Venting Wishing I Could Live

[dazed.daydreamer]

I wish I could be a relatively normal and functioning person. I wish I felt like a person at all.

For years I dreamed of being a doctor. I remember getting fixated on different diseases and conditions as a kid and deeply researching them, especially cancers; I was even researching med schools and what not in elementary/early middle school, I just couldn't wait. But over time my depression got worse and my cognitive functioning deteriorated, to the point I could no longer get by in my pre-med courses, or really learn at all. I could no longer imagine getting through undergrad, let alone as a pre-med student, let alone getting through medical school. I changed my major and goals to mental health psychology, hoping to make something out of my depression by using it to help teenagers struggling with their mental health, as a therapist or school psychologist or something else. But still my mind further unravels and I'm barely getting by with my much more forgiving courseload. I barely leave my dorm more than half the time now. As graduation approaches, I'm forced to recognize that I probably won't get into grad school, and I probably couldn't get far at all in any graduate program at this point anyway.

I wish I could connect with friends genuinely. I wish I ever had the energy to go out or even just initiate small social events more than once in a blue moon. I wish I could start dating, fall in love, be committed to someone and serve them and care for them and love them. But how can I form any sincere relationships when I don't feel like a person myself? I only really socialize out of obligation, such as running into people in class or when they reach out to me about something. I don't initiate things on my own because I often forget I can even do that. I feel like an NPC in a way, it sounds strange but I genuinely forget I have free will at times, that I can just get up and do things (I think this may be depersonalization). But even when I do remember, I usually don't have a desire to do anything, only because I am so incredibly drained and exhausted most of the time for no reason.

I'm sick of feeling so exhausted all the time, having such bad brain fog, not feeling excited for things or feeling much at all, apart from random pangs of anxiety and despair. I can only keep track of a coherent train of thought half the time now, too spaced out to even focus on my own thoughts the rest of the time, let alone focusing on anything like work or conversations. And my symptoms have only gotten worse and worse over the years, since this all started about 11 years ago now--half my lifetime ago.

I would love to be a person with a life. I'd love to be applying for grad school, excited about my career (if not overwhelmed or tired to a normal extent) and future. I'd love to feel close to my friends, to make plans myself and actually hang out with them beyond obligation, to have a desire and the energy to go out and have fun, to have a sense of autonomy over my life. I wish I could figure out my weird relationship with gender and dysphoria and actually do something about it, make a firm decision about who I am and trust myself. I'd love to get out there and date and fall in love with a kind woman and make her my world. But none of this is possible for me, not with the brain I have now, and I have no idea how to fix this.

Why am I even like this? I could have such a wonderful life. I've truly been blessed situationally, my external circumstances are very good, and I'm incredibly cognizant of and grateful for that. I just wish I could actually make something of it. And it doesn't leave much for me to point a finger at for why I'm like this, beyond some inherent defect. Is it simply the effects of happening to develop severe depression when I was 11 and it lingering and worsening ever since? Is it the chronic on and off eating disorder behaviors, with a particularly extreme bulimia relapse a few years ago where I spent multiple hours a day binging and purging? Was it the development of gender dysphoria while I was very religious and in a fundamentalist Christian school as a kid, terrified of being found out and unable to reconcile my faith with this newfound identity I couldn't fully suppress, and never fully resolving this tension years later? It's weird to think back on these things, I'm so detached from my past I struggle to remember this stuff sometimes, and it doesn't even really feel like my own past anymore.

I tried to sort myself out, addressing these things with therapy and journaling, but nothing definitive came out of this. I don't think I could even attempt this again now with how intense my dissociation is. As soon as I try for a moment to remember who I am and sit in the discomfort, I get incredibly overwhelmed, anxious, upset, before my mind automatically disconnects and I dissociate.

I'm completely lost on what to do. I want to live, but I haven't been living for so long, and I have no idea how to become a person once again so that I may start to have a life again. I've been putting off/unable to CTB due to dissociating whenever those feelings get strong, rendering myself to spaced out and exhausted to go through with any plans. But as time goes on and things get worse and graduation approaches, I have to face the truth. And at this point, the truth seems to be that my only real option is to CTB, and soon.

 

[Young.Werther]

I think some people take breaks before grad school! I don't know about med school specifically, but i know for other graduate programs it's not atypical (and sometimes expected!). Also (and I can't really believe I'm saying this) if you want to live you should see if you can't get some help with recovery. From my experience neither option is easy (which is why I'm stuck in a limbo) but I also don't know that I have sufficient motivation either way. I mean I get to the brink of CTB and then don't have the courage to make a proper attempt.

It sounds like you might have the motivation to grit your teeth through recovery and if you have some people to help you through it maybe things work out? Maybe I'm just saying these things because today is a less bad day for me.

For me the way I frame it is: what do things look like five years down the road if I were to stick around? I don't know if that's a helpful way to think about it (I mean I'm still stuck in limbo) but thats what I do. Good luck either way!

 

[dazed.daydreamer]

I think some people take breaks before grad school! I don't know about med school specifically, but i know for other graduate programs it's not atypical (and sometimes expected!). Also (and I can't really believe I'm saying this) if you want to live you should see if you can't get some help with recovery. From my experience neither option is easy (which is why I'm stuck in a limbo) but I also don't know that I have sufficient motivation either way. I mean I get to the brink of CTB and then don't have the courage to make a proper attempt.

It sounds like you might have the motivation to grit your teeth through recovery and if you have some people to help you through it maybe things work out? Maybe I'm just saying these things because today is a less bad day for me.

For me the way I frame it is: what do things look like five years down the road if I were to stick around? I don't know if that's a helpful way to think about it (I mean I'm still stuck in limbo) but thats what I do. Good luck either way!

Thank you for your reply!
When it comes to logistics of grad school and recovery, it's less of a concern. It's daunting for sure, and I've avoided really thinking about what I'll need to do when the day comes (by just ignoring it for the moment or by imaging I'd be dead by then). But I know I could make plans to take time off and try a more intensive recovery program in the meantime.
That's not exactly where the issue lies, I don't think. It's hard to explain, but it lies more in the lack of a sense of personhood and the cognitive issues. I think if I felt more human, just a very depressed one, I'd be more willing to try intensive recovery, although guilt over the cost and just generally taking up resources that could help other people instead of me would still be an issue. But the sense of detachment from myself and life makes it feel hopeless. How could anyone else fix that? My issues feel more inherent to who I am, rather than something that happens to be a part of my life. And it messes with motivation to, like I'm just not really here. This is probably really unclear, I'm having a hard time explaining how this feels, or wrapping my own head around it.
This is good and kind advice, I appreciate it. I have also been stuck in limbo for a long time, I hope we both find a way out.

 

[Young.Werther]

I hope we both find a way out.

Hope is a tricky bastard but I guess there's nothing else to do.

I don't think I quite follow what you're saying but I do sometimes feel like I'm a puppeteer controlling myself. I had a phase where I was really into choose your own adventure stories and I'd sometimes see things as the reader telling me (the character) what to do. Or sometimes I think maybe I'm not the reader but there is a reader who is if not choosing, then at least consuming/reading my story. It's weird. I don't know if that's what you mean by dissociating though.

My issues feel more inherent to who I am, rather than something that happens to be a part of my life. And it messes with motivation to, like I'm just not really here.

I feel like this is where there's supposed to be the typical pro-life spiel. I don't really believe in that (and wouldnt be the right person to deliver it). I think the things that keep me here are (1) I'm scared of the possibility of reincarnation. I think I'm also pretty lucky with the roll of the dice I got and don't want to roll again. And (2) I'm scared something will go wrong and I'll be stuck where I'm conscious and alive but unable to do anything. The strategy right now is to wait until things get really desperate and something gives one way or another. This may very well be a terrible strategy lol.

But yeah idk how anyone could fix that or if it's doable. I know that we observe statistically significant effects from talk therapy and medications and whatnot, but to my knowledge we don't really understand why or how these things work mechanistically. I guess this should be a neutral thing and maybe the uncertainty is a positive surprise, but somehow I don't believe that. I'd be interested if you figure it out.