Wish I had the balls

[MidnightDream]

I'm female, so not literal, but I wish I had the balls to just order SN already.
I don't know what I'm scared of, it's not like having it would change anything - But at the same time I worry it would change everything.
I've been experiencing a lot of highs and lows recently, every hour or so, and I'm exhausted.
It's mind numbing, spending a solid hour staring at a wall planning an in depth suicide, what notes I would leave, my family's reactions etc.. Only to feel ridiculous the following hour when I feel fine again.
I've been tracking it this last hour... High, low, high, low, on average around 15 minutes each. What am I meant to do with 15 minutes? What exactly am I able to achieve within a 15 minute period of feeling ok, before it comes crashing down again? How ridiculous.

In those down periods... All I feel is hopelessness. I just want to be gone, but knowing that eventually my mood will 180 prevents me from making any drastic moves.. I don't want to regret anything. And I know that if I had SN, I would probably take it. And I don't want to risk my last moments to be plagued with panic and regret because my mood could change, I mean how fucking dumb would that be? One way ticket to the psych ward for sure, I'm barely keeping myself out of it as is.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to deal with all of this, and handle being an adult. Paying bills, studying for my exams, being a wife. Like, what the fuck. There simply isn't enough energy in the day to do all of these things, and yet they're all essential aspects of my life. Letting go of any of them would just make everything worse - how ironic.

I truly feel stuck and I don't see a way out. Too scared of the concept of permanence to even order SN, too tired to continue on like this. Truly iconic existence.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring what you are going through and it does sound like a difficult situation to be in, where you feel so trapped. But I hope that in whatever you decide, you find relief from your suffering.

 

[jodes2]

I totally understand how you feel. I'd be very hesitant ordering SN too. Sorry you're stuck on the rollercoaster I hope you find peace some how

 

[hungry_ghost]

Have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? What you describe sounds similar.

Perhaps digging into that and possibly getting on meds could be something to look into before taking drastic measures.

I mean shit, you can always CTB later.

 

[Sunset Limited]

I have balls but still here. Because SI has bigger balls and beats me with them.

 

[cowie]

I understand how you feel.

It is getting harder and harder to get SN, so one day that may no longer be an option for you. That may be what you want (that's it's no longer an option so you don't have to think about it).

 

[lonelyguy]

I know the feeling. I ordered mine and got it last week. It seems like it's getting harder to get where I am online in Canada. It was weird because the dhl driver left it on the porch and my mother actually brought it in and handed it to me. She asked what it was and I said it was some car cleaner, I almost wanted to cry and tell her to take it. It's under my bed, not sure when I'll use it but if I can't get Nembutal, it will eventually have to be SN

 

[MidnightDream]

Have you ever been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? What you describe sounds similar.

Perhaps digging into that and possibly getting on meds could be something to look into before taking drastic measures.

I mean shit, you can always CTB later.

Not bipolar, but BPD. According to the psych, my mood swings haven't ever really lasted long enough to be categorised as bipolar, but it was under review for a while.
I'm on antidepressants, so maybe that's what's hiked up the cycling but who knows.
Very true, drastic measures terrify me so definitely trying to consider all options in the meantime

I have balls but still here. Because SI has bigger balls and beats me with them.

This made me giggle, what a mood

I understand how you feel.

It is getting harder and harder to get SN, so one day that may no longer be an option for you. That may be what you want (that's it's no longer an option so you don't have to think about it).

That's true... But then I don't know if that would be worse. Having it, or never being able to get it.. Both seem equally as distressing. Typical

I know the feeling. I ordered mine and got it last week. It seems like it's getting harder to get where I am online in Canada. It was weird because the dhl driver left it on the porch and my mother actually brought it in and handed it to me. She asked what it was and I said it was some car cleaner, I almost wanted to cry and tell her to take it. It's under my bed, not sure when I'll use it but if I can't get Nembutal, it will eventually have to be SN

Sending hugs <3

 

[EndlessDespair]

I'm female, so not literal, but I wish I had the balls to just order SN already.
I don't know what I'm scared of, it's not like having it would change anything - But at the same time I worry it would change everything.
I've been experiencing a lot of highs and lows recently, every hour or so, and I'm exhausted.
It's mind numbing, spending a solid hour staring at a wall planning an in depth suicide, what notes I would leave, my family's reactions etc.. Only to feel ridiculous the following hour when I feel fine again.
I've been tracking it this last hour... High, low, high, low, on average around 15 minutes each. What am I meant to do with 15 minutes? What exactly am I able to achieve within a 15 minute period of feeling ok, before it comes crashing down again? How ridiculous.

In those down periods... All I feel is hopelessness. I just want to be gone, but knowing that eventually my mood will 180 prevents me from making any drastic moves.. I don't want to regret anything. And I know that if I had SN, I would probably take it. And I don't want to risk my last moments to be plagued with panic and regret because my mood could change, I mean how fucking dumb would that be? One way ticket to the psych ward for sure, I'm barely keeping myself out of it as is.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to deal with all of this, and handle being an adult. Paying bills, studying for my exams, being a wife. Like, what the fuck. There simply isn't enough energy in the day to do all of these things, and yet they're all essential aspects of my life. Letting go of any of them would just make everything worse - how ironic.

I truly feel stuck and I don't see a way out. Too scared of the concept of permanence to even order SN, too tired to continue on like this. Truly iconic existence.

Before I received my SN, I felt so determined that I would ctb when I got. But when it finally arrived, it felt like a weight got lifted off me. I finally felt like I had a choice, and it gave me the motivation to give life one more try before I let it go.

I would recommend ordering it right away, so you don't have to worry or stress about not having access to it when you truly need it. If you choose to order, it doesn't mean you have to use it right away. An unopened pkg can last for years. Just hide it somewhere safe, then when you're truly tired, and have exhausted all other options, at least you have something to fall back on

 

[Nirrend]

I'm female, so not literal, but I wish I had the balls to just order SN already.
I don't know what I'm scared of, it's not like having it would change anything - But at the same time I worry it would change everything.
I've been experiencing a lot of highs and lows recently, every hour or so, and I'm exhausted.
It's mind numbing, spending a solid hour staring at a wall planning an in depth suicide, what notes I would leave, my family's reactions etc.. Only to feel ridiculous the following hour when I feel fine again.
I've been tracking it this last hour... High, low, high, low, on average around 15 minutes each. What am I meant to do with 15 minutes? What exactly am I able to achieve within a 15 minute period of feeling ok, before it comes crashing down again? How ridiculous.

In those down periods... All I feel is hopelessness. I just want to be gone, but knowing that eventually my mood will 180 prevents me from making any drastic moves.. I don't want to regret anything. And I know that if I had SN, I would probably take it. And I don't want to risk my last moments to be plagued with panic and regret because my mood could change, I mean how fucking dumb would that be? One way ticket to the psych ward for sure, I'm barely keeping myself out of it as is.

I don't understand how I'm supposed to deal with all of this, and handle being an adult. Paying bills, studying for my exams, being a wife. Like, what the fuck. There simply isn't enough energy in the day to do all of these things, and yet they're all essential aspects of my life. Letting go of any of them would just make everything worse - how ironic.

I truly feel stuck and I don't see a way out. Too scared of the concept of permanence to even order SN, too tired to continue on like this. Truly iconic existence.

I'm really sorry to see you in this state sweet @MidnightDream ❤❤

 

[jamie_]

I don't really have the up and down periods where I feel fine after awhile – it is pretty much all the time – but I do relate to wishing that I had a set of balls to get it over with. Cowardice is the only reason I am still here.

 

[damaged_soul]

Ugh I hate survival instinct so fucking much. I got my SN back in February but still haven't mustered the courage to use it. I don't even have antiemetics. I've been putting off ordering meto for so long. It's silly because I wouldn't even use the meto to just ctb; I actually need it because I struggle with nausea a lot, yet my stupid survival instinct still won't let me order the meto.