okay this is really silly cause i always have the bad case of survival instincts kicking in cause after a handful of attempts since i was like 12, none of them has evidently worked!!! but todays my bday and i decided to try to end things with my boyfriend, wait until it's evening so my sister and brother in law leaves the house and my mum is resting upstairs for me to sneak out, down some drinks in me and cbt by jumping off my local car park. i NEVER have good luck with trying to cbt, ive done it so many times but its either survival instincts or im too fat for partial hanging and i end up breaking my ceiling or wardrobe hanger (cause i never weigh myself cause i physically don't look big and ppl tell me i look average build and i listen to them and i am living in delusion that my thin metal wardrobe hanger from 2012 can handle my 4"11, 56kg self and then it breaks after i try to hang from it and my ego is bruised for centuries) or something. my recent attempt (OD on oct on methylphenidate (don't judge i was desperate) landed me in the resus section of a&e, which is kind of progress! it's further towards death than any of my other billion attempts
but that's all back story and lore to prove how im the unluckiest or laziest suicidal person.
anyways so this evening i snuck out of the house -after i spent the entire day practically alone and wasting my time playing video games on my computer cause i didn't want to do something sentimental for my bday cause im scared of allowing myself to have a good time. i drank and walked my arse to my local car park, i was ready to jump. i mentally hyped myself up to go over the ledge, but this drunk hobo starts peeing in the corner of the carpark, and i saw him in the corner of my eyes but i was like "screw it, he's too out of his mind to rlly notice me". but this guy saw me about to jump, starts dashing at me and tries to SA me? im not gonna go into detail about it cause everytime stuff like this happens, i usually trauma block it out of my mind for a few days and i just want to forget it even happened.
i ran away and took a bus home cause i was scared. but i was actually embarrassed too, which is odd after being an almost victim of another assault like that. but im embarrassed cause this is the billionth time my plans have gone up in shits. i know that if ur reading this, it sounds like it's made up and it feels that way to me as well. life cannot be real right now.
i feel like my entire life and history of attempts are an episode of the worlds darkest tom and jerry-esque episode, where im trying to die but my plans are getting spoofed by the universe and im getting pranked into actually staying alive .
if only i had the money to travel to switzerland or whatever for assisted suicide. or were in america or anywhere else in europe other than the UK cause of resources being so limited that i always have to attempt in painful ways. but i cant believe i failed to cbt on my bday cause of this?? happy birthday to me i guess
at least im looking deeper into UK SN sources on dark net, even though its insanely scarce. and a massive fuck you to the universe for giving me the worst bday present ever btw
edit: right okay not even one minute after posting this, i tried to go to the bathroom and stood up from my chair and i tripped. the world is truly against me guys and i cannot make this stuff up
but that's all back story and lore to prove how im the unluckiest or laziest suicidal person.
anyways so this evening i snuck out of the house -after i spent the entire day practically alone and wasting my time playing video games on my computer cause i didn't want to do something sentimental for my bday cause im scared of allowing myself to have a good time. i drank and walked my arse to my local car park, i was ready to jump. i mentally hyped myself up to go over the ledge, but this drunk hobo starts peeing in the corner of the carpark, and i saw him in the corner of my eyes but i was like "screw it, he's too out of his mind to rlly notice me". but this guy saw me about to jump, starts dashing at me and tries to SA me? im not gonna go into detail about it cause everytime stuff like this happens, i usually trauma block it out of my mind for a few days and i just want to forget it even happened.
i ran away and took a bus home cause i was scared. but i was actually embarrassed too, which is odd after being an almost victim of another assault like that. but im embarrassed cause this is the billionth time my plans have gone up in shits. i know that if ur reading this, it sounds like it's made up and it feels that way to me as well. life cannot be real right now.
i feel like my entire life and history of attempts are an episode of the worlds darkest tom and jerry-esque episode, where im trying to die but my plans are getting spoofed by the universe and im getting pranked into actually staying alive .
if only i had the money to travel to switzerland or whatever for assisted suicide. or were in america or anywhere else in europe other than the UK cause of resources being so limited that i always have to attempt in painful ways. but i cant believe i failed to cbt on my bday cause of this?? happy birthday to me i guess
at least im looking deeper into UK SN sources on dark net, even though its insanely scarce. and a massive fuck you to the universe for giving me the worst bday present ever btw
edit: right okay not even one minute after posting this, i tried to go to the bathroom and stood up from my chair and i tripped. the world is truly against me guys and i cannot make this stuff up
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