LostLily
Why do I exist?
- Nov 18, 2024
- 57
I wished that I had a better to CTB. I hate my life and myself. But in comparison to other people my life is not much worser than other people.
I'm in my 30's and still live with my parents. I don't pay rent or do any chores. And I have a full time job. But I still want to die. My parents love me, but they treat me like a child and worst of all my brother is mentally unstable with the mind of a toddler. Every day he makes messes and we all have to resolve our schedule to care for him. And if we set him off he can start getting violent and once we hadto call the police because he was being so destructive and caused a black eye to my dad. Growing up in the environment, all of my parents attention went to him . And a lot of time my dad would scream out his frustration on me. And growing up in a conservative Filipino household, I was the only one who got the belt, my brother never got in trouble.
I feel trapped, so a previous counsellor told me I should leave home and when I told her I can't afford it. She replied "not with that attitude". That pissed me off because it felt very dismissive because I can't pay rent with a "good attitude", especially with a job that barely pays over minimum wage.
Don't like my job, but it far from the worst job I had. I work a customer support/tech support call center worker. It is rewarding at times helping people but at the same time dull and frustrating especially when we deal with total Karen. And despite how sad I feel, I have to put on my "customer service voice"". Recently they promoted me and I didn't want it because it meant more stress for only an extra $1.70/hr.
Because of my anxiety i have fucked up and been let go of several jobs and spend pretty much most of my 20's through a series of low-paid contract jobs. So at least my current job is stable.
Saying all that, I have friends who are unemployed, homeless, has chronic pain disorder and or have pets who with serious illness. So I feel guilty for being so depress when my life is better than their life.
I'm in my 30's and still live with my parents. I don't pay rent or do any chores. And I have a full time job. But I still want to die. My parents love me, but they treat me like a child and worst of all my brother is mentally unstable with the mind of a toddler. Every day he makes messes and we all have to resolve our schedule to care for him. And if we set him off he can start getting violent and once we hadto call the police because he was being so destructive and caused a black eye to my dad. Growing up in the environment, all of my parents attention went to him . And a lot of time my dad would scream out his frustration on me. And growing up in a conservative Filipino household, I was the only one who got the belt, my brother never got in trouble.
I feel trapped, so a previous counsellor told me I should leave home and when I told her I can't afford it. She replied "not with that attitude". That pissed me off because it felt very dismissive because I can't pay rent with a "good attitude", especially with a job that barely pays over minimum wage.
Don't like my job, but it far from the worst job I had. I work a customer support/tech support call center worker. It is rewarding at times helping people but at the same time dull and frustrating especially when we deal with total Karen. And despite how sad I feel, I have to put on my "customer service voice"". Recently they promoted me and I didn't want it because it meant more stress for only an extra $1.70/hr.
Because of my anxiety i have fucked up and been let go of several jobs and spend pretty much most of my 20's through a series of low-paid contract jobs. So at least my current job is stable.
Saying all that, I have friends who are unemployed, homeless, has chronic pain disorder and or have pets who with serious illness. So I feel guilty for being so depress when my life is better than their life.
