Venting wondering why i'm unlovable tonight

[iftheworldwasending]

sometimes i wonder what i've done or what i'm continually doing to make me so unlovable. i either get close to a man and he leaves, or they just want me for their own pleasure. i'm constantly just being used and abused and left and never good enough for anyone. sometimes i wonder if this is really all life is. i get better and then get worse again.
i was hanging out with a new guy last night and i had the thought when things got bad "well i can just kill myself if things go too far, so it's fine". that's not normal, but it's become my new normal. i'm becoming less and less attached to life. i find myself in spirals of wanting to live and find love and be happy, and just give up. don't know anymore.

sorry for this pointless post. just needed to get it out and no one likes to listen to me.
<333

 

[Xdyzine]

I feel like that everyday, the wanting to die and being loved part, I don't think I've ever been loved by anyone in my life on a romantic level. Either they push away or I do. Or the universe ends it before it even starts.
I can relate to what you're saying and nothing is pointless. Everything you have to say matters. Much love

 

[iftheworldwasending]

I feel like that everyday, the wanting to die and being loved part, I don't think I've ever been loved by anyone in my life on a romantic level. Either they push away or I do. Or the universe ends it before it even starts.
I can relate to what you're saying and nothing is pointless. Everything you have to say matters. Much love

thank you for this comment, it means a lot. that's exactly how i feel. i feel like it's either of us pushing away or the universe just putting an end to it. feels unfair. just want a reason to want to be happy, but i can't seem to find it at night anymore.

 

[bov]

I like that you titled this post, ‘wondering why I’m unlovable tonight.’ It suggests that someone might love you tomorrow night, and the night after that ;)

 

[iftheworldwasending]

I like that you titled this post, ‘wondering why I’m unlovable tonight.’ It suggests that someone might love you tomorrow night, and the night after that ;)

gee, thanks for making me cry ;)
<333

 

[Spitfire]

sometimes i wonder what i've done or what i'm continually doing to make me so unlovable. i either get close to a man and he leaves, or they just want me for their own pleasure. i'm constantly just being used and abused and left and never good enough for anyone. sometimes i wonder if this is really all life is. i get better and then get worse again.
i was hanging out with a new guy last night and i had the thought when things got bad "well i can just kill myself if things go too far, so it's fine". that's not normal, but it's become my new normal. i'm becoming less and less attached to life. i find myself in spirals of wanting to live and find love and be happy, and just give up. don't know anymore.

sorry for this pointless post. just needed to get it out and no one likes to listen to me.
<333

It is not pointless. I love you if no one else does, I truly do love you and everyone!

 

[profoundexperience]

sometimes i wonder ... what i'm doing to make me so unlovable. i either get close to a man and he leaves, or they just want me for their own pleasure.

i find myself in spirals of wanting to live and find love and be happy, and just give up. don't know anymore.

This could be the worst idea ever... And it probably won't work if the guys you've known don't have a little integrity...

But what would happen if you invited a few of the past guys (the best of them) to coffee with the express intention of giving you feedback? Make it clear this is absolutely not about reconnecting, but you're trying to work on becoming a "better partner/woman/etc" and you'd like their genuine feedback about how it was for them when you were together. You'd like to give them a chance to be completely honest.

People usually like to be heard and to talk about themselves.

This requires a lot of courage and guts. Who's your favorite TV interviewer? I've always liked Oprah, but I also like Rachel Maddow (MSNBC). You maybe need to pretend/take on the persona of the professional you like best... Just "asking questions" and "gathering facts". During the interaction your job is to really hear what they say and learn as much as you can. Getting defensive or fighting back won't get the honest answers to come out. You can get emotional about it in private (if needed)...

And make it clear beforehand that this is only a 1-time thing. You're not interested in getting back together (at least anytime soon).

Do you think any of your "past guys" is man enough to tell you the truth?

Maybe you could start out doing it in writing, by email?

Again, this could be an awful idea... but it is the only way I can see to get you some possible answers.

I wish you great wellness, @iftheworldwasending!

 

[iftheworldwasending]

This could be the worst idea ever... And it probably won't work if the guys you've known don't have a little integrity...

But what would happen if you invited a few of the past guys (the best of them) to coffee with the express intention of giving you feedback? Make it clear this is absolutely not about reconnecting, but you're trying to work on becoming a "better partner/woman/etc" and you'd like their genuine feedback about how it was for them when you were together. You'd like to give them a chance to be completely honest.

People usually like to be heard and to talk about themselves.

This requires a lot of courage and guts. Who's your favorite TV interviewer? I've always liked Oprah, but I also like Rachel Maddow (MSNBC). You maybe need to pretend/take on the persona of the professional you like best... Just "asking questions" and "gathering facts". During the interaction your job is to really hear what they say and learn as much as you can. Getting defensive or fighting back won't get the honest answers to come out. You can get emotional about it in private (if needed)...

And make it clear beforehand that this is only a 1-time thing. You're not interested in getting back together (at least anytime soon).

Do you think any of your "past guys" is man enough to tell you the truth?

Maybe you could start out doing it in writing, by email?

Again, this could be an awful idea... but it is the only way I can see to get you some possible answers.

I wish you great wellness, @iftheworldwasending!

yeah unfortunately i know the responses of the "men" who i could ask, and the others are vapid and i have no interest in asking. there is ONE boy who i was very interested in, we had everything in common, lived super close, was absolutely amazing, FaceTimed every night for weeks, went to finally meet up and he ghosted and i haven't heard since. him, i would love to know what happened. but i don't think there's a point to reach out again with that mindset.
wish this was easier to figure out or deal with. but thank you for your suggestion. you put so much time and effort into your response and i hope you know it means a lot. <333

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

After decades of experience, I can tell you that it's not that you're not enough. Women often go to that default when a man cheats or ghosts.

I don't know where some guys learn to do this stuff, but the behaviors are so common.

Rather than taking it on as your lack, I'd recommend studying the patterns, such as the narcissist pattern of idealizing-devaluing-discarding, or a playa's handbook. I saw a meme the other other day that totally hit home: "You can fake an orgasm, but I can fake an entire relationship."

I'd also recommend going for a totally different kind of guy than you're used to, and not going for the initial spark of attraction, instead treating that as a red flag for now. Go for a guy who is "average," who treats people with respect, compassion and courtesy (notice how he treats servers and total strangers), who seems to have an inner peace, who listens and cares but doesn't try to fix nor negate, someone it takes awhile to sink in that, wow, this is a really good, solid, trustworthy and dependable person, someone who is willing to spend time getting to know you and accepts a three- to four-month waiting period before sex to see how rapport and emotional intimacy develop before moving toward sexual intimacy, someone who is okay with no and with boundaries and doesn't try to get you to change your mind once you've said no to anything twice, someone who isn't investing effort and time to get into your pants but to slowly and patiently get into "you" and slowly and patiently allows you to get into "him." I also recommend checking out Brene Brown's BRAVING tool for evaluating trust in a relationship, and if you're not sure about boundaries, the books Boundaries and In Sheep's Clothing.

These are just opinions and suggestions. Take what serves, discard what doesn't. I have no desire to push anything on you.

Sending lots of compassion and wishing you all good things.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

After decades of experience, I can tell you that it's not that you're not enough. Women often go to that default when a man cheats or ghosts.

I don't know where some guys learn to do this stuff, but the behaviors are so common.

Rather than taking it on as your lack, I'd recommend studying the patterns, such as the narcissist pattern of idealizing-devaluing-discarding, or a playa's handbook. I saw a meme the other other day that totally hit home: "You can fake an orgasm, but I can fake an entire relationship."

I'd also recommend going for a totally different kind of guy than you're used to, and not going for the initial spark of attraction, instead treating that as a red flag for now. Go for a guy who is "average," who treats people with respect, compassion and courtesy (notice how he treats servers and total strangers), who seems to have an inner peace, who listens and cares but doesn't try to fix nor negate, someone it takes awhile to sink in that, wow, this is a really good, solid, trustworthy and dependable person, someone who is willing to spend time getting to know you and accepts a three- to four-month waiting period before sex to see how rapport and emotional intimacy develop before moving toward sexual intimacy, someone who is okay with no and with boundaries and doesn't try to get you to change your mind once you've said no to anything twice, someone who isn't investing effort and time to get into your pants but to slowly and patiently get into "you" and slowly and patiently allows you to get into "him." I also recommend checking out Brene Brown's BRAVING tool for evaluating trust in a relationship, and if you're not sure about boundaries, the books Boundaries and In Sheep's Clothing.

These are just opinions and suggestions. Take what serves, discard what doesn't. I have no desire to push anything on you.

Sending lots of compassion and wishing you all good things.

edit: i followed you so you can PM me :)
okay so this was actually some of the best advice i've ever received. i really needed this. i think i get so caught up in someone who i'm traditionally attracted to and who i want to be with, but i think a lot of those men are only interested in sex, which is fine, it's just not the place i'm at right now. i know i need someone at the same place as me, who is ready to wait for intimacy and take things slow, help with my trauma, etc. which can be hard to find. i'm gonna PM you because i have some questions, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. you're amazing. <333

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

edit: i followed you so you can PM me :)
okay so this was actually some of the best advice i've ever received. i really needed this. i think i get so caught up in someone who i'm traditionally attracted to and who i want to be with, but i think a lot of those men are only interested in sex, which is fine, it's just not the place i'm at right now. i know i need someone at the same place as me, who is ready to wait for intimacy and take things slow, help with my trauma, etc. which can be hard to find. i'm gonna PM you because i have some questions, thank you so much for taking the time to write this. you're amazing. <333

I wish good things for you, and I'm so glad you found any of my advice valuable.

I don't do PMs, though. If you're comfortable and want to talk things out on the forum I'm glad to engage.

 

[iftheworldwasending]

I wish good things for you, and I'm so glad you found any of my advice valuable.

I don't do PMs, though. If you're comfortable and want to talk things out on the forum I'm glad to engage.

oh okay! i was gonna ask your opinion on dating apps, and where to meet people. i don’t necessarily enjoy the people i work with and am kind of lost about that aspect.

 

[Good4Nothing]

I wonder why I'm unlovable every night.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I don't have much to say but I'm unlovable too and I understand how shit it feels

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

oh okay! i was gonna ask your opinion on dating apps, and where to meet people. i don’t necessarily enjoy the people i work with and am kind of lost about that aspect.

I'm out of the loop on dating apps, but whenever I met someone decent, it was because we shared common interests. Never made a good match on a dating website or app, though I've met people who have. Definitely never made a good match with someone I met in a bar, ever. Not a good idea to date a coworker anyway, it has far-reaching impacts on the environment, not just each of you, and can also be used against you if things go bad, not just with coworkers but also with bosses and HR, even if you're in the right.

If I were to seek a relationship again, I'd go to an environment where I get a lot out of the environment itself, and if I happened to connect with someone, great. Personally, I enjoy ethics and would want someone ethical as well, so maybe I'd take a class on ethics or learn a martial art. The latter may be something you'd want to consider for working through getting empowered after sexual trauma.