I feel like only idealized love is worth it. 99% of couples get tired of each other eventually. How many people do you know who have been together for decades WITHOUT children? We're sexual creatures who invented romance to add meaning to the meaningless act of reproduction and sexual pleasure.
I'm married. I love him so much, he's pulled me from the ledge so many times though. I can see that my depression is starting to take a toll on him though. Im already disappointed in myself, and I'm tired of disappointing him too.. I still feel alone even though we love each other. I still want to end it, so he can move on and find someone better and happier, someone that will be a good replacement mom to our kids so they don't grow up all fucked up seeing my depression eat me alive.
Broken Widow
Wildlife crisis
- Aug 20, 2018
- 36
When my late husband was still alive, he gave me a reason to live. He has said the same thing about me. All his life he wanted to die, then we get together and he is happy, then he's diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Then he tried so hard to stay alive, but cancer won.
I'm envious that he got to die.
I'm envious that he got to die.
My last boyfriend broke up with me because he got so depressed from being worried about whether or not I might kill myself. I'm still horribly guilty about it, and I make a point not to be too honest or revealing about my suicidal ideation with anyone.
I'm dating someone else now (fucking irresponsible of me, I know..). I did tell him that I still think about it sometimes, and he knows I went to the hospital twice for it. He swears up and down that he doesn't mind being there for me, but that's what the last guy said. I'm afraid I'll hurt him, too. So I'm really careful not to reveal too much about my feelings.
I'm dating someone else now (fucking irresponsible of me, I know..). I did tell him that I still think about it sometimes, and he knows I went to the hospital twice for it. He swears up and down that he doesn't mind being there for me, but that's what the last guy said. I'm afraid I'll hurt him, too. So I'm really careful not to reveal too much about my feelings.
weedoge
Banned
- Jul 12, 2018
- 1,525
I can't be the only one here who felt this at one point, but no longer.
I tried to fix my problems by getting into a relationship, always long distance and always at the expense of anything with real substance in my life (like getting a job or a hobby) and it always went to shit. Considering I have a significant level of detachment in hindsight I realised it didn't really mean much to me. Yes I loved having somebody talk to and I massively appreciated someone attempting to support me, but I was wrong and it wasn't what I needed. As years went by I realised that I don't really have feelings for any of these people and now I refuse to "fall in love" because it's not actually possible for me. I really don't feel capable of loving in the way that most people do. Just like there's a part of my brain that's broken that can't trigger this one feeling or fully comprehend it.
There is one girl from when I was like 14, and it's probably just because it was so long ago, but I think I loved her. She was the first person who left me because I was suicidal and so the cycle began tbh. This past year I made the mistake of letting one person in which just reminded me exactly why I can't even try to date and now I just refuse to have feelings for anybody. I love friendship and I can manage that, so that's good enough for me.
weedoge
Banned
- Jul 12, 2018
- 1,525
Fully makes sense and I'd say it's a form of what happened with me, could break my experience down but it's one thing I don't really like thinking about. Socially and romantically I'm a broken person and my experiences there aren't so important.
akosineenee
Invisible idiot
- Aug 22, 2018
- 224
Since I was young I've been hopelessly looking for 'the one.' That one person who can make me whole. That one person who can save me from myself and will stand by me until the very end. I was a ride or die type of person and would willingly sacrifice everything and anything my significant other would ask of me. In a relationship my frame of mind is 'us against the world.' I was wrong. I was loyal to a fault and it has consistently fucked me over. I've realized that I have always been in love with the thought of 'being in love'--that idealized love that the media and society have forced down our throats since time immemorial. Maybe if I've settled for less and found someone I can tolerate 65-70% of the the time then maybe I would have built something long-lasting like friendship, trust, and loyalty other than the fleeting romantic love.
BaconCheeseburger
Comfort-eating
- Aug 4, 2018
- 693
I've had some boyfriends where I've been very tempted to ask them to CTB with me. Being in love doesn't seem to pull me back that much.
Caustic Cardinals
Enlightened
- Sep 1, 2018
- 1,339
dependents do thy love me back are able to be together? is the relationship healthy? is being together enough for both of us?
Caustic Cardinals
Enlightened
- Sep 1, 2018
- 1,339
weedoge
Banned
- Jul 12, 2018
- 1,525
I thought I had but I'm not sure at this point. Reminds me of that song.. "what is love?" joking aside I mean it though, is love just a chemical? If I got tested for that chemical and found a lack of it could I literally define my lack of love?
Who knows, I can care about people but I don't feel that feeling that people talk about so fondly.
akosineenee
Invisible idiot
- Aug 22, 2018
- 224
Maybe it's like the midi-chlorians; like you need a certain level of it in your system to be able to love?
Caustic Cardinals
Enlightened
- Sep 1, 2018
- 1,339
I have felt very strongly for others romantically, if it isn't reciprocated that feeling cant grow
weedoge
Banned
- Jul 12, 2018
- 1,525
I thought I did. but then when it grew I realised I hate myself far too much that I will question and push and basically be one of those psycho partners "You dont love me!! you dont even want to spend time with me!!!! you have a life and I don't and now I hate you for it instead of loving you!!!!"
resentment for life and circumstances kind of overrides anything, sometimes, idk. I can't do interpersonal so I avoid it mostly.
Iwant2sleepforever
Experienced
- Sep 8, 2018
- 227
Caustic Cardinals
Enlightened
- Sep 1, 2018
- 1,339
My sister has literally beat down her boyfriend in the lobby of a hotel
akosineenee
Invisible idiot
- Aug 22, 2018
- 224
My ex was like that. She didn't beat me down publicly though. Too many altercations at home. She had a bad temper. That relationship was toxic from the start.
Caustic Cardinals
Enlightened
- Sep 1, 2018
- 1,339
akosineenee
Invisible idiot
- Aug 22, 2018
- 224
Caustic Cardinals
Enlightened
- Sep 1, 2018
- 1,339
throwaway123
Hell0
- Aug 5, 2018
- 1,446
Ashpac
Lost and always will be.
- Jul 22, 2018
- 795
Love can go fuck itself. Life and love both screwed me so id rather not have either
Ashpac
Lost and always will be.
- Jul 22, 2018
- 795
However, if i won 10 million, id stay alive longer just so i could buy an apartment in Gran Canaria and go back and fourth to there and Madeira. My two fave places on earth.
RM5998
Sack of Meat
- Sep 3, 2018
- 2,202
We'd probably have an arrangement where we stick around each other to provide whatever comfort we can, so that at some point, when either party CTBs, the other doesn't hold grudges. Hopefully we could make it work for long enough for both parties to find the scope for a peaceful exit.
I don't think that would even work. My suicidal ideation is an integral part of my life now. It's the idea of an end that gets me by, and my prospective s/o would need to understand this.
I honestly don't know. I know I'm filled with poison, and me being around anyone is a bad idea. I can't see this ending well for anyone, assuming it happens at all.
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