Venting wishing that i could disappear tonight

[monetpompo]

i'm still on a one way train to ruining what's left of my life. people give me advice i don't listen to because i keep mulling over suicide methods for half the day. i can't hang myself because i'm a coward and i'm worried about puking/pissing/shitting while unconscious. whenever i try to hang myself now i just start gagging and i feel like i'll throw up. some days i really wish that it would work out but i can't get myself to stand off the stool. today is a night where i could do it if i really wanted to, like all nights. i could just die. i don't want tomorrow to happen. i hate waking up because i'm so scared of another day of being alone. every morning i just think about how i could've killed myself to avoid seeing the sun again. opening my eyes and seeing my meaningless room with my cute knick knacks that were supposed to make me happy just makes me want to die instead. i just don't really care. i don't really care about anything. it's hard for me to ever think that my life is going anywhere other than suicide, so it just makes me want to drop everything i plan on doing and start running towards a bridge.

i can't take this feeling anymore and i know it's insufferable. i don't feel like anyone will ever care or take me seriously until i finally die. i think that the only people willing to me hang out with me anymore in my darkest headspace would be a hookup, but i still don't think anyone would be attracted to me. i'm just not good enough in people's eyes. i'm a placeholder person even when i'm naked. the more i think about it the more it just makes sense to die at this moment in my life, because i don't know how it could get any worse. i don't want to enroll back in college. i don't want to watch the new years fireworks. if i could die at this moment by laying on the road or on train tracks, i would. it's so pathetic that i would do anything to have the chance to drop dead besides do an effective suicide method. all the non-methods like ODing or drinking ethyl gylcol seem so much easier compared to hanging. thinking and talking about my life just makes me depressed. it's all downhill. no one even likes me or wants to hang out with me. i make everyone bored, sad, or frustrated. i don't want to be a burden. i wish being suicidal meant that you could die on command.

 

[Artemus]

I get you.
My life has hit a rock bottom so low that suicide seems like a logical thing to do in my situation. I am even too tired to even try to do stuff in real life that would help towards me commiting suicide. I am doing the bare minimum to keep myself out of temporary trouble. The future gives me anxiety.