I am already a friend to myself, I'm pretty much all I've got. If I genuinely hated or disliked myself at my core, there's no way I would have lasted this long in my own company.
In fact, it's this buried regard for my own lost potential and inner world..this respect I have for my own values, my privacy and any remaining dignity..that sometimes gets in the way of just doing what needs to be done (ctb).
I am livid. I am angry..that so many things were lost, denied to me..that so many things went terribly wrong…because, at the risk of sounding arrogant..who I am went terribly terribly right.
I really fucking like that person.
If not at the start, then eventually.
Though there is ALWAYS room for improvement and I don't usually hesitate to criticize myself if it's warranted.
Even so, tbh, if I were an entirely separate entity I probably wouldn't be able to have a relationship with myself, since it would involve the external world and perceptions that suffocate and disallow the expression of who I really am and/or the pursuit of what I aim to be.
Who would that entity be having a relationship/friendship with?
It would be a false person, a slave afraid to upset the masters..a mutilated personality for the pleasure of others.
I am outwardly friendly, unassuming and overly agreeable IRL, to most people I'm forced to interact with.
The last of which, I find to be the most unlike myself and the most difficult to maintain.
The person I am often forced to present to the world, is not the person I am.
I am confined by my present circumstances, by my past, by my own flesh and the status quo.
To a degree that pushes the boundaries of one's sanity and ability to retain their sense of self.
It's utterly exhausting attempting to sustain connections when relegated to a position that is set up for failure.
I can get away with expressing myself authentically a little more online, on forums such as this, and perhaps even over the phone…when I haven't already depleted the pitiful ration of energy mustered.
I am more real when unseen, though my essence remains quite strangled, even when alone.
So to actually be around people?
I might as well walk up to them with a ligature dangling from my neck.