Wish I could be erased

[brokensea]

I find myself so often lately wishing I could disappear into another life. One I actually wanted. Free of all these terrible things and memories of my life. One I could still have children and a family in.

I want everyone to forget me. I feel like my death will hurt other people. At times I think they'll all forget about me and move on but other times I know I will deeply affect some people probably forever. I know this because my ex boyfriend committed suicide. He was under a delusion everyone would be better off without him when everyone was devastated when he died and I've never been the same since.

I wish I could just disappear and everyone who ever knew me would forget I existed. I feel like if this could happen it would make leaving so much easier.

Staying here out of guilt and thinking of continuing to live in this lonely, empty life, I feel horror beyond imagining, thinking of living in pain like this till I die naturally.

I never got close to anyone after my boyfriend died until eleven years later I met someone new and I fell in love. He and I were going to have a baby. He left me for his ex claiming he was going to lose custody of his child and the child would be even more horribly treated alone with this woman so he had to go back with her to protect his kid. So someone is there in the house with her. That if she got full custody she'd be even worse to their child without him there to protect her.

He destroyed my life when he did this and it was the last year I had to try for a baby because of my age and now there's almost no hope at all for me to have a child. I hate him but I still love him or maybe just who he used to be.

Last we talked he knew I was going to commit suicide. I planned it out next month after my trip. He reached out a couple weeks ago after we hadn't talked in a month and told me he gave away everything he owns and spent his finances and he's ready to go when I do.

Now I feel trapped. Angry. He has kids from this woman and others before and I don't know how I can rob them of their father. He's serious about this and has shown me proof he's gotten rid of everything.

I feel like he's taking away my choice to die. Ruining my plan. Expects me to live alone with no one in agony, any dreams for my life gone forever because of what he did and he thinks I should be forced to live? Threatening me in this way. I don't know what to do and certainly can't just be ok with him dying. He's now he says as depressed as me because he knows he ruined my last dreams and happiness and I'll never have a child because he left me and he also did other terrible things to me. And instead of letting me have peace from this never ending disappointing shit show of a life I've endured, because I have finally given up and there is nothing I want to live for, now he's threatening suicide to keep me here. I am at a loss and I don't know what to do.

 

[hungry_ghost]

And instead of letting me have peace from this never ending disappointing shit show of a life I've endured, because I have finally given up and there is nothing I want to live for, now he's threatening suicide to keep me here.

This guy sounds like piece of work.

So, he couldn't be in an actual romantic relationship with you because he had to protect his child, but now he wants to be your suicide partner and completely negate his previous concerns about his child?

I would block the hell out of this guy, so that he has no idea what you are going to do, and can't continue to guilt you.

 

[brokensea]

This guy sounds like piece of work.

So, he couldn't be in an actual romantic relationship with you because he had to protect his child, but now he wants to be your suicide partner and completely negate his previous concerns about his child?

I would block the hell out of this guy, so that he has no idea what you are going to do, and can't continue to guilt you.

It literally makes no sense and I have brought up well what would happen to your kid now and he says he has insurance and some kind of stocks from his job and then they'll be ok. It's illogical from his previous concerns. He watches things he knows I post in groups online (not here since I made this account after we broke up and has no idea about it) and I've had him help me with things online so he has my passwords when we were dating and even though I've changed them he says he monitors me to make sure I'm still alive. That as soon as he find out I'm gone or sees anything posted about it from a friend on FB for example he's going to go.

 

[theboy]

Damn threats
Don't let esp get to you. Decide for yourself and your life. Whatever brings you peace. What he does next, won't be your problem.

 

[brokensea]

Damn threats
Don't let esp get to you. Decide for yourself and your life. Whatever brings you peace. What he does next, won't be your problem.

I know I need to get to that point. I keep thinking of his family and how it would be all my fault. I feel like I'm being held hostage like I'm trapped in a cage. I should be allowed to make my own decision about my life how can you try to force someone to live in a nightmare hell every day for years and years. Even the thought of it I can't imagine. I had a big trip planned a while ago and wanted to leave everyone with nice last memories and then was going to make my exit. I also didn't want to ruin everyone's trip. The last attempt I made a couple months ago failed so I thought well I'll wait till after the trip for everyone then I'll go. I have a more successful method planned out thanks to this site.

How can you let someone suffer that way? He doesn't need to have anything to do with it. I'm going to end up completely paralyzed with depression and unable to work or live or eat anymore and just be locked up and left out on the streets after I'm kicked out from whatever place they lock me in if things keep going with the way I'm feeling. I already spend almost every day for 2 years now in bed not doing anything. I can barely walk around to go microwave food since I can't cook anymore. Im so weak. I'm just getting worse and worse and there is no way out and nothing worth living for because I lost my only chance to have a child and be happy and have a normal life like I wanted. The life I never had as a child. A life someday that wouldn't be a completely empty meaningless shit hole of suffering. I'd have people love me and a purpose. Now I'm going to die alone and I have nothing anymore to dream or hope of and nothing matters to me. I could care less about jobs, hobbies, stupid goals, friends who have their own lives who come in and out there is literally nothing for me because my dream was to have a family it's all I wanted since I was a little girl and it's all gone forever after so much suffering in my life and I just want to go and I can't imagine continuing on to live my life for years more like this. Even one day feels impossible to get through. Nothing will ever matter to me in life again and I have no purpose at all or dreams or hopes. Everytime I've had them god pisses on me with gasoline and sets me on fire. I'm incapable of ever feeling anything like hope or happiness again.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you have to endure such unbearable suffering and are trapped in this situation. I would personally like to just disappear and have my existence completely erased, it would be ideal. I wish you freedom.

 

[Hollowillow]

I find myself so often lately wishing I could disappear into another life. One I actually wanted. Free of all these terrible things and memories of my life. One I could still have children and a family in.

I want everyone to forget me. I feel like my death will hurt other people. At times I think they'll all forget about me and move on but other times I know I will deeply affect some people probably forever. I know this because my ex boyfriend committed suicide. He was under a delusion everyone would be better off without him when everyone was devastated when he died and I've never been the same since.

I wish I could just disappear and everyone who ever knew me would forget I existed. I feel like if this could happen it would make leaving so much easier.

Staying here out of guilt and thinking of continuing to live in this lonely, empty life, I feel horror beyond imagining, thinking of living in pain like this till I die naturally.

I never got close to anyone after my boyfriend died until eleven years later I met someone new and I fell in love. He and I were going to have a baby. He left me for his ex claiming he was going to lose custody of his child and the child would be even more horribly treated alone with this woman so he had to go back with her to protect his kid. So someone is there in the house with her. That if she got full custody she'd be even worse to their child without him there to protect her.

He destroyed my life when he did this and it was the last year I had to try for a baby because of my age and now there's almost no hope at all for me to have a child. I hate him but I still love him or maybe just who he used to be.

Last we talked he knew I was going to commit suicide. I planned it out next month after my trip. He reached out a couple weeks ago after we hadn't talked in a month and told me he gave away everything he owns and spent his finances and he's ready to go when I do.

Now I feel trapped. Angry. He has kids from this woman and others before and I don't know how I can rob them of their father. He's serious about this and has shown me proof he's gotten rid of everything.

I feel like he's taking away my choice to die. Ruining my plan. Expects me to live alone with no one in agony, any dreams for my life gone forever because of what he did and he thinks I should be forced to live? Threatening me in this way. I don't know what to do and certainly can't just be ok with him dying. He's now he says as depressed as me because he knows he ruined my last dreams and happiness and I'll never have a child because he left me and he also did other terrible things to me. And instead of letting me have peace from this never ending disappointing shit show of a life I've endured, because I have finally given up and there is nothing I want to live for, now he's threatening suicide to keep me here. I am at a loss and I don't know what to do.

One thing for sure, he hurt you. Get rid of him. Tell him that he broke up with you, made his choice, so if he regrets it & want to die, it's none if your business. That's his child's. He was ready to dump you to protect the kid but now wants to die? What a freaking manipulative liar. He went back with his ex because his dick missed the good old pussy he knew & it's easier than build something new.

He pretends to want to die with you, pressuring you to die.

Get rid of men. And figure out what you want.

You can adopt a child. But someone suicidal for years should not bring a child into it. If you find out you get more deptessed with post partum depression (exhaustion... You already sound exhausted) or freak put having a moody teenager... It's unfair for the kid to end up abused in foster care after you ctb.

Maybe babysit kids if your hormones demand babies... All the fun no bullshit when you sleep... Get cats... I don't know.

But that guy is a jerk!

It literally makes no sense and I have brought up well what would happen to your kid now and he says he has insurance and some kind of stocks from his job and then they'll be ok. It's illogical from his previous concerns. He watches things he knows I post in groups online (not here since I made this account after we broke up and has no idea about it) and I've had him help me with things online so he has my passwords when we were dating and even though I've changed them he says he monitors me to make sure I'm still alive. That as soon as he find out I'm gone or sees anything posted about it from a friend on FB for example he's going to go.

He said the kid would be abusef by the mom. Cash doesn't protect from that.

Fucking maniac stalker. Block him & tell him to piss off. Tell him you're marrying your ex

I know I need to get to that point. I keep thinking of his family and how it would be all my fault. I feel like I'm being held hostage like I'm trapped in a cage. I should be allowed to make my own decision about my life how can you try to force someone to live in a nightmare hell every day for years and years. Even the thought of it I can't imagine. I had a big trip planned a while ago and wanted to leave everyone with nice last memories and then was going to make my exit. I also didn't want to ruin everyone's trip. The last attempt I made a couple months ago failed so I thought well I'll wait till after the trip for everyone then I'll go. I have a more successful method planned out thanks to this site.

How can you let someone suffer that way? He doesn't need to have anything to do with it. I'm going to end up completely paralyzed with depression and unable to work or live or eat anymore and just be locked up and left out on the streets after I'm kicked out from whatever place they lock me in if things keep going with the way I'm feeling. I already spend almost every day for 2 years now in bed not doing anything. I can barely walk around to go microwave food since I can't cook anymore. Im so weak. I'm just getting worse and worse and there is no way out and nothing worth living for because I lost my only chance to have a child and be happy and have a normal life like I wanted. The life I never had as a child. A life someday that wouldn't be a completely empty meaningless shit hole of suffering. I'd have people love me and a purpose. Now I'm going to die alone and I have nothing anymore to dream or hope of and nothing matters to me. I could care less about jobs, hobbies, stupid goals, friends who have their own lives who come in and out there is literally nothing for me because my dream was to have a family it's all I wanted since I was a little girl and it's all gone forever after so much suffering in my life and I just want to go and I can't imagine continuing on to live my life for years more like this. Even one day feels impossible to get through. Nothing will ever matter to me in life again and I have no purpose at all or dreams or hopes. Everytime I've had them god pisses on me with gasoline and sets me on fire. I'm incapable of ever feeling anything like hope or happiness again.

Me too... About everything...

I'm sorry that you have to endure such unbearable suffering and are trapped in this situation. I would personally like to just disappear and have my existence completely erased, it would be ideal. I wish you freedom.

But you'd undo everyone's joy & comfort to read your posts. I do hope that you'll be free soon... But I'd prefer to keep my memory of you?

 

[brokensea]

I'm sorry that you have to endure such unbearable suffering and are trapped in this situation. I would personally like to just disappear and have my existence completely erased, it would be ideal. I wish you freedom.

Thank you.

One thing for sure, he hurt you. Get rid of him. Tell him that he broke up with you, made his choice, so if he regrets it & want to die, it's none if your business. That's his child's. He was ready to dump you to protect the kid but now wants to die? What a freaking manipulative liar. He went back with his ex because his dick missed the good old pussy he knew & it's easier than build something new.

He pretends to want to die with you, pressuring you to die.

Get rid of men. And figure out what you want.

You can adopt a child. But someone suicidal for years should not bring a child into it. If you find out you get more deptessed with post partum depression (exhaustion... You already sound exhausted) or freak put having a moody teenager... It's unfair for the kid to end up abused in foster care after you ctb.

Maybe babysit kids if your hormones demand babies... All the fun no bullshit when you sleep... Get cats... I don't know.

But that guy is a jerk!

He said the kid would be abusef by the mom. Cash doesn't protect from that.

Fucking maniac stalker. Block him & tell him to piss off. Tell him you're marrying your ex

Me too... About everything...

But you'd undo everyone's joy & comfort to read your posts. I do hope that you'll be free soon... But I'd prefer to keep my memory of you?

Thank you so much my friend. It was really sweet of you to say. I see truth in your words that he did leave me and hurt me and we were going to have a family and led to this depression so what right does he have to threaten me now?

I know you can adopt but for me it's that I have always wanted my own child. I was forced against my will to have an abortion at 14. It's been a source of grief for me and I always hoped to have the choice to have a child some day but lost that.

I've suffered in my life but was in a good place at the time before all this happened to have a child. I've babysat and been a nanny before and even though it seems I'm so suicidal and depressed now I've always been amazing with kids and I never yell or spank kids and most of my life was spent working with disabled adults and elderly people who I really helped make a difference in their life. I keep so much inside people don't know I'm depressed. Yes now in this state I would never adopt. I don't even date I would be more of a charity case than a partner and wouldn't even want someone to deal with me.

I saved your comments about the fireflies and have been thinking about it a lot. It was really beautiful. Had such meaning to me. Maybe you don't notice you feel that way but I think sometimes I feel like that too and I care about the people here so much and think some them are the kindest people I have ever met in my life. There's no other place I feel accepted at as I am. No one who gets how I feel or can even relate. No one who says a kind word to me without judgement but here. So I have been thinking of your fireflies a lot.