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elfgyoza

elfgyoza

Cursed
Aug 5, 2019
326
Feel free to ignore this, sometimes it's just nice to get my thoughts out there since I find it so difficult to do so irl...

7th December
I finished Assassins Creed.
I'm not sure how I feel, there's just a huge void, nothing is there. I keep up the act for my friends, they'll go home in a few days. Self harm is enough to push me through those days, but I doubt little will stop me after that.
Sometimes I feel a glimmer of excitement, peace, knowing it'll be over soon.
It's a shame there is no other option, it's a shame I won't see how my favourite shows end or the sequels to my favourite games, but I cannot continue in this world and my best chance to leave is now. I hope people won't be mad at me for doing it.

10th December
I'm not calm anymore, I guess you could call it a 'crisis'. I do not want to be alive, but it is so difficult when you're faced with the pain of ending your own life. Maybe I'd have less reservations if I were alone in the house, I don't want to drag my friend into my problems, she doesn't deserve that. I'm trying not to act impulsivly, it's taking a lot of effort to restrain myself. I think back to my first attempt, how was I so calm and composed? I want that feeling again, but life really is unfair.
I keep staring at the poison I have sitting on my bed, comforting and scary at the same time. I occasionally entertain the idea of 'reaching out' for help, maybe calling the crisis team. But then I remember how little that would help, I'd either be watched and babysat like a child who can't be trusted, or worse, forced into a hospital that would hurt me even more. My problems cannot be fixed or managed, they're like curses etched into my brain. My choices are limited, my time waning. Life is the gift I never asked for and cannot return.
 
elfgyoza

elfgyoza

Cursed
Aug 5, 2019
326
Just tryna organise my thoughts somehow, sorry to anyone actually reading this lol

11th December
Trapped. I can't go home to my family and be met with the pressure of Christmas planning and the never ending hell that are my misophonia triggers. I also cannot stay here, suffocating in my room, scared to act for fear of hurting my friend. I need to die.
It's so pathetic. Why do I care about what happens after I'm gone... It's so simple, just one quick swig and I'll be gone within the hour. Why can't I do it, what is it that's really holding me back? Fear of the unknown? Afraid of disappointing people? I don't know, I hope I can figure it out soon.
Life fucking sucks. I hate it here.
 
T

TooConscious

Enlightened
Sep 16, 2020
1,144
I think screaming at life just gives it energy, they're laughing at upsetting you (to say the least)
But I still can't help doing it.
 

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