Venting wish to suffer

[NotUrDream]

I have this intense urge to constantly seek out more and more suffering, I'm always trying to ruin my life just to make myself even more depressed on purpose, because I feel like I don't deserve the moments of peace I do have. Whether it's physical, mental, or emotional suffering, I do whatever I can to keep myself as depressed as possible, all to try and overcome the fear of death and stop clinging to false hopes that only set me up to watch everything go wrong. I urgently need to find something that destroys me from the inside out, something that stops me from overthinking or hesitating before I act, because all this thinking and this fear is just screwing me over and holding me back in a cycle that never ends.