Venting Wondering if anyone would miss me

[SanguineShark]

The truth is - they will. I am fortunate enough to have people who apparently like me and were in distress after I came out to them that I had a ctb plan. I know despite how toxic and abusive at times my mom and my grandma are, even my brother - they would miss me, and I'd probably leave a deep hole in their hearts. I guess they do love me, but they're all unstable and mentally unwell, which resulted in my suffering. I have a few extremely loyal and caring friends. It's really bizzare how despite the objective facts telling me that yes, a lot of people would miss me, I still deeply feel that they won't. I feel worthless, so why would I mean anything to anyone? I can't fathom why would anyone ever like me, let alone love me. I'm a completely broken person, I wish I could die in peace.

 

[HighFlight]

It's really bizzare how despite the objective facts telling me that yes, a lot of people would miss me, I still deeply feel that they won't. I feel worthless, so why would I mean anything to anyone? I can't fathom why would anyone ever like me, let alone love me. I'm a completely broken person, I wish I could die in peace.

Life has a way of sending you a message. I'm sorry you have such a crazy family, but they obviously see something in you. Same for your friends. Why wouldn't someone like you, let alone love you? Your feelings are valid, and I'm sorry you feel worthless and broken.

I can relate to the feelings of worthless and broken. I told my therapist tonight that I am a completely "f*cked-up human". I have my own crazy family, although no friends. If you feel like talking, feel free to PM me.

Regardless, I truly hope you can find the peace you are searching for.

 

[SanguineShark]

Life has a way of sending you a message. I'm sorry you have such a crazy family, but they obviously see something in you. Same for your friends. Why wouldn't someone like you, let alone love you? Your feelings are valid, and I'm sorry you feel worthless and broken.

I can relate to the feelings of worthless and broken. I told my therapist tonight that I am a completely "f*cked-up human". I have my own crazy family, although no friends. If you feel like talking, feel free to PM me.

Regardless, I truly hope you can find the peace you are searching for.

The perceived value I bring to my existence is the self sacrifice I give for others, so I can prevent them from suffering, I want to be a figure in people's lives that provides endless love, care and support. That counts a lot seeing how living itself is full of pain and suffering. What people see in me is a caring individual who has a lot of empathy for my close ones.
Sadly, that's the surface that people see, it's what I let most of them see. Behind all this "worth" my existence seems to have, is a miserable person who is in a gigantic amount of suffering. I wouldn't be so focused on loving others if I didn't have a deep motive, and for me it's just the fact how sad and depressed I am. I do all this because I wasn't loved enough as a child, and this trauma shapes every aspect of my being.
I also know my close ones recognize that I'm an intelligent person, as I read a lot of scientific papers, probably mostly because I'm autistic so I have a ton of interests, but now I see it's just easier to live on this earth if you're stupid and you're neurotypical. I'm too sensitive, it's a double edged sword.
I'm aware that some of my behaviors add worth to my life, but me myself as a person - I am worthless. It's all just a mask. I actually got a diagnosis recently, it's borderline personality disorder. I'm literally just a walking disorder, I love a lot but I also suffer a lot. I's hell. The desire to end my life grows as the suffering piles up, and the bottomless pit inside myself consumes me.

 

[HighFlight]

I've hidden all my issues from the world as a defense mechanism - the result of teenage trauma decades ago. My secret was well concealed until a few years ago. I was the one who could solve problems, help others, and fix just about anything. Even though I never had real friends, but I could help people and make there lives a little easier.

Now depression and anxiety rule my life. I feel worthless as a father, as a husband, as a son, and as an employee. My mind seems to be going, and several physical issues.

Ironically, your precieved value is more important than you might think. It can be a super-power. It's something everybody needs. But you need to take care of yourself too.

I hope that you can find a way to harness your power to help others and heal yourself. It sounds like you really deserve it. (and don't bury your own problems - address them as you can.)

 

[SanguineShark]

I hope you can also heal and feel happier. I myself am still trying with therapy and meds, but it's not really working.