Willitpass’ Residential Diary

[willitpass]

After 8 weeks inpatient I finally made it to residential a few days ago. My last chance at recovery. I decided I would start a thread here to chronicle my time here.

It's the weekend so I haven't had much real programming yet. I met my therapist but haven't had a session yet. I did have my intake with my psychiatrist and it went okay. I told him about the dizziness and passing out since starting the med and he still wasn't wanting to take me off of it. It isn't even helping so I'm frustrated that I've been telling the doctors about the dizziness and passing out for weeks now and no one is doing anything about it. It's a very interfering side effect for no benefit. I did just do a group where I was able to finally verbalize something that I've been aware of but struggling to find the words for: I have all of the coping skills and awareness of what's happening, but I don't have any self worth. If I don't have a desire to feel good, if I want to feel bad, if I don't believe I deserve peace and happiness, then no matter how many coping skills I know and how many groups I go to, no matter how much therapy I get, it won't matter if I hate myself. If I believe I deserve suffering then I will not get better. I just don't know how to care about myself.

 

[NoPoint2Life]

I think it's awesome that you moved to residential and made such a breakthrough today. It even says a lot how you are posting this in the recovery section. I hope everything goes well for you.

 

[willitpass]

Today was my first real day of programming and therapy since being here. It was incredibly draining and emotionally taxing. I made some good goals with my team for what we're going to work on and how we'll work on it, which was nice. But I'm just not having any hope that this is a long term fix. I cannot shake the feeling that I am still just delaying the inevitable. I am still convinced that I will still eventually CTB.

 

[CatLvr]

OMG!! I am so happy to see you back!! I sure hope these folks will treat you decently! And help you as much as you want them to! OMGosh!! This has made my evening!! Merry Christmas, sweetie!!

 

[willitpass]

I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I really admire you for trying all of this, even though it must feel so frustrating.

May I ask, what did they say when you said, you don't know how to care about yourself? Do you think you can get them to focus on that? Like you say- it seems like you have a firm grasp of the other stuff. You know when you're self sabotaging. You know the things you should be doing to stop yourself. Now- presumably- you need the will to want to stop yourself.

I'm no psychologist so- this is a guess. I imagine for a lot of people, there may be enough of a self presevation instinct or fear of pain that prevents them going too far- maybe. From what you've described previously with regards to severe prescription drug abuse (which I'm guessing run the very real risk of damaging major organs,) it does sound like you sincerely don't care or, you sincerely believe you deserve to suffer that much. Do they not address that side of it? Why you feel compelled to suffer and punish yourself? I would have thought that was important. Can you maybe ask them to try and work with you on that? To me- that sounds like the underlying problem. If you didn't have this compulsion to hurt yourself, you wouldn't even need to stop yourself doing it.

Regardless, I hope it does eventually work for you.

 

[nir]

I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.

It's interesting that they're commending you for being so self-aware. I recently saw a video from a therapist who talked about the double-edged sword of a patient who becomes too self-aware. Like most things, it's best in moderation.

I also struggle with being hyper-self-aware - I pick apart everything I feel as I'm feeling it. Lately when my brain starts racing to "make sense" of what I'm feeling, I've just been telling myself to shut up and let myself feel whatever I'm feeling without making it into a big thought project to mull over for way too long. I have to keep reminding myself that extreme self-reflection is just as bad as looking into an actual mirror for too long - if you look too hard for too much time, you're gonna start seeing shit that isn't there.

I think it's kinda a control thing - if I see my flaws, or my illness, or whatever before someone else does, it feels like I'm still leading my narrative. I think the more I learn to give up some of this control, maybe the better I'll start to feel? It can't be healthy for a human to always analyze themselves. We weren't built for that kind of constant self-critique. I think having to know everything behind our actions can be fruitless, but at the same time I still want to know it. I want to be correct, I want to be right, I don't want to ever be called out or not know why I'm feeling a certain way because not knowing is terrifying.

I dunno. This is word vomit. I feel you, is what I'm trying to say. And I'm really happy you're still here and trying, even though it's tough right now. I hope it gets better <3

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.

First off, I am glad to hear from you.

Oh yes, the "you're so insightful" thing....of course, as soon as you disagree slightly with what they are saying then suddenly your "insight" becomes impaired.

Anyone here who even followed your recountings of what you were going through could have told you the same things as these people are.

But I suggest you explicitly tell them that what they are constantly saying to you is not helping you and not getting at the crux of your problems. This is your last-ditch effort to seek treatment and it would be best to be completely explicit with them.

 

[willitpass]

I really admire you for trying all of this, even though it must feel so frustrating.

May I ask, what did they say when you said, you don't know how to care about yourself? Do you think you can get them to focus on that? Like you say- it seems like you have a firm grasp of the other stuff. You know when you're self sabotaging. You know the things you should be doing to stop yourself. Now- presumably- you need the will to want to stop yourself.

I'm no psychologist so- this is a guess. I imagine for a lot of people, there may be enough of a self presevation instinct or fear of pain that prevents them going too far- maybe. From what you've described previously with regards to severe prescription drug abuse (which I'm guessing run the very real risk of damaging major organs,) it does sound like you sincerely don't care or, you sincerely believe you deserve to suffer that much. Do they not address that side of it? Why you feel compelled to suffer and punish yourself? I would have thought that was important. Can you maybe ask them to try and work with you on that? To me- that sounds like the underlying problem. If you didn't have this compulsion to hurt yourself, you wouldn't even need to stop yourself doing it.

Regardless, I hope it does eventually work for you.

That is something that is a one of our primary goals to focus on. Whether or not we'll be successful in achieving that goal is to be determined. I struggle to believe we will. Which once against falls into the self-awareness issue. If I do not believe that it will happen, the odds of it happening are decreased, yet I don't know how to convince myself to believe it will work.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That is something that is a one of our primary goals to focus on. Whether or not we'll be successful in achieving that goal is to be determined. I struggle to believe we will. Which once against falls into the self-awareness issue. If I do not believe that it will happen, the odds of it happening are decreased, yet I don't know how to convince myself to believe it will work.

Convincing yourself via mental brute force to believe anything isn't going to work much much less for someone of your mental acuity. A mind like yours can't tolerate mental illusions. But I guess you can remain at least a little open-minded. I know you have endured so much "sanctuary trauma" which is a term I recently came across and wished I had earlier. So that will make it harder.

 

[willitpass]

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I've gained so much weight in the hospital. I'm disgusted with myself. I saw how I looked in the shower just now and spent a half hour sobbing over it. I can't stand myself in this body. I just want to die. I'm not strong enough. I can't do this.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I can't do this. I'm not strong enough. I've gained so much weight in the hospital. I'm disgusted with myself. I saw how I looked in the shower just now and spent a half hour sobbing over it. I can't stand myself in this body. I just want to die. I'm not strong enough. I can't do this.

I hope when you came back you were able to feel the concern and appreciation that many users here felt even more keenly than they already felt before your temporary absence. Appreciation for your most intimate essence, which is what you have bared here and that has nothing to do with your appearance since no one here obviously knows what you look like.

 

[willitpass]

Today is hard. To be spending the day in a hospital states away from anyone I love while having the ever lingering feeling that I may not be here for next Christmas. It's so hard. Last year I wasn't happy on Christmas, but I was home to give my family good memories. This year I have neither. If I do truly die this year, my family's last memories of the holidays will be me being in the hospital. The staff have tried to make the day as special as possible for us, and don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative, but nothing feels like Christmas. There is no magic in the air. Just guilt and sadness.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Today is hard. To be spending the day in a hospital states away from anyone I love while having the ever lingering feeling that I may not be here for next Christmas. It's so hard. Last year I wasn't happy on Christmas, but I was home to give my family good memories. This year I have neither. If I do truly die this year, my family's last memories of the holidays will be me being in the hospital. The staff have tried to make the day as special as possible for us, and don't get me wrong, I'm very appreciative, but nothing feels like Christmas. There is no magic in the air. Just guilt and sadness.

I can relate to and understand the circumstances you're in in terms of treatment. I spent key dates in a similar environment as well. Even if your family wishes you were with today today your family would probably prefer you be somewhere with more of a chance to get better long-term. I hope you can enjoy the day as much as possible.

 

[willitpass]

I'm so tired. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. Every way possible. I just don't see a way out on this earth no matter how hard I try.
I just want to be done. I'm not strong enough for this. No matter how I try to get better my mind has a way to one up me and I just can't lie to myself and tell myself I can do this. I'm too tired. I don't see any way where I can win. They heavily focus on not ruminating on negative thoughts here but I'm too tired to not ruminate. I'm too tired to constantly argue with myself. I'm too tired to challenge the thoughts every time they come, which is constant. I'm too tired to redirect myself every five minutes. And I know that not doing so is digging myself a deeper hole and a self fulfilling prophecy, but if it is then so be it. I'm tired.

My only wish is that when I die my family know how hard I fought to be with them. To be happy. How hard I tried my whole life to be able to give them my full life. And I'm so sorry that I don't have it in me. I'm so sorry to my dad and my siblings and my friends. I'm so fucking sorry. But I'm so fucking tired.

 

[fallingtopieces]

It's been said and brought up but worth repeating. I wish somehow you are able to try ketamine therapy. The disassociative affect it has can allow for an experience where you, for a time, can safely extricate yourself to all the ties/weight/problems/self-judgement that life, and existing befalls us. It is not a cure, but I believe it can give you the break you need from your mind, from yourself in a way that you haven't experienced before. I hope you and your support system find a way to get you the treatment.

 

[willitpass]

It's been said and brought up but worth repeating. I wish somehow you are able to try ketamine therapy. The disassociative affect it has can allow for an experience where you, for a time, can safely extricate yourself to all the ties/weight/problems/self-judgement that life, and existing befalls us. It is not a cure, but I believe it can give you the break you need from your mind, from yourself in a way that you haven't experienced before. I hope you and your support system find a way to get you the treatment.

I will be looking into it once I get out of here. We've looked around the country and have not found anywhere to do inpatient ketamine. Somehow I will have to get to a point where I can discharge without CTB to be able to get it.

 

[willitpass]

Getting help was a mistake. I shouldn't have come here. I'm requesting to be discharged. I just want to CTB.

 

[ceilng_tile]

Convincing yourself via mental brute force to believe anything isn't going to work much much less for someone of your mental acuity. A mind like yours can't tolerate mental illusions. But I guess you can remain at least a little open-minded. I know you have endured so much "sanctuary trauma" which is a term I recently came across and wished I had earlier. So that will make it harder.

The concept of "sanctuary trauma" is so real.

I feel so infuriated right now. I'm constantly being commended by my doctors and nurses and treatment team for being self aware. For knowing what is wrong with me because "that's such a valuable piece of information". For being so intelligent. I am so tired of people telling me that's a good thing. It feels like my biggest detriment. Yeah I know what's wrong. I know the cycles I get into. I know when I'm self sabotaging. I know I know I know I know so much. But what does it fucking matter? Because I also know all of the fucking coping skills. I know everything that's supposed to help me. I know what should stop these cycles. And it doesn't. I am self aware and can do nothing to stop it so I'm just stuck in these cycles and watching them play out without any way to stop them despite having every tool at my disposal that everyone claims should stop them. I'm so angry. I'm so stuck. I'm so tired. I just want to be done.

I don't understand how they can acknowledge that you're so self aware and intelligent and then still recommend conservatorship. If you're self aware, doesn't that mean you have legal capacity to make your own treatment decisions?

 

[willitpass]

I don't understand how they can acknowledge that you're so self aware and intelligent and then still recommend conservatorship. If you're self aware, doesn't that mean you have legal capacity to make your own treatment decisions?

Ah but here comes the "danger to self or others" loophole. Because I plan to kill myself I am obviously incapable of making my own decisions, because what rational person wouldn't want to spend their entire life battling never ending crippling mental illness that doesn't respond to treatment?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

The concept of "sanctuary trauma" is so real.

I don't understand how they can acknowledge that you're so self aware and intelligent and then still recommend conservatorship. If you're self aware, doesn't that mean you have legal capacity to make your own treatment decisions?

You're only insightful to a mental health professional till you disagree. Then it's distorted thinking.

 

[willitpass]

I got told today by a member of my treatment team that they were proud of me, they thought I was doing well, and I seemed really motivated because of how well I participate in treatment. I told that that my participation doesn't really mean anything. Prior to coming to the hospital I was working full time and in school full time making As well as doing hobbies. If my functionality were a marker of my mental health I never would have come to the hospital to begin with. This lead to a long conversation about how my mental health really hasn't improved at all and I have no hope. I told him about how I feel it's not right that people understand if someone with a chronic physical illness wants to die or we put our pets down who are suffering yet there is no amount of mental suffering that grants someone that same grace. He ultimately ended the conversation saying he doesn't know what the answers are for me. He said he wanted me to give him a week to try and come up with some things we can try. So fucked up someone needs a week to even think up some ideas.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I got told today by a member of my treatment team that they were proud of me, they thought I was doing well, and I seemed really motivated because of how well I participate in treatment. I told that that my participation doesn't really mean anything. Prior to coming to the hospital I was working full time and in school full time making As well as doing hobbies. If my functionality were a marker of my mental health I never would have come to the hospital to begin with. This lead to a long conversation about how my mental health really hasn't improved at all and I have no hope. I told him about how I feel it's not right that people understand if someone with a chronic physical illness wants to die or we put our pets down who are suffering yet there is no amount of mental suffering that grants someone that same grace. He ultimately ended the conversation saying he doesn't know what the answers are for me. He said he wanted me to give him a week to try and come up with some things we can try. So fucked up someone needs a week to even think up some ideas.

Curious what he might come up with…

Thanks for sharing this all with us still. You're brave for being in there. Also it's bullshit there's no inpatient ketamine. It's supposed to help suicidal people rapidly yet a huge portion of suicidal people who are seeking help can't even get it until they're not suicidal enough to be inpatient? Oy. I've been affected by this too. I just got out of the hospital and I could've benefitted from it there.

 

[willitpass]

Still feeling no improvement. My therapist mentioned that she's seen other patient go to outpatient ketamine appointments while here in residential so she's going to bring it up to the team this week. Not getting my hopes up, though, because nothing ever seems to work out with that.

 

[fallingtopieces]

Still feeling no improvement. My therapist mentioned that she's seen other patient go to outpatient ketamine appointments while here in residential so she's going to bring it up to the team this week. Not getting my hopes up, though, because nothing ever seems to work out with that.

Hope the team recognizes your interest in outpatient ketamine as something positive. If the initial response is no, do let your disappointment be felt. Maybe it could even change the rest of the experience in residential. Should things take a turn, nothing to lose by bringing it up again.

 

[willitpass]

I'm starting to run out of money. If I don't get out of here soon I will have to sell everything and give up my apartment. Then I'll be even more fucked. Suicide truly is the best option here. Even if I don't have to give those things up I'm still going to be going home with next to no money to my name.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I'm starting to run out of money. If I don't get out of here soon I will have to sell everything and give up my apartment. Then I'll be even more fucked. Suicide truly is the best option here. Even if I don't have to give those things up I'm still going to be going home with next to no money to my name.

Does the residential program offer any resources for this? If not, how can they pretend to be helping people if they hold them hostage and force them to go broke? Financial ruin is only going to make people more depressed and suicidal.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I'm starting to run out of money. If I don't get out of here soon I will have to sell everything and give up my apartment. Then I'll be even more fucked. Suicide truly is the best option here. Even if I don't have to give those things up I'm still going to be going home with next to no money to my name.

I am assuming you've already explored short term disability/FMLA through work? So you can have some income while you're gone?

 

[willitpass]

I am assuming you've already explored short term disability/FMLA through work? So you can have some income while you're gone?

I used up all of my FMLA. I'm now on unpaid leave. My job has limited paid leave.

 

[stilhavinightmares]

I used up all of my FMLA. I'm now on unpaid leave. My job has limited paid leave.

Fuck that shit, omfg. I'm so sorry.

How are you doing?