Venting Word vomit

[willitpass]

I woke up today and only lost .2lbs from my lowest weight two days ago, I ate 990 calories instead of my intended 680, which is made even worse by the fact that I had a slow day at work so I only burnt 500 calories instead of my typical 700. The guy I've been talking to led me along and offered to hang out when I got off work and then backed out last minute. I'm fucking hungry but I can't fucking eat any more since I've already had so much. I am having too much executive dysfunction to be able to handle all of the things I have to do, including canceling appointments and such. I just want to die but I don't have the rope and haven't gone out and found a tree yet, and I'm also terrified to attempt again because I feel like I'm destined to fail at it since I've failed so many times. I cannot fail again. If I attempt and fail and someone finds out I will loose everything. My job, my apartment, my car, my credit, everything. I cannot fucking fail and that fear is making it impossible for me to try which means I have to continue suffering in the horrible world where calories drive me to tears, men lead me on, and crippling mental illness makes life insufferable.


This was just complete word vomit so I'm not expecting this to be read, I just needed to get it out.

 

[Seven Threads]

Hey there, willitpass. It was read. I don't have anything useful to offer in response, and I'm deeply sorry for that, but it was read. It sounds like you're going through a pretty awful time right now.

Is it okay to ask you about the strict regimen you're on, or does that make it worse?

 

[willitpass]

Hey there, willitpass. It was read. I don't have anything useful to offer in response, and I'm deeply sorry for that, but it was read. It sounds like you're going through a pretty awful time right now.

Is it okay to ask you about the strict regimen you're on, or does that make it worse?

I have recently relapsed into anorexia so I am trying to lose weight and have crippling anxiety around calories and the number on the scale. Every morning I go to the bathroom to get rid of any extra weight, then I weigh myself. If the number went down I get a little happy, but if the number went up I want to cry. It doesn't matter if it was by .1lbs, it's enough to make me panic. I then attempt to eat the same thing every day: a cliff bar in the morning, a donut around noon, and a cup of greek yogurt around 4. Yesterday I caved to hunger and ate some pretzels and hummus and a rice cake. I also have a compulsion to burn off as many calories as I ate so that I am in a calories deficit of at least 1500 for the day. It's actual hell, but if I'm lucky it'll kill me one day so I don't have to worry about killing myself

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so awful and tiring what you are going through, I also fear suicide failing and it sounds so horrible failing an attempt, I hate how it's so difficult to die in this world. But anyway best wishes, it's really understandable just wanting to be free from all the suffering.