My parents are out right CUNTS for consciously and deliberately subjecting me to this sick, cold and evil world. I vow to return the favour and make them experience unthinkable pain before I kill myself. I will certainly kill myself before they die. How cruel of them to expect me to witness their death but for them to not witness mine. I will make them atone for their grave mistake and open their eyes to the despicable reality of the world we live in.
They will suffer, immensely. I can only guarantee this. This is all I want.
What you have described is exactly what I want to do to my dad. My mom has passed away, so I couldn't say the same about her, but the fact is I totally agree with you about all of this. It also does not help that my parents wanted me to exist for the purpose of exploiting me. The only good thing that I can say is that I wasn't used for terrible things, but it is still the case that when I was a kid I overheard a private conversation between my dad and a friend of his where he said he wanted a son so he could use me to help him with all of his pet projects and doing chores.
Of course, I have no interest whatsoever in any of the things he is interested in, which are the very same things he always tried to make me help him with. When doing so, he wasn't doing it for the purpose of teaching me important life skills that could benefit me, it was all about doing things he wanted and doing them his way, otherwise he would get pissed off because I did something wrong. I almost attempted to murder him with a weed whip once when I was about 10 or 11. I didn't do it of course, but the thought was there because he was standing over my shoulder and screaming at me because I was not doing it right. The reason that I wasn't learning how to do things properly is because I expected him to overreact if I did it wrong, so I didn't want to do it at all, and my expectations turned out to be 100% correct. Perhaps if he hadn't even been around, I could have taught myself how to do it and everything would have been great.
Now days he seems to have changed from back then. He isn't as much of an asshole as he used to be (at least not to me). At first I thought the reason was because he felt bad for the way he behaved in the past and that he wanted to make up for it, but I've come to realize that this might not be the case at all. I recently discovered that he is involved in some family drama and his sudden character change only occurred at the peak of it. It seems like he only wants me to take his side (he mentions the drama more often than I would like), so he's suddenly acting nicer because he thinks that might work. I could be wrong about his intentions, but given the circumstances, it's really difficult for me to be sure. All I know is, I don't want to get anywhere near that drama and I sometimes feel like cutting everyone out of my life would be beneficial, but I don't yet have the ability to do it.
I have often felt like it would have been better if I had either been aborted or miscarried. I have also thought that it would have been better if I had died when I was a baby, which is something that almost happened due to a hemorrhage, but I somehow survived that. At the current moment, I've made the decision to give life another shot, but I will only be doing it for me, rather than other people, most of whom only ever seemed to be interested in me as long as I kept doing favors for them (there are only a couple of exceptions to this). When the time comes that I feel like I am ready to CTB, I really hope my dad is still alive because I want him to be the one to read my note. I'll explain my reasons and the exact ways in which he contributed to it. Maybe I am an asshole in my own way for wanting to do that, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it and he will realize that he brought it on himself.
Also, I want to mention that some of the posts in this thread are from people saying that their existence was a mistake, but I often think that existing because your parents wanted you to is no better. Most parents (if not all of them) only make the decision to have children for selfish reasons. If they were going to make a decision that was going to benefit the child then they wouldn't have any! When we are born, all of us end up getting dragged into this world kicking and screaming, so what does that tell you? The best thing anyone could do for their kids is not forcing them to exist in the first place. I totally understand that if everyone felt this way, the human race would go extinct, but why would that be a bad thing? Just something to think about.
I didn't intend on writing a novel, but when I find a thread that makes me want to say something, I end up ranting lol.