Venting Wondering if I should CTB soon after all

[demuic]

"Soon" being within the next 2 years for me, so not as technically soon as other members. I was holding off, for as long as I can, because I didn't want to cause my mother pain, but when I remember/think about the way she has allowed others to cause me pain, or done nothing to try and fix certain problems, and no longer care anymore. But when I'm not in the mindset of thinking about that, I still don't want to hurt her.

There are some things I'd like to do first, but I doubt I even have the energy or willpower to do them. I still can't focus on anything, even things I really like. I think I won't change much or "get better' in the next few years, despite my constant wishful thinking that "this year I'll actually change and become motivated and pursue the things I want to pursue" that has happened again and again. The thought of living for even another 5 years disgusts me, especially with the way the world is going right now. I get angry thinking about it, I haven't really watched the news or kept up with any world events since about late 2016, I happily live under a rock. I did briefly get interested in politics again this year but I've once again tuned things out due to how idiotic and arrogant most of the people involved in those discussions are. The news in general is just bullshit, and I don't care about trash celebrities or American media or whatever so I've got no desire to keep up with anything, and don't want to.

Now in the next 2 years I can see myself CTBing if things don't change drastically in my personal circumstances. There are some possible changes that may happen within that timeframe that could make my life moderately to significantly more bearable, one involving my living circumstances, another involving medication, but I'm done having hope for such things as I've been let down and disappointed too many times.

And one of the core reasons I want to CTB is because I hate living in this world, so no matter how much personal improvement I make, I still don't want to live in society and play out the madness that is modern life.

I'm so tired, I hate it here.

 

[Ghost2211]

2 years is a good amount of time. If I want or need to get things done it helps to think of them one at a time, and ignore how big the pile is. You don’t need to work in the direction of getting better or in the direction of ctb. Living each day one at a time and doing the things you want to do as you’re able to do them might help. It takes the mental pressure off, and can make existence somewhat more tolerable.

 

[demuic]

2 years is a good amount of time. If I want or need to get things done it helps to think of them one at a time, and ignore how big the pile is. You don’t need to work in the direction of getting better or in the direction of ctb. Living each day one at a time and doing the things you want to do as you’re able to do them might help. It takes the mental pressure off, and can make existence somewhat more tolerable.

It's probably closer to one year but I say 2 years to be generous.

I've been living each day one at a time and it feels so painful. No purpose. Just doing the same shit. And it doesn't really satisfy me. Not for long. Just occupies the time. I lose myself in video games and manga. Then I become aware of the real world, and become depressed that these are really the circumstances of the world.

Time drags on so slowly by the minute, and then it passes by in the blink of an eye in the long run. I still get surprised it's 2020, when it's about to be 2021, and my birthday will come up. Somehow another year passes by and I don't know how I made it through or what I did, just rotting away in my bedroom.

I guess I do put pressure on myself. I feel useless, because I'm never been able to get anything done. I can't name anything significant or noteworthy I've done in the past 5 years, it's just the same old shit. And I always leave things unfinished and it frustrates me. I guess I just wish I could do the things I want to do right now, instead of thinking "I'll do this when I feel better", because I'll never feel better.

Sorry for rambling at you.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's probably closer to one year but I say 2 years to be generous.

I've been living each day one at a time and it feels so painful. No purpose. Just doing the same shit. And it doesn't really satisfy me. Not for long. Just occupies the time. I lose myself in video games and manga. Then I become aware of the real world, and become depressed that these are really the circumstances of the world.

Time drags on so slowly by the minute, and then it passes by in the blink of an eye in the long run. I still get surprised it's 2020, when it's about to be 2021, and my birthday will come up. Somehow another year passes by and I don't know how I made it through or what I did, just rotting away in my bedroom.

I guess I do put pressure on myself. I feel useless, because I'm never been able to get anything done. I can't name anything significant or noteworthy I've done in the past 5 years, it's just the same old shit. And I always leave things unfinished and it frustrates me. I guess I just wish I could do the things I want to do right now, instead of thinking "I'll do this when I feel better", because I'll never feel better.

Sorry for rambling at you.

I know that feeling as well. It’s passing empty time rather than living. If we must stay for a certain amount of time for others or for goals there’s little tricks to get through each day, but they only really work if you can ignore the fact that they are bandaids. Hopefully you can find things that make you feel good in the moment. I suggest getting into PC gaming. It’ll eat thousands of hours.

 

[demuic]

I know that feeling as well. It’s passing empty time rather than living. If we must stay for a certain amount of time for others or for goals there’s little tricks to get through each day, but they only really work if you can ignore the fact that they are bandaids. Hopefully you can find things that make you feel good in the moment. I suggest getting into PC gaming. It’ll eat thousands of hours.

I do game but usually just keep going back to the same few games that give me comfort.

 

[umbrellaphone]

Write your reply...Sounds reasonable. It should give you enough time to take various factors into consideration which hopefully can help you make the decision you won't regret.

On an unrelated note, I'm surprised to see how many people seek catharsis in gaming. I honestly fail to see its appeal. My aunt bought me a Playstation in 2018, saying young people these days like to play this, so why don't you try it out. I rarely touch it ever since, so far only barely managed to finish playing 2.

 

[taylor321]

I totally relate to not having the energy or willpower to do things. Whenever I have brought this up i get ignored and told I'm just lazy when I legit cant do anything. I feel like I am just a waste of space, not even other people (who claim to be suicidal) care enough to take me seriously. I have messaged multiple people from the partners thread and none of them could even go through with meeting up with me Clearly nobody likes me or cares about me and I guess i cant ever expect that to change. Everyone, even ppl on this site have more going on in one week then I have for years.... people like that will never understand what it's like.

 

[Symbiote]

One can set ultimatums on life to force themselves to achieve a goal or pan out their life up to that point to see whether or not to continue. I respect that and because life can be unpredictable you may not need to CTB after all. I give myself ultimatums all the time to drive myself towards something. If I don't reach X by 2021, due to whatever reasons, then I should CTB because I have brought shame to myself. Shit like that which may awaken some hidden willpower for self-preservation.