Winding down

[vapauttaa]

I've got all I need to end things with SN - this past year has been another excruciating year of this life. Likely will end things in September, after I mail the rent check. I donated almost all of my clothing, sold some things though mostly just gave things away. The apartment is pretty much cleared out. I'll have plenty of time before my body is found. I didn't want to die here, I even thought of getting rid of whatever else I have, taking a train or flight and SN'ing a forest somewhere. But, I will die here, I accept that. I don't want my father involved in any capacity after I'm gone. He'll try to take control over whatever happens once I'm gone. He'll say I was crazy, or promiscuous, or a druggie, etc. He'd absolutely go against any type of wish I'd want.

No Dad, I was raped. Twice. And when I tried to tell you, you raised your hand, waving me away as if I were some disgusting creature. You tried to take me involuntary to the hospital. You kept my dog, the only being I lived for, for yourself. Or maybe you killed him? Like many of the pets who disappeared in my childhood. Where did they go? All the things I've ever loved, you shit on. After mom died, you told me a disgusting lie: that she tripped and that was how she broke her leg. You forget, "Dad" - we were there. You pushed her as she tried to flee, and ripped the phone from the wall when we tried calling 911. Mom's leg was broken to the point bone was visible/protruding.

I'll miss my sister so much, and my nieces and nephew. I miss my boy Oso, wherever he is. I've been missing him for over a year and I still cry. I cry now to think of him. I've kept a photo of him next to me every night and kiss him. I have a stuffed bear (Lotso from Toy Story whichever number) and when I hold the bear, I sob like I'm holding my dog. But, I open my eyes and he isn't here.

I'm so sorry, Oso. I failed you. I wasn't able to get you away, too.

I used to be scared, to take the SN, but I know my time is coming and I know I will be fooling myself if I stay. My heart is broken, shattered to pieces without my dog.

Very grateful for this site, and remember it before it was banned on Reddit. Thank you for all you do, SS.

x

V

Mods: if there's no activity from me after September, and I hope it's alright to ask, please delete my account.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through. I wish you a pain free existence in the next world.
Hugs and Love

 

[Rounded Agony]

I haven't come across your entires here in the short time I've been around but this made me well up. Such a heartbreaking tale, ugh. Despite your few messages here, you've clearly been suffering far too long if you were part of this community since its time on Reddit (which I've gathered to be sometime around early 2018...).

I hate how powerless most of us are to do anything positive, yet how powerful some are to inflict the negative. I want to console you, to give kind and reassuring words, to magically share the space and offer whatever comfort you need, but even if I could somehow do those things I know the hurt is certainly too deep for them alone to change things. So all I can do is say that I am "here" (wherever that is) for whatever time you still are, and wish you only the best in whatever is forthcoming for you. And to say I am sorry for this world.

 

[eve2004]

Hugs to you @vapauttaa

 

[wait.what]

And to say I am sorry for this world.

This, more than anything. Why do the predators, monsters, and bullies never seem inspired to ctb? They just ruin other people--helpless people, for preference--and once they finish crushing one victim to bloody jelly, they move on to the next.

I'm very sorry that this is the world we have, and that it has done this to you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Life is just too cruel, and to me it's sad how there's so much pain in the world. I wish you freedom from your suffering.

 

[vapauttaa]

I appreciate very much the messages of empathy and compassion. While I've lost the fear of my life ending, I've gained a sense of peace knowing this suffering will be over.

There is an end to it.

I had another account here and was moderately active, was planning my exit. I deleted that account, hence why this has few posts or activity. At times, I come here just to be with those who understand, and to you all, to this incredibly kind community, I know - you understand.

If anyone was wondering or wanted clarity: I'm diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. I grew up in a home with a high level of violence. I was the main target of my older brother (I am the youngest of 3). He tried to set me on fire in the driveway - fortunately I was able to put the flames out by pressing myself against our station wagon. The memory is seared in my head, in my brain, and yes, that is a sad pun indeed. He locked me in the bathroom one day - as soon as the door closed, I knew it was over. He had a lighter and a sharpie marker, and lit the marker on fire, marking me with black flaming ink; not the same as getting a tattoo, I can say that.

I remember scratching at my hands to get the ink off but it was burned into my skin. He dunked my head in the toilet, asking first if I knew what a "swirlie" was. I didn't know, but learned quick. When my brother abused me, his eyes seemed to change - friends later in life would see it, too.

My father and brother are very similar. My father tortures me psychologically most. When I had sought a brief refuge at his house, he removed the bedroom door from its hinges. He bolted the front door across with a piece of wood, and double locked the side door so it could only be opened from outside.

On reddit, I mentioned this and a kind person messaged me, letting me know what I described was false imprisonment. To that point, I didn't know there was a name for what went on at that house. I last spoke to my "father" a year ago, maybe a bit more. He angrily told me he didn't know what to do with "this fucking dog" and if he did anything to him, "I'd jump off a fucking bridge". His words. He ended it with "forget I fucking exist".

The last thing I said to him was, I love you. After that call, I crumbled. Fell apart. Wanted so badly to rescue my boy…ugh, yup - here I am, starting to sob.

My first escape from my "father" - when I told him I was moving out, he smashed just about every item he could in my bedroom, put all of it in garbage bags on the front yard.

He's told me I look like shit, and was enraged to discover I had an eating disorder, as he saw it as a waste of food.

I'll try to write a bit more when my day approaches - mainly, I want to thank all of the mods, my love to those who have already gone, my love to those of you here. It's the best gift I could give, and while it was worthless in my family*, I know it has an intrinsic value here.

*(my sister and I are close, miraculously, and I will miss her tremendously)

x

v

 

[Rounded Agony]

I appreciate very much the messages of empathy and compassion. While I've lost the fear of my life ending, I've gained a sense of peace knowing this suffering will be over.

There is an end to it.

I had another account here and was moderately active, was planning my exit. I deleted that account, hence why this has few posts or activity. At times, I come here just to be with those who understand, and to you all, to this incredibly kind community, I know - you understand.

If anyone was wondering or wanted clarity: I'm diagnosed with PTSD and MDD. I grew up in a home with a high level of violence. I was the main target of my older brother (I am the youngest of 3). He tried to set me on fire in the driveway - fortunately I was able to put the flames out by pressing myself against our station wagon. The memory is seared in my head, in my brain, and yes, that is a sad pun indeed. He locked me in the bathroom one day - as soon as the door closed, I knew it was over. He had a lighter and a sharpie marker, and lit the marker on fire, marking me with black flaming ink; not the same as getting a tattoo, I can say that.

I remember scratching at my hands to get the ink off but it was burned into my skin. He dunked my head in the toilet, asking first if I knew what a "swirlie" was. I didn't know, but learned quick. When my brother abused me, his eyes seemed to change - friends later in life would see it, too.

My father and brother are very similar. My father tortures me psychologically most. When I had sought a brief refuge at his house, he removed the bedroom door from its hinges. He bolted the front door across with a piece of wood, and double locked the side door so it could only be opened from outside.

On reddit, I mentioned this and a kind person messaged me, letting me know what I described was false imprisonment. To that point, I didn't know there was a name for what went on at that house. I last spoke to my "father" a year ago, maybe a bit more. He angrily told me he didn't know what to do with "this fucking dog" and if he did anything to him, "I'd jump off a fucking bridge". His words. He ended it with "forget I fucking exist".

The last thing I said to him was, I love you. After that call, I crumbled. Fell apart. Wanted so badly to rescue my boy…ugh, yup - here I am, starting to sob.

My first escape from my "father" - when I told him I was moving out, he smashed just about every item he could in my bedroom, put all of it in garbage bags on the front yard.

He's told me I look like shit, and was enraged to discover I had an eating disorder, as he saw it as a waste of food.

I'll try to write a bit more when my day approaches - mainly, I want to thank all of the mods, my love to those who have already gone, my love to those of you here. It's the best gift I could give, and while it was worthless in my family*, I know it has an intrinsic value here.

*(my sister and I are close, miraculously, and I will miss her tremendously)

x

v