Help Woke up with a sinking feeling

[Qdv]

Hey guys...this morning I woke up to a message from someone I used to feel so deeply for that made my heart absolutely sink. I know Ive been very withdrawn and have shied away from answering calls, which is something I tend to do when Im extremely depressed. I just cant help it I dont want anyone to sense the awkwardness and discomfort I feel in myself. Just having absolutely nothing to contribute to a convo...so I woke up to a message saying "Hey, prolly gonna block you."

Im sitting in the bathroom at work just holding these tears back. I know hes got selfish tendancies. But I feel so discarded. Not even a "hey youre not yourself lately, you ok?" "We can talk about it if you need to," just...going to block you because you dont entertain me the way you did before. Hes one of the only people that have been reaching out anyway the past two weeks. Ive got one other friend who just moved across the country who calls to chat. I cant handle this emptiness anymore.

I cant handle not knowing how to interact with people, I cant handle feeling so weak and not knowing who I am or how to move through the world. I spend every hour of my day that Im not working in bed. I feel like I cant stop this cycle. For three or four years its only gotten worse. Im crying as I type this I have nothing to live for or look forward to everyday. Ive been extensively researching SN as my method...that or jumping. Ive decided where I would jump. When I try to imagine the feeling of being on that bridge its a mix of terror and anxiety. Im thinking I will go at night as to not cause any commotion.

Im just feeling so numb and desperate lately. My body aches from inactivity, my mind can only think about leaving. I feel that Im too damaged to remotely attempt healing myself. Years of pushing people away, episodes, hospitalizations, substance abuse, toxic relationships. My home environment also toxic. Im an only child and none of us interact and havent for years aside from arguing, it feels like three strangers cohabitating. I know if I were to kill myself at home my parents would know until I missed work. Even though Im empty...its pain to feel this way. No ambition, no direction, no interests. Completely socially debilitated. Everyday the most interaction I have is exchanging platitudes. Ive mastered my tone in saying "good, how are you?" In passing...thats all though. Thats the most interaction I have. I feel like my personality started to change back in college with severe social anxiety...I started avoiding situations and got so adept at it I crippled myself. I dont know what to do except end this. Im afraid to fail with the SN method and Im having challenges finding any anti-emetics. Jumping...I just have to overcome my SI. Ive researched so much...how if you dont die on impact you'll likely drown as your injuries prevent you from resurfacing. I feel so broken today

 

[gingerplum]

That is just so hurtful. I'm sorry someone you cared about is capable of being so callous. You must be completely overwhelmed right now.

There are ways to find meto online; I'm sure someone here can help you. Please hold off on doing anything rash as SN is a proven, peaceful method. I don't like to think about anyone drowning in icy water because their bones are too shattered to swim.

As awful as things are right now, you deserve a better way than jumping, even if it takes longer to get everything in place.

 

[Rachel74]

I can't interact with with people and I won't try anymore. My paranoia makes me feel that I am being used so I prefer my own company and that of my dogs and the lovely folks on here. Let him block you, he does not deserve your tears my lovely. You can interact with us. I agree with Gingerplum don't jump as you are worth a better way of going if you decide to.

 

[noreasonsleft]

Regardless of what you choose to do. I can tell you that that person sent you that shitty message just to get a reaction from you. Regardless, a person who truly loved and cared about you would not do or say something to hurt you. I would ignore that message and not reply anything to them, they just want your reaction/attention and see that it affects you somehow, don't fall for it. If you want to talk we are here for you. We care. I send you lots of love.

 

[Qdv]

Im sorry for the late reply but more importantly thank you all for your thoughts and support on this It means so much to me

That is just so hurtful. I'm sorry someone you cared about is capable of being so callous. You must be completely overwhelmed right now.

There are ways to find meto online; I'm sure someone here can help you. Please hold off on doing anything rash as SN is a proven, peaceful method. I don't like to think about anyone drowning in icy water because their bones are too shattered to swim.

As awful as things are right now, you deserve a better way than jumping, even if it takes longer to get everything in place.

i've been mulling this over in my mind the past two days, you're right. I feel such a sense of urgency right now but the last thing Id want is to bring local media attention to my family. Just the thought of blunt force impact, drowning or both makes me wince no matter how much I tell myself I could. Thank you again for your concern <3

I can't interact with with people and I won't try anymore. My paranoia makes me feel that I am being used so I prefer my own company and that of my dogs and the lovely folks on here. Let him block you, he does not deserve your tears my lovely. You can interact with us. I agree with Gingerplum don't jump as you are worth a better way of going if you decide to.

Thank you, Rachel74 <3 it makes me feel better to know Im really not the only one who struggles with social interactions. Ive started to put it behind me as well and theres a sense of peace thats come with it. I enjoy seeing your replies on the threads I read

 

[Qdv]

Honestly thats a good point and a better part of me expected him to have a reaction to being ignored freqently but in this case I tried to mention it lightly a time or two and he just talked right over it. I'd also brought up once or twice that he never listens to me when we talk. Everytime he'd call it was him talking, being dense or trying to be funny and whenever a conversation opened there was never a genuine "how are you doing," and thats just who he is. Could I have been more foreward about it? Sure but at a risk of not being understood or supported. I know he could tell there was a major difference in my demeanor. I do understand your perspective

The same thing happened to me recently with a girl. She ignored my calls, ignored my messages and when I told her that I had enough, she said that she was depressed and that she was going through some problems. WTH? How am I supposed to know?
Please you have to know that a person will never know what's inside your mind or heart until you tell them. So blaming others for your wrong actions will never make things better for you.

I might not know what exactly happened between you. You know more about yourself and about them than I do. So if he is a j*rk, he deserves getting ignored and blocked. Just saying!

Also in my mind, its one thing to say "I've had enough," there's nothing wrong with that really as its an expression of where youre at but it still leaves things open enough for her to explain herself, but it feels like a whole other thing to be cavalier and say "Hey, Im probably going to block you." Like reaching out isnt worth the time or energy and hes getting nothing from it.