For pretty much all my life, I've been in treatment for mental health disorders, particularly Asperger's, but over the past few years, things have reached a breaking point. Not only are my illnesses progressively worsening, they've become severely (or maybe always were) medication resistant, and I've never found any real, lasting help with therapy or institutionalization. The last two times (each within a month of each other) that I voluntarily hospitalized myself, the experiences were so poor that I swore I'd never go back.
The worst part is the break with my former religion, and if you're unfriendly with or triggered by topics relating to religion and spirituality, then this post isn't for you. You have until the end of this sentence to please head elsewhere.
Now, I firmly believe there's more to the world than just what we perceive with our five senses, instinct, and powers of reason. I believe there's a reality beyond the human and physical that things like science can't explain, and there are beings that inhabit that reality, with many of them being wholly dangerous. While I've never had a supernatural experience (that I remember, at least), I've little doubt that I've been preyed on by many of these beings, particularly with the generational baggage I inherited from my probably-narcissistic and definitely-mentally-ill-in-other-ways father (seriously, people, some of us should never be parents, and if you HAVE to have some marriage-free nookie, either get 100% sterilized or masturbate, or just find some way to not have potential-preggers sex, especially if you aren't committed to actually parenting). I've also experienced years of neglect and abuse, primarily bullying, and though I feel safe with my family (I live with my grandparents, who, while not always understanding my struggles, have made very appreciated effort to do the best they can), I've never been able to fully heal from the CPTSD I've developed.
On top of all that, I'd been raised in a Christian household. While I never took the religion seriously for most of my childhood and adolescence - it never resonated with me, which I take, in part, to be from my brand of Asperger's - I was suddenly hit by OCD (specifically religious scrupulosity), anxiety, and major depression at about 17 like a freight train. Years of struggle later, I decided to give Christianity a serious try, and for a few years, things seemed to improve. I found some churches with good people who understood mental illness, and I could feel myself slowly but finally healing.
But there was always doubt. Was my relationship with God really as good as I thought it was? Was I even REALLY Christian? Did I miss doing, saying, or feeling anything that would've solidified my place in my faith? While a lot of these questions were probably the OCD talking, I could never shake them. But above all, I always felt a disconnect between me and the (admittedly paraphrased here) advice so many of my Christian friends would tell me: "Stop trying. Just live and let God." Seriously, what does that even mean? I don't know anything BUT trying - and doesn't self-improvement require effort? - so just giving me that piece of wisdom without any explanation is like describing color to someone who's been blind from birth.
Then, after trying some new ways to deepen my faith, I realized that what (I thought) I was being asked to do was so agonizing and so beyond my personal capacities that I'd never be able to do it. I also saw that I didn't and couldn't find it within myself to fully trust God; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always seemed like the moment my life hit a consistently even keel, with everything working out, the proverbial rug would be ripped from under me at the worst possible moment. Though I didn't seem to have any problems with the Son or Spirit (I was a fundamentalist trinitarian), I could never connect with God's supposed Father aspect. He always seemed distant, harsh, and waiting for me to mess up, no matter how much the Bible says differently, and no matter how many verses I read and reread. It always felt more like I was serving under Zeus in disguise as a kind, loving god.
Finally, I reached the end of my rope and said, "I can't do this anymore," and I quit. I tried to hold onto a very desperate hope in the god I believed in, but no matter how hard I prayed or believed or tried, or tried to grasp the concept of "not trying", nothing helped, and as far as I can tell, no one decent was listening. Though my outward life is thankfully pretty peaceful, inwardly, I kept spiralling. Things got darker and darker, and the mental illness kept worsening. It's especially bad at night, or almost anytime my horrible circadian rhythm thinks I should just crash in order to "rest" (which can be anywhere from three to six hours of my day). I've heard, and believe, that evil spirits are plaguing me, but without a god to believe in, and with me not trusting any religion or spiritual way of life to even get tangentially involved with spirits (and you can forget about the occult), what the hell do I do?
Right now, if I see things are going to get as bad as I fear, I intend to CTB to protect myself and my loved ones. Though I still have some very small hope of improvement, it's thoroughly jaded, and I fully intend to not let what I didn't ask to be born with or plagued by to put anyone else at risk. The problem is I'm scared. I don't want to die; there's still so much I want to do. And since I'm poor and don't want my family to be preyed upon by the very physical monsters in our healthcare system if I end up vegetative, I want a CTB method that's going to be as free, quick, comfortable, safe, and least-traumatizing to my family and friends as possible. If I had the money to travel to a place where assisted euthanasia was legal, I'd do that, but I'm practically broke, and I don't know anyone who'd take me. My friends and family love me, I know they do, but the parts of my life I've been trying to defeat are too dark to explain in full, and I know some of them wouldn't really understand. I'm also not careful enough to succcessfully purchase anything on the dark web, and I wouldn't trust any internet rando to be decent enough to buy from. From the research I've done here and other places, my top choices are either hanging (I have a slipknot noose ready in my closet, and the bar seems strong enough) or shallow water drowning. What would anyone else suggest? And aside from making sure my finances and living space are in order, which they seem to be, is there anything else I should think about finalizing before I CTB?
If you've reached the end of this post, thank you for listening.
The worst part is the break with my former religion, and if you're unfriendly with or triggered by topics relating to religion and spirituality, then this post isn't for you. You have until the end of this sentence to please head elsewhere.
Now, I firmly believe there's more to the world than just what we perceive with our five senses, instinct, and powers of reason. I believe there's a reality beyond the human and physical that things like science can't explain, and there are beings that inhabit that reality, with many of them being wholly dangerous. While I've never had a supernatural experience (that I remember, at least), I've little doubt that I've been preyed on by many of these beings, particularly with the generational baggage I inherited from my probably-narcissistic and definitely-mentally-ill-in-other-ways father (seriously, people, some of us should never be parents, and if you HAVE to have some marriage-free nookie, either get 100% sterilized or masturbate, or just find some way to not have potential-preggers sex, especially if you aren't committed to actually parenting). I've also experienced years of neglect and abuse, primarily bullying, and though I feel safe with my family (I live with my grandparents, who, while not always understanding my struggles, have made very appreciated effort to do the best they can), I've never been able to fully heal from the CPTSD I've developed.
On top of all that, I'd been raised in a Christian household. While I never took the religion seriously for most of my childhood and adolescence - it never resonated with me, which I take, in part, to be from my brand of Asperger's - I was suddenly hit by OCD (specifically religious scrupulosity), anxiety, and major depression at about 17 like a freight train. Years of struggle later, I decided to give Christianity a serious try, and for a few years, things seemed to improve. I found some churches with good people who understood mental illness, and I could feel myself slowly but finally healing.
But there was always doubt. Was my relationship with God really as good as I thought it was? Was I even REALLY Christian? Did I miss doing, saying, or feeling anything that would've solidified my place in my faith? While a lot of these questions were probably the OCD talking, I could never shake them. But above all, I always felt a disconnect between me and the (admittedly paraphrased here) advice so many of my Christian friends would tell me: "Stop trying. Just live and let God." Seriously, what does that even mean? I don't know anything BUT trying - and doesn't self-improvement require effort? - so just giving me that piece of wisdom without any explanation is like describing color to someone who's been blind from birth.
Then, after trying some new ways to deepen my faith, I realized that what (I thought) I was being asked to do was so agonizing and so beyond my personal capacities that I'd never be able to do it. I also saw that I didn't and couldn't find it within myself to fully trust God; I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It always seemed like the moment my life hit a consistently even keel, with everything working out, the proverbial rug would be ripped from under me at the worst possible moment. Though I didn't seem to have any problems with the Son or Spirit (I was a fundamentalist trinitarian), I could never connect with God's supposed Father aspect. He always seemed distant, harsh, and waiting for me to mess up, no matter how much the Bible says differently, and no matter how many verses I read and reread. It always felt more like I was serving under Zeus in disguise as a kind, loving god.
Finally, I reached the end of my rope and said, "I can't do this anymore," and I quit. I tried to hold onto a very desperate hope in the god I believed in, but no matter how hard I prayed or believed or tried, or tried to grasp the concept of "not trying", nothing helped, and as far as I can tell, no one decent was listening. Though my outward life is thankfully pretty peaceful, inwardly, I kept spiralling. Things got darker and darker, and the mental illness kept worsening. It's especially bad at night, or almost anytime my horrible circadian rhythm thinks I should just crash in order to "rest" (which can be anywhere from three to six hours of my day). I've heard, and believe, that evil spirits are plaguing me, but without a god to believe in, and with me not trusting any religion or spiritual way of life to even get tangentially involved with spirits (and you can forget about the occult), what the hell do I do?
Right now, if I see things are going to get as bad as I fear, I intend to CTB to protect myself and my loved ones. Though I still have some very small hope of improvement, it's thoroughly jaded, and I fully intend to not let what I didn't ask to be born with or plagued by to put anyone else at risk. The problem is I'm scared. I don't want to die; there's still so much I want to do. And since I'm poor and don't want my family to be preyed upon by the very physical monsters in our healthcare system if I end up vegetative, I want a CTB method that's going to be as free, quick, comfortable, safe, and least-traumatizing to my family and friends as possible. If I had the money to travel to a place where assisted euthanasia was legal, I'd do that, but I'm practically broke, and I don't know anyone who'd take me. My friends and family love me, I know they do, but the parts of my life I've been trying to defeat are too dark to explain in full, and I know some of them wouldn't really understand. I'm also not careful enough to succcessfully purchase anything on the dark web, and I wouldn't trust any internet rando to be decent enough to buy from. From the research I've done here and other places, my top choices are either hanging (I have a slipknot noose ready in my closet, and the bar seems strong enough) or shallow water drowning. What would anyone else suggest? And aside from making sure my finances and living space are in order, which they seem to be, is there anything else I should think about finalizing before I CTB?
If you've reached the end of this post, thank you for listening.
