Venting Wish I was actively suicidal.

[LonelyPrince]

I'm only passively suicidal.
I hope something happens to me, something that results in my life being taken from me.

I never actually chose a method, was just testing the ones accessible to me, just to see how it would feel like.
Unfortunately part of me wants to live and recover, but everyday my essence is just rotting away.
The meds help, sure. But they don't fix the core.

My core is tainted and dirty.

Everyday is the same. Everyday I'm behind in life. The shame I feel builts up. I seem to be unable to just be on board with everyone else. I feel as though I'll never recover and get back on track with others.

I try.
My mother knows I do. I don't particularly like her due to the suffering she put me through, however I feel like I have to apologize profusely for her having me.

I know depression Is an illness, I know its not my fault for being like this...but I still feel shame and guilt.

Big part of why I'm not actively suicidal is maybe because I care too much of what would be of my image, despite me being dead. I don't want to be talked about, nor remembered.
My wishes wouldn't be respected.

 

[deadgirlwalking]

I'm only passively suicidal.
I hope something happens to me, something that results in my life being taken from me.

I never actually chose a method, was just testing the ones accessible to me, just to see how it would feel like.
Unfortunately part of me wants to live and recover, but everyday my essence is just rotting away.
The meds help, sure. But they don't fix the core.

My core is tainted and dirty.

Everyday is the same. Everyday I'm behind in life. The shame I feel builts up. I seem to be unable to just be on board with everyone else. I feel as though I'll never recover and get back on track with others.

I try.
My mother knows I do. I don't particularly like her due to the suffering she put me through, however I feel like I have to apologize profusely for her having me.

I know depression Is an illness, I know its not my fault for being like this...but I still feel shame and guilt.

Big part of why I'm not actively suicidal is maybe because I care too much of what would be of my image, despite me being dead. I don't want to be talked about, nor remembered.
My wishes wouldn't be respected.

I understand, I would also be actively suicidal if not for the fact im surrounded in a house with people who would call the police on me if I attempted (they dont care mind you they just dont want the headache of dealing with a death in the house). Its not feasible for me to do it rn but im hoping to move out soon into an apartment where I can have the freedom to do so. Its more logistics for me at this point than anything.

 

[cyanlove]

It's interesting since the "passive" suicidal becomes active when someone takes steps towards recovery such as taking their ssri medication. This can cause an individual to become much more motivated to actually kill themselves. That's why all those commercials for antidepressants have the caveat, "may cause suicide or suicidal urges."