doesn't matter if you cross the street on a green light or a red one, it doesn't matter if you happen to be in the middle of a armed robbery, doesn't matter if something nice happens… everything will be the same, you'll go through the same days, doing the same things, going through the same difficulties… Idk if I made myself clear with my thoughts on indifference… I don't think it's wrong, it's just something that happens and it's okay I think.

This made sense, I understand. I'd say we're talking about the same thing even. Seems to be a similarity between us, with autism as the common factor. I often wish an apocalypse would happen to mix stuff up and be a provider of easy death, or other life-or-death situations. Maybe you have similar thoughts?

I used to have this problem with "indifference" when I was a lot younger, nowadays I try to take one day at a time and don't think much of the future because I simply don't have a perspective of a future.

Hmm, to me, this doesn't seem like that indifference "used to" be a problem, idk this is likely a misunderstanding; but for me, this indifference is synonymous with the lack of perspective towards my future.

My apologies, I have trouble speaking, I think here is the best place I've been able to express my feelings properly… But I've come to realize that people are really perverted, I haven't told these things not even to my parents because I used to think it was normal since the person who used to touch me always told me it was okay and I should be a good kid and keep quiet. It's funny how we're very adapted beings. Nowadays I know it's not normal, and it only took a class of sex ed on 8th grade.
Oh!! But please don't be worried!! I think I lack reaction on this as well, because I don't really feel anything necessarily negative towards this situation I remember just thinking at the time "uhm… so I was definitely raped, since a child cannot give consent.. the world is mean" but I didn't feel anger, or sadness or pain or anything really. It's just something that happened, and I accepted it.

That's an... interesting way to think about that kind of thing. Is it, too much and you disassociate? Tho it also seems like a kind of "defect" in your brain. Not really a psychological problems, but as if the "underlining hardware" is acting abnormally. I doubt talk therapy and drugs can repair these kinds of defects, like autism, so we might just be kinda fucked.

Have you herd of "Disassociation" as a mindset/psychological state? It matches up with my experience an amount. I think you're experiencing that to a degree.

iving in a state in which you don't really care about the outcome is not great… but it's the best way some people find to go through without CTB.

Yeah. On one hand, this indifference/disasociation is what got me here. On the otherhand, it's what keeping me stable and calm when confronted by horrid feelings. If I didn't have it now, I'd be more problematic, encounter more problems, more SH, maybe 1 or a few ctb attempts by now. Tho I can't really know what I'd be like without this defect, it's all I've known.