worsening health

[Lawliet]

cw: mention of needles


hey all, it's been awhile since i've posted but things have gotten worse. last week i went into the clinic and they diagnosed me with a sinus infection. i went back in today and they told me to go to the emergency room to get a spinal tap to check for meningitis. there's a good chance that i have it, but i'm not willing to re-traumatize myself with a lumbar puncture (the last one i got gave me nightmares for a year and was one of the most painful experiences of my life.)

my health is just piss poor. i have had a constant headache for two years with no relief. no one can find out why. i also have gastroparesis, which makes digesting food really annoying and slow. i use a walker because i'm so weak. it's just test after test with no results. this new condition is the last straw. i'm devastated to leave behind my mom, nephews, and niece but i'm over it. my sister is coming home in six days. this will ruin her trip and it will ruin christmas. i was going to wait until the new year to kill myself. i'm so depressed. but my body and spirit are just broken. i'm done.

i will be doing the SN method. i've started my fasting. i have the metoclopramide. i also have propanolol, but i don't know if it's the delayed release or not. i've wanted to do this method for a long time. if i'm unsuccessful, maybe the meningitis will take me. i've been praying to anything out there to strike me down swiftly. death by meningitis isn't swift, but maybe that's my answer if sn doesn't take me.

i will update when i actually take the SN. thank you for this website, for the people here. i hope that we are all able to find peace. i hope i'm strong enough to go through it.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

My heart goes out to you. No one should ever have to make a choice like this.

 

[NoLightRemains]

cw: mention of needles


hey all, it's been awhile since i've posted but things have gotten worse. last week i went into the clinic and they diagnosed me with a sinus infection. i went back in today and they told me to go to the emergency room to get a spinal tap to check for meningitis. there's a good chance that i have it, but i'm not willing to re-traumatize myself with a lumbar puncture (the last one i got gave me nightmares for a year and was one of the most painful experiences of my life.)

my health is just piss poor. i have had a constant headache for two years with no relief. no one can find out why. i also have gastroparesis, which makes digesting food really annoying and slow. i use a walker because i'm so weak. it's just test after test with no results. this new condition is the last straw. i'm devastated to leave behind my mom, nephews, and niece but i'm over it. my sister is coming home in six days. this will ruin her trip and it will ruin christmas. i was going to wait until the new year to kill myself. i'm so depressed. but my body and spirit are just broken. i'm done.

i will be doing the SN method. i've started my fasting. i have the metoclopramide. i also have propanolol, but i don't know if it's the delayed release or not. i've wanted to do this method for a long time. if i'm unsuccessful, maybe the meningitis will take me. i've been praying to anything out there to strike me down swiftly. death by meningitis isn't swift, but maybe that's my answer if sn doesn't take me.

i will update when i actually take the SN. thank you for this website, for the people here. i hope that we are all able to find peace. i hope i'm strong enough to go through it.

I'm sorry you are being forced to act your plan at now. I also had a lumbar puncture and have had a constant headache since, there's no way I would do it again. It is so hard to exist with physical ailments. I wish you peace.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is horrific how this human body can potentially torture us to such an extreme extent. Your feelings of wishing to leave are understandable and it really sounds like you have suffered so much, for such a long time. There really is nothing fair about this and I understand that when existing just continues to get worse it's so awful and tiring. I hope that when the time is right for you to leave, you find the freedom that you wish for.

 

[Lawliet]

i have an update. i chickened out and ended up going to the hospital. the ER doctor did not think that i had meningitis, just some virus that was causing my problems. i'm supposed to go back if i developed a fever. i'm keeping SN on the table and honestly probably would have gone through with it if i hadn't thought i would ruin christmas. i want to get a living and last will put together too. thank you everyone for your support.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

i have an update. i chickened out and ended up going to the hospital. the ER doctor did not think that i had meningitis, just some virus that was causing my problems. i'm supposed to go back if i developed a fever. i'm keeping SN on the table and honestly probably would have gone through with it if i hadn't thought i would ruin christmas. i want to get a living and last will put together too. thank you everyone for your support.

I'm glad that concern resolved itself. I cab understand where you're coming from. I have a terrible neurological problem too that because it is invisible no one will ever know what it is like for me. That's an immense psychological burden and probably worse than the actual physical pain. They really expect us to go a lifetime with these problems.

 

[leeloosnow]

i have an update. i chickened out and ended up going to the hospital. the ER doctor did not think that i had meningitis, just some virus that was causing my problems. i'm supposed to go back if i developed a fever. i'm keeping SN on the table and honestly probably would have gone through with it if i hadn't thought i would ruin christmas. i want to get a living and last will put together too. thank you everyone for your support.

i'm so sorry for your sufffering @Lawliet it really is a painful and difficult step to take. i can think about ctb all day long but the action, i guess soon i'm gonna have to just do it, there's really no other way out for me, unfortunately.

 

[Ta555]

Sinus shit is no joke. I'm similar to you. 'headache' or rather a pressure and buzzing feeling for over a year. And also feel like I'm going crazy. Constantly mentally and emotionally agitated and it's always so so much worse when I get some sort of respiratory bug. Well I got one in October and despite antibiotics and sprays and all that, it's still there. I was much less suicidal for a while but it's ramped back up to 11. I'm just chicken shit and my dog is too cute. I wish I could just hook up and IV to N or SN or Fent or some other deadly drug and go.