Would my mother overcome my death?

[dandan]

I smoked Bufo Alvarius 8 times last week.
First 2 times high doses, I begged to die, screamed, ask my companions to please kill me.
Today I smoked about six times, from a all dosis and increasing the dosis. First five not so good. Number six I puked, felt awful , drooled and then worried no more, doors of love opened up, amazing gratifying experience, I will smoke again tomorrow. I even called my mom and said I love you.

 

[Boonks]

Probably not. Yet I cannot overcome my existence. Great. Life is not without pain, suffering, evil, injustice. She believes in God though...and that there is a solution to every problem...so when I go I guess she can thank God for the suffering he's caused and hopefully he'll be able to help her.
I can't even believe that I just wrote that. It shows that I'm fucked in the head. I can't think straight, I can't feel straight, my suffering is unbearable. I'm deeply sorry for those who will hurt because of my hurting. But why would God do this. What is the point. I don't understand. And if you don't understand me, you don't have mental illness. So be grateful and move on.

 

[dandan]

stop it with the God thing, its not like that
she'll be sad
her cute little boy man killed himself, what a shame on society
sorry mother
actually I was getting better mom, but now , this week, I said, let's move on, lets continue
so monday i came to work, and instead of work,
I tried looking to buy a house
just to realize
the money I lost could have been used to work real state
but now im poor
and cant afford a house
sorry mom

I was getting better but setbacks and going back to work, having a challenge I cant overcome is disastrous to my soul, i rather dont live like this all the rest of my life, maybe people learned to enjoy this challenges... im just..