Help would dropping out of school for good make me less or more suicidal

[convinifiction]

just typing the word school or thinking about it makes me sick... for context im in singapore
i used to get like ok grades but they got worse and worse because of depression and adhd or maybe im just lazy and stupid idfk anymore anyway it came to a head in like 2022 when i fell out with my 2 friends including breaking up w my fp who is still my fp and now my SO again for a year (they're basically trapped with me because i'm a manipulative monster).
i took a gap year, came back a year behind and did terribly, got kicked out of the IB programme, took another year off to do my O-levels privately and scored... mediocre, developed anorexia to make my life worse, now im 20 in polytechnic doing mediocrely... hating the people there... so exhausted

people tell me i'm smart and have potential but don't "apply it" but i think years with my mental problems have given me severe brain damage or something. my head is always foggy or pounding, i'm perpetually either lethargic or anxious, everything hurts everywhere, i just want to sleep forever and ever and ever but guilt and fear keep me from taking the final step

i can't handle school. i can't handle being there and i can't handle assignments. i'm in a course that requires a lot of field work and socialising and i hate it, going outside and being around people who i know are rightfully judging me or just, people i don't belong around and can't interact with openly unless i spend all my energy trying to act appropriately. i used to be so lonely, wanting friends, but now i can ignore my slight loneliness on account of how much i hate the idea of being around 99% of people... all my deadlines pile up and overwhelm me, i have no outside passions or hobbies or ambitions but i have no reason to be doing any of this so i'd rather just sleep all day. i've never accomplished anything. i have no tangible skills.

i'm just a lazy asshole and a burden, yes. anyway i half want to drop out because maybe i just was never meant to accomplish anything. maybe i'll find peace doing nothing, or like without a career, maybe i can just do some sort of charity work that requires no social interaction ... or going outside ... (my impossible dream) ........

my only worry is if i throw everything away will i want to ctb more and there's no turning back? or is letting go of this future i pretend i can have (me? get a DEGREE? cmon) the only way ill actually be content, the only way ill find it in me to keep going? i mean for now ill just... continue trying to get passing grades... cut myself when it's too much... etc... but i don't know how much longer i can force this body of mine onto campus

 

[meowpuppy]

this is so relatable.. i used to literally cry for hours and play dead so my mom wouldn't take me to school, at the age of like, 9.

please try not to measure yourself against the potential you that could have come about, that person is basically nothing like you, so how can it be a worthy comparison?

it's hard for me to give advice as to whether or not you should drop out, obviously, but i dropped out really early, 8th grade, and i feel.. okay? i can't get a job, obviously, but i would have burned out and killed myself in 10th grade or earlier.. i guess, for me, it's better to have an uncertain future, rather than no future except suicide.

i've spent my entire life after the age of 13 just relaxing and destressing, and not pursuing anything that would spike my anxiety.. and i still haven't gotten over the pain i suffered in just a decade or so of schooling.

 

[Mgelanie]

just typing the word school or thinking about it makes me sick... for context im in singapore
i used to get like ok grades but they got worse and worse because of depression and adhd or maybe im just lazy and stupid idfk anymore anyway it came to a head in like 2022 when i fell out with my 2 friends including breaking up w my fp who is still my fp and now my SO again for a year (they're basically trapped with me because i'm a manipulative monster).
i took a gap year, came back a year behind and did terribly, got kicked out of the IB programme, took another year off to do my O-levels privately and scored... mediocre, developed anorexia to make my life worse, now im 20 in polytechnic doing mediocrely... hating the people there... so exhausted

people tell me i'm smart and have potential but don't "apply it" but i think years with my mental problems have given me severe brain damage or something. my head is always foggy or pounding, i'm perpetually either lethargic or anxious, everything hurts everywhere, i just want to sleep forever and ever and ever but guilt and fear keep me from taking the final step

i can't handle school. i can't handle being there and i can't handle assignments. i'm in a course that requires a lot of field work and socialising and i hate it, going outside and being around people who i know are rightfully judging me or just, people i don't belong around and can't interact with openly unless i spend all my energy trying to act appropriately. i used to be so lonely, wanting friends, but now i can ignore my slight loneliness on account of how much i hate the idea of being around 99% of people... all my deadlines pile up and overwhelm me, i have no outside passions or hobbies or ambitions but i have no reason to be doing any of this so i'd rather just sleep all day. i've never accomplished anything. i have no tangible skills.

i'm just a lazy asshole and a burden, yes. anyway i half want to drop out because maybe i just was never meant to accomplish anything. maybe i'll find peace doing nothing, or like without a career, maybe i can just do some sort of charity work that requires no social interaction ... or going outside ... (my impossible dream) ........

my only worry is if i throw everything away will i want to ctb more and there's no turning back? or is letting go of this future i pretend i can have (me? get a DEGREE? cmon) the only way ill actually be content, the only way ill find it in me to keep going? i mean for now ill just... continue trying to get passing grades... cut myself when it's too much... etc... but i don't know how much longer i can force this body of mine onto campus

Maybe you could take a break and see how it goes

 

[WPeregrine]

Dropping out of school itself is not what will make you more or less suicidal. It is what you do with your time after that. There is plenty of people who did not finish school, and still managed to make something of their lives. A school diploma is not necessary to make life work, despite what people will have you belief.

BUT, "find peace doing nothing" is an illusion. Initially the relief of the pressures from school might do you some good, but ultimately you will need to find something to do with your life to make it worth living. That something does certainly not have to conform to the societal ideas of what constitutes a worthy life, but it does need to make you feel like you're doing something that is worth living for. You don't need to have figured out what that something is right now, but if you quit school, do spend your energy on figuring that out - and don't let anyone else tell you what that something should be, only your heart truly knows.

Be a misfit if that's who you need to be in order to function in life, but don't be a nobody doing nothing - not because of what anyone thinks, but because it will not serve yourself in any way. Doing nothing is just another route to ctb.

 

[hoppybunny]

Dropping out of a harder school to an easier one reduced my suicidal ideation by a lot. I think the goal for u atm could be to just live life on easy mode and see where it takes u. If u can try looking for easier majors or degrees that don't demand hard labour. I would've reccomended comp sci back in the day but it's a shit choice now. Maybe accounting or something. Just anything that guarantees an office job so u can sustain ur living and explore yourself.

Quiting with no plan will definitely not help. As someone said above you still need to figure out what to do with uourself. Cause unfortunately living isn't free so being unemployed and out of school might now work out.

 

[chillino]

I think it would be helpful for you to be kind to yourself. Look after yourself, stay hydrated, work out, stretch, go into nature if possible and join a club or a sports team or a choir or something where you dont have to performe and just try to be kind. To yourself and others. There is a lot of hate inside you and I know it stems from being not treated right. Eventually this path might not be yours but I am certain that you will find your way. You might have brain fog from treating yourself so poorly. I know that is how you tried to survive but its time to change something, isnt it? I am sure youve got this. Be the person you never had, be kind to yourself and dont treat others poorly because of your experience.
And I know it is hard, but you are still forcing yourself to do it.
I dropped out of college and it didnt went well. A human being is not made to avoid stuff. If you are avoiding you cant grow. And yes I think it could make you even more suicidal.
The solution is not dropping out or not, and it is also not trying to survive. You have to do something. I really hope you give yourself a chance.