elfgyoza
Cursed
- Aug 5, 2019
- 326
Feel free to ignore this, sometimes it's just nice to get my thoughts out there since I find it so difficult to do so irl...
7th December
I finished Assassins Creed.
I'm not sure how I feel, there's just a huge void, nothing is there. I keep up the act for my friends, they'll go home in a few days. Self harm is enough to push me through those days, but I doubt little will stop me after that.
Sometimes I feel a glimmer of excitement, peace, knowing it'll be over soon.
It's a shame there is no other option, it's a shame I won't see how my favourite shows end or the sequels to my favourite games, but I cannot continue in this world and my best chance to leave is now. I hope people won't be mad at me for doing it.
10th December
I'm not calm anymore, I guess you could call it a 'crisis'. I do not want to be alive, but it is so difficult when you're faced with the pain of ending your own life. Maybe I'd have less reservations if I were alone in the house, I don't want to drag my friend into my problems, she doesn't deserve that. I'm trying not to act impulsivly, it's taking a lot of effort to restrain myself. I think back to my first attempt, how was I so calm and composed? I want that feeling again, but life really is unfair.
I keep staring at the poison I have sitting on my bed, comforting and scary at the same time. I occasionally entertain the idea of 'reaching out' for help, maybe calling the crisis team. But then I remember how little that would help, I'd either be watched and babysat like a child who can't be trusted, or worse, forced into a hospital that would hurt me even more. My problems cannot be fixed or managed, they're like curses etched into my brain. My choices are limited, my time waning. Life is the gift I never asked for and cannot return.
7th December
I finished Assassins Creed.
I'm not sure how I feel, there's just a huge void, nothing is there. I keep up the act for my friends, they'll go home in a few days. Self harm is enough to push me through those days, but I doubt little will stop me after that.
Sometimes I feel a glimmer of excitement, peace, knowing it'll be over soon.
It's a shame there is no other option, it's a shame I won't see how my favourite shows end or the sequels to my favourite games, but I cannot continue in this world and my best chance to leave is now. I hope people won't be mad at me for doing it.
10th December
I'm not calm anymore, I guess you could call it a 'crisis'. I do not want to be alive, but it is so difficult when you're faced with the pain of ending your own life. Maybe I'd have less reservations if I were alone in the house, I don't want to drag my friend into my problems, she doesn't deserve that. I'm trying not to act impulsivly, it's taking a lot of effort to restrain myself. I think back to my first attempt, how was I so calm and composed? I want that feeling again, but life really is unfair.
I keep staring at the poison I have sitting on my bed, comforting and scary at the same time. I occasionally entertain the idea of 'reaching out' for help, maybe calling the crisis team. But then I remember how little that would help, I'd either be watched and babysat like a child who can't be trusted, or worse, forced into a hospital that would hurt me even more. My problems cannot be fixed or managed, they're like curses etched into my brain. My choices are limited, my time waning. Life is the gift I never asked for and cannot return.
