Discussion Wish I was born as any other race/ethnicity

[d3j3ct3dl0s3r05]

A major contributing factor to me wanting to CTB (that I don't often like to think about) is my race. As a non-American, my experience with being of black African descent isn't necessarily framed by institutional racism and culture (esp since we're a relatively new migrant group, although I was born and raised here). I didn't necessarily grow up in a predominantly white environment but rather a "predominantly-everyone-but-black" environment for context and therefore don't have any black friends and (it is highly unlikely I will unless I move to another country or if there's some sudden demographic shift)

Growing up around toxic and abusive family, I find that I've developed this aversion to other black people and immediately view them as judgemental and am immediately fearful of being insulted to my face for how I am (amplifies when I'm dressed in more alternative clothing in public). As someone who's always been a bit unusual with neurodivergent traits, I've mostly grown up being picked apart by family members for not acting or looking a certain way and this has shaped my perception of other black people by extension. I know it's awful and it isn't good to generalise others on the basis of something they can't change but I don't know what to do. I don't want to be accused of acting "Western" for having severe social struggles and mental illness, liking alternative genres and subcultures, tech stuff etc. I just wish I could engage with my interests in peace without being held up to some stupid social standard that only seems to apply to black people. The few non-family black people I've come across have either bullied me for being weird/quiet or "emo".

Now this is the part I'm most embarassed about but since I do look a bit odd, I sometimes lie about my ethnic background. The thing is, nobody gives a shit about race here and it honestly doesn't change anything but it's due to feeling insecure about being a "failed black person" for not acting like the rest of my family. Having a thicker Australian accent than the rest of my family doesn't help either. I've considered getting plastic surgery just to make my features more racially ambiguous so I'm hopefully less recognisable as my ethnicity and can enjoy my interests without being picked apart by others.

I also hate when people assume I can't speak English especially since I've always been hyperlexic. Being shy doesn't help since being equate that with me simply not knowing how to speak English when really it's me not knowing how to communicate with others at all.

I should stress that I don't actually hate African descent and the history of where I'm from specifically is pretty epic but I just wish I could exist without all the sociocultural baggage. Just want to CTB because it all sucks. If I somehow reincarnated with all my memories as literally any other race, I'd likely feel more comfortable liking what I do like. Like I'd straight up make it my mission to join or form a band. But as of now, I'd only feel comfortable pursuing music with a mask or something

Idk I wonder if anyone else (regardless of background) can relate to feeling like an impostor within your own culture.

 

[Inthewind]

Your uniqueness is a strength, and it's worth exploring your interests and passions without the weight of societal expectations. Rather, you are a person with a rich and diverse identity. I hope you can connect with others who share your interests, and work on accepting and loving yourself as you are. Your journey is valid, sorry bout your judgemental family, sometimes I would go in the bathroom or hide in the closet to listen to music that had curse words which weren't allowed in my house until I grew older, or maybe you can use headphones. It's understandable that growing up in a toxic and abusive family environment has influenced your perception of yourself and others. The negative experiences you've had can shape how you view the world, including your own cultural identity. there's no single "right" way to be a member of any racial or ethnic group. People are unique individuals, and it's perfectly okay to have your own interests, preferences, and personality traits that may not align with stereotypes or cultural norms.

 

[UsagiDrop]

A podcast that I was passively listening to actually talked about this. They were two black men, in the UK, and one of them talked about how isolated he felt with his "white" (I abhor the stereotyping too) interests. He felt the need to hide it from his friends and family all his life, until he went into college and ended up rooming with someone who was also black, but wasn't as ashamed of his alternative interests. He said that experience of being able to participate in things he always wanted to growing up without fear of judgement from his own race or other races was freeing. It warmed my cold and shriveled little heart to hear it.

Not doxxing myself, I'm from on one of the many, many, many countries within the Caribbean. I love my home, and I recently made a move to the US. I always felt disconnected from the culture there, though. People said I would "fit right in" here. Obviously, that will never happen. I'm different, no matter what. But when I was growing up, I had a similar problem. I didn't speak in our dialect for most of our childhood, I spoke "like a white person" (read: "like an American"). I didn't want to listen to rap music, R&B put me to sleep, our local genres annoyed me; I preferred soft rock, emo rock, Kpop, Jpop, and all of the other things that was like social suicide to publicly like when I was growing up. I didn't watch the shows everyone else watched, I watched anime and kdramas. Would rather stay home and read or play the sims than go to some party to gyrate on a teenage boy. I couldn't even dance, and having no rhythm is like the worst offense you could commit. I also hated fish, and a lot of the savory traditional foods and dishes— I wanted to eat fast food that was not native to home, or pasta, or bread, or a salad. They teased me for it all! Even my family, they periodically asked me if I was still into "the foreign things" and laughed when I said yes. The way I dressed was criminal too, I won't even start on that. My sexuality and mental struggles were a sore point too. The odds were stacked against me. People treated me like a giant lizard-woman among humans, like they didn't know where I came from and what to do with me.

The place I grew up was really small. I wouldn't say I felt resentful toward the people of my culture, nor did I really avoid them, but I felt disconnected and it closed me off to many things and experiences. Of course, though, over the years my interests have diversified. And things like kpop and anime are wildly popular now, it's not considered so nerdy. Yet, that's the legacy of my childhood and early adolescence; the "white girl," the "oreo," the weirdo who couldn't possibly be from there. I still don't feel like I'm really "authentic" to my region.

I can definitely relate, but I think I started caring less very recently. It might just be something that has come with age but I just don't give much of a fuck anymore. People can make fun of me or stereotype me if they want, it hurts sometimes but it hasn't stopped me from eventually finding community and embracing my interests. It did cause me a lot of turmoil when I was growing up, I wished that I stopped caring sooner. I even had friends that were into the things I was into; we printed out our anime favs on paper, put them in front of our binders, got teased and cried together. Those were dark times.

I don't really have advice but I hope it helps knowing that people can relate. Honestly, though, I love my home, my race, my culture, my ethnicity, my accent and language. Even if I had another chance, I wouldn't want to be another race. So I can't really relate to that, but I can relate with wanting to crawl out of your brown skin, wishing you were any other race so that certain interests and aesthetics will be more tolerable and acceptable on you.

I think you should eventually do what you want! Be alt and kick ass. Like what you want and wear what you want, I'm sure it will look just fine on you if not great. Join a band and rock the world. Make music, even if you have to wear the mask. Do all of that only if you want to, though, and if there's still time left. There's nothing wrong with you or your interests, although how you're feeling is really valid. We're just a really niche and growing group! Maybe you will come across someone black and alt one day. They may not exactly be from where you're from, but I hope you can have that freeing experience too.

 

[painful existence]

All I can say is that the more you care what others think about you,the more miserable you would get.I know it is not easy to completely discard the opinions of society but there is no harm in trying.I

 

[autistocracy]

Yes, yes. I totally get what you mean. I'm black also, and I hate it. I hate cèdes ending from slaves and the generational poverty that comes with that, the discrimination, my features being seen as ugly. I'm so sick of it all. I would rather be anything but a n***** honestly. I've wrote in my journal many of times that being black is legitimately a curse. It only makes your life worse.