Venting would it be so wrong for me to impulsively ctb?

[viljalauss]

it goes against all my principles ,, of ctbing in a place people won't get traumatised (at least not those really close to me. in terms of proximity and also familiarity), only ctbing when i know it's rational and that i wanted it to be this way, making sure everything i want to be archived and accessible (to those i want to access it) is archived and accessible, writing the note (rather than typed, though i have kept a typed note for so long) so certain people know what to do and have some guidance after i go, the list goes on.. and sure i'm only seriously considering / pulled towards this because i know how seriously fucked i will be in the space of like. 24 hours otherwise i would have stuck to 25th october and that too would have been flexible but .. still it feels very impulsive and that is grating on me.

and i would call someone i would call someone if i needed welfare in principle if i was in danger of ctbing before i was ready but the deadline that is driving me to want to ctb cannot be moved and it is only getting closer and there is no way i can fulfil it. and if i can't i probably can't do my degree for another year. i doubt i can switch modules cause we only have three terms left. i'm fucked i'm so fucked and even if nothing happens now what if they kick me out i would far rather die than go home i don't want to go home i don't want to lose the person i love even if we stay in contact i know how much distance takes away and i cannot be a good lover from a distance i can't do this i can't. i can't and won't be saved and i need to accept that.

it's a hard night tonight

 

[snowcloud9]

It is just better to ctb when you're 100% sure about it, and you will be able to give yourself a more peaceful method if you have the preparation for it.

I want to ctb today because of sudden academic stress (deadline tomorrow), but I have decided not to because I am not fully prepared to make dying guaranteed 100%. You wouldn't want to end up a cripple.

Edit: didn't see your post date omg hope you're alright now or found peace

 

[viljalauss]

It is just better to ctb when you're 100% sure about it, and you will be able to give yourself a more peaceful method if you have the preparation for it.

I want to ctb today because of sudden academic stress (deadline tomorrow), but I have decided not to because I am not fully prepared to make dying guaranteed 100%. You wouldn't want to end up a cripple.

Edit: didn't see your post date omg hope you're alright now or found peace

wait u may be confusing post date and joining date i only posted like an hour ago. i have definitely not found peace but yea i only posted recently

i doubt the method i chose will have me ending up crippled if i fail it, more likely it'll do nothing but both are disappointing :') idk what i'll do.. i am a little more clear-headed than i was when i wrote this post but also my problem is still as urgent and overarching so. gg

i hope whatever u have a deadline for tomorrow goes well, u have all my encouragement <33

 

[Ernest1964]

Would it be wrong? No. Stupid... probably. The question is: Do you want to attempt CTB? OR do you want to CTB? Impulsivity implies little or no forethought which carries along with it, failed attempt.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I can't tell you what to do but I would recommend not attempting to CTB on an impulse.
You didn't say anything about your method. Not that you need to reveal it here but I hope it was researched.
I guess the word impulsive makes me concerned.
I wish you the best whatever you decide.

 

[viljalauss]

Would it be wrong? No. Stupid... probably. The question is: Do you want to attempt CTB? OR do you want to CTB? Impulsivity implies little or no forethought which carries along with it, failed attempt.

i'd wanna ctb for real, not a cry for help (not using that term in a demeaning way at all; i just can't think of any other way wanting to attempt would be distinct from wanting to ctb). attention without either me dying or solving the problem at hand would only make things worse, possibly by a whole lot. if i'd tried tonight i probably would have cycled through all the methods i could, of which i have at least two to at least try. and that may have been without forethought in the moment as well, but (hopefully) the amount of research i have already done would have made a difference.

I can't tell you what to do but I would recommend not attempting to CTB on an impulse.
You didn't say anything about your method. Not that you need to reveal it here but I hope it was researched.
I guess the word impulsive makes me concerned.
I wish you the best whatever you decide.

yeah, the impulse has died down now (my friends distracted me; the best distraction possible tbh :')) but i'm sure it'll be back tomorrow unless a miracle happens. but i'm safe right now. and yes i have done quite a bit of research though if/when i ctb i will do it with a guide at hand, and also somewhere/sometime i'm very unlikely to be found for a while.

and thank you

 

[snowcloud9]

wait u may be confusing post date and joining date i only posted like an hour ago. i have definitely not found peace but yea i only posted recently

i doubt the method i chose will have me ending up crippled if i fail it, more likely it'll do nothing but both are disappointing :') idk what i'll do.. i am a little more clear-headed than i was when i wrote this post but also my problem is still as urgent and overarching so. gg

i hope whatever u have a deadline for tomorrow goes well, u have all my encouragement <33

Oh yeah my bad I read the date wrong. I mean anything you do will end up with side effects if you don't reverse them fast enough… otherwise they wouldn't kill you. Some just do it slower than others.

 

[paintedbutterfly676]

I'm glad you have friends to help you in these moments. Impulses are hard to control, but don't represent the whole story. If there is still hope, you shouldn't act on it

 

[Aergia]

Hey, how are you doing, OP? Hope you're alright.

 

[viljalauss]

I'm glad you have friends to help you in these moments. Impulses are hard to control, but don't represent the whole story. If there is still hope, you shouldn't act on it

yeah, i'm grateful for them <3 sometimes i'm anxious around that particular circle but that seemed to not just happen that night, which was very welcome. and yea i really did think i was immediately out of hope when i had those impulses; that isn't the case anymore, at least for now.

Hey, how are you doing, OP? Hope you're alright.

i'm okay (at least better than then). thank you for checking <3