Will this community be able to decipher what shrinks weren't able to?

[Valso]

As I've mentioned before, the main reason I wanted to end myself, is a woman. Well, back then she was a girl cuz we both were younger than now. Even before I met her I wasn't an easy to open up person but after she broke my heart, I closed myself even more. Over time I became cynical and heartless. I developed my own method to not feel anything for anyone, to reduce everything down to sex only and to keep a stone cold face for anything, even when I'm seriously attracted to a woman. Basically, I taught myself how to be a robot.
In November last year a friend of mine suggested that I should visit a shrink to talk to about everything I feel. I visited a few in my hometown and told all of them that if they managed to decipher the image below what it means and why I made it the way it is, I'll tell them everything. It's not a joke, it's just meant to tell me who can see behind the obvious or who can read between the lines, so to speak. Because the person who can do that, will understand me and my pain. But in all of my 40 years I haven't met such a person. So either the shrinks are too dumb or I am an unbreakable enigma. Poor shrinks are still trying and keep failing at the task. I even threw at them an updated version of the image with a huge hint in it and they still fail to crack it. So I decided to post the two versions of the image here and see whether this community will be able to crack the answer. Cuz the "trained" shrinks apparently can't. The updated version of the image has text in it.
It would be quite funny if the community cracks what the shrinks can't!

 

[Scythe]

So you're missing half of you, I'm assuming it's due to the girl who broke your heart, I can't really tell if that's a sea or a lot of clouds. So there's two ways to interpret this for me, you feel half dead all the time, or you feel nothing all the time, as the picture is in shades of blue and depicts a flat plain. Or maybe it's both meanings. And the person in the picture stands looking forward so a desire to see the other side?

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Love the image! I'll take my guess even tho I definitely don't think it's right. But maybe thats it, it's right for you and only for you, why would it need to make sense for others? I know, you want to see they understand you so you can believe they'll be able to help you. but if you want help, why make it harder? I'm not judging at all, it's just something to ask yourself.

My interpretation:
It seems like you're not completely here. I would say a part of you lives in this world we see, but it's shallow and empty. You're always there. Nothing matters much. It's just it. The enormity of nothingness. It seems good, peaceful. I would like to spend some time there, although it seems so cold. Like in the movie when the character suddenly sees himself in a totally different place (but I would say you this place very well) and after the chock he realizes it's amazing, that place is everything (in the end he will discover it's an illusion) but then it gets cold. It's not good anymore, but he's still there, where else would he go? Them comes the numbness and even an appreciation of the immensity of nothingness (what again: it is actually something). Feels like a cycle where you live but are afraid. And in the end it's an illusion, you're only half there, which can great or terrible, but we're not there to see it. You're here, half here. Here is hell and there could but too, but it isn't, because it's not here.


But I'm so curious about your method! Would you mind to share it?

 

[foreverfalling]

You feel alone stuck in your own head with thoughts that only you know about and you desperately want to feel less alone, hoping someone can take the pain away, some angel that knows exactly how you feel who you can totally relax with.

Well I don't know if that's how you feel, but it's something similar to what I've gone through. I'd be sitting on the train, hoping someone would read my face and understand the pain I was going through. I'd post cryptic puzzles on the internet hoping someone would be able to solve it, as if they found the key to my heart.

Reality is no one can really fully understand anyone else. We are all alone and separate from each other. I kind of see the picture that way. Alone and cold, everything is meaningless, and it slowly kills you.

 

[Tesha]

You're hiding half of yourself from others. The person you show is internally feeling empty and dark. However you project a bright outlook externally. You desperately want to feel less alone. You can't see an end to your suffering.

 

[Argo]

Fun, ( because Rorschach test-like things can be fun, the point here being is we have almost nothing to really go by which is itself the only clue we have into your psychology, meaning pretty much all guesses that can be made will be baseless, will be projections, will be generalizations, etc.),

Do you feel... like you were cut in half down the middle? Maybe the other half was taken from you, or just died. That was the left part, the one with your heart in it. The more specific the guess the harder this is but I guess that's what I'll lock in. Wait we can do multiple guesses right? Is it just a "other half" cliche sort of thing, where "My other half is out there somewhere and I'm walking alone in the empty world with out her?" That can't be it, right? Yeah I'd probably lean towards the first guess.

 

[Valso]

So you're missing half of you, I'm assuming it's due to the girl who broke your heart, I can't really tell if that's a sea or a lot of clouds. So there's two ways to interpret this for me, you feel half dead all the time, or you feel nothing all the time, as the picture is in shades of blue and depicts a flat plain. Or maybe it's both meanings. And the person in the picture stands looking forward so a desire to see the other side?

It's a flat snow as far as the eye can see, meaning the world is sunny but cold and empty. You're pretty close on your assumption that I feel nothing but there's more to it. How should I put it... "despite the 7 billion people on this planet and despite having good friends, I feel completely alone in a cold and empty world".

Love the image! I'll take my guess even tho I definitely don't think it's right. But maybe thats it, it's right for you and only for you, why would it need to make sense for others? I know, you want to see they understand you so you can believe they'll be able to help you. but if you want help, why make it harder? I'm not judging at all, it's just something to ask yourself.

My interpretation:
It seems like you're not completely here. I would say a part of you lives in this world we see, but it's shallow and empty. You're always there. Nothing matters much. It's just it. The enormity of nothingness. It seems good, peaceful. I would like to spend some time there, although it seems so cold. Like in the movie when the character suddenly sees himself in a totally different place (but I would say you this place very well) and after the chock he realizes it's amazing, that place is everything (in the end he will discover it's an illusion) but then it gets cold. It's not good anymore, but he's still there, where else would he go? Them comes the numbness and even an appreciation of the immensity of nothingness (what again: it is actually something). Feels like a cycle where you live but are afraid. And in the end it's an illusion, you're only half there, which can great or terrible, but we're not there to see it. You're here, half here. Here is hell and there could but too, but it isn't, because it's not here.


But I'm so curious about your method! Would you mind to share it?

About the red part: because if they don't understand even half of how I feel, they'll simply judge. I'm not referring to you, don't worry. As I said earlier, it has always been hard for me to reveal all of my feelings about anything or anyone, even before I met that poisonous heartbreaker and it became even harder after her.
About your interpretation: IDK what movie you're talking about. The half human in the picture is how I feel - like half a human in the cold empty world I mentioned above in this post.

You're hiding half of yourself from others. The person you show is internally feeling empty and dark. However you project a bright outlook externally. You desperately want to feel less alone. You can't see an end to your suffering.

You're the closest of all. I'd say 8 of 10 close. I'm not hiding, at least not from everyone. But I've raised an invisible firewall to stop a certain part of humans getting too close bc too close means... vulnerability. And I don't like the idea of another woman knowing I can be vulnerable. But you're 100% right about one thing which I put in a dark meme (which is part of a PC game, btw):

Do you feel... like you were cut in half down the middle? Maybe the other half was taken from you, or just died. That was the left part, the one with your heart in it. The more specific the guess the harder this is but I guess that's what I'll lock in. Wait we can do multiple guesses right? Is it just a "other half" cliche sort of thing, where "My other half is out there somewhere and I'm walking alone in the empty world with out her?" That can't be it, right? Yeah I'd probably lean towards the first guess.

You could say that. I guess that's one way of saying "feeling like half human".

Well, seeing that the community did crack the meaning of that image, apprently here are more people who understand why I wanted to CTB than any shrink out there, so there's no point in visiting them, they're useless. So now I guess I could practice my talking to her. My best friend and his wife convinced me to call her to meet and tell her everything I have felt about her in the past 16 years. They said sharing that with her would help me move on. But who knows... There's only one way to find out which will happen in a week or two. Either it will help me move on, or the both of us will start WW3.

You can ignore that next paragraph, if you want. Or you can comment on it, I don't mind. I've never expected in my whole life I'd find myself in such a state and/or situation, so I really don't know what I'll be doing. At the very least, if anyone of you has gone through the same, they might have some insight on what I should tell her and what I shouldn't. I don't feel any shame for sharing this... this... "weight?" with all you cuz I don't think there's anything shameful in having feelings for a woman, including one you have history with. Plus I lost my shame around the same time I became a cynic. One thing is for sure though - I need to share it with someone or I'm gonna go nuclear at some point cuz my random access memory is running out. Plus someone once said sharing with strangers is easy. Sharing all of that with her - that's gonna be the hardest thing. Seriously - how am I supposed to pour my "soul" in front of her, considering she's the only reason for this disaster from which I could never move on and got stuck.

So... should I tell her she was my first true love? And after she quite literally destroyed me (yeah, I'm still walking and breathing but I'm more like some kind of a zombie than a human) there were others after her who helped losing my trust in women but she was the one who laid the basis. Given that most of my life girls kept repeating to me I was ugly (from kindergarden through high school; only in the university they didn't say it out loud but I wouldn't be surprised if they thought the same), she made me feel things I've never had before nor I thought possible - she made me feel truly liked and wanted. Considering on how many public places we had sex or fingering sessions, how could I feel any different with her? I even went through thick winter blizzards that blocked the entire public transportation just to see her and be with her, even for just 5 minutes. Unlike never before that I felt what it was like to be really happy. And then she destroyed all of that and killed me with just a few words in a text message. I felt like she had pulled out my heart and had it thrown in one of the machines Americans have in their kitchens - that you put different things in it and then this machine minces everything to a gruel. If you say my life stopped after that SMS, you wont be wrong. After that I became almost cruel and heartless towards women, started burying all of my feelings somewhere so deep in my mind that even I wouldn't be able to find them ever. I lost trust in women in general, I lost the ability to love... Hell, I even developed my own method not to fall in love ever again.

Which reminds me that someone above was asking about a method. I'm guessing they were asking what my anti-love method was. Well, it's not an easy thing to do, it takes practice, but if I succeeded I would save myself even more pain. So, when I feel I'm about to develop even minimum feelings, I take an effort and a step back and try to look at her through the eyes of a bystander who had just met her, looking for all kinds of red flags that would keep me away from her. And it usually works.
In the rare cases when that won't work, I ask 2 of my closest friends to take a look at her and tell me what they don't like. If their dislikes match with mine, that seals the verdict and I move on to the next fuck toy. I apologize to any girls/women here who feel offended by these words ("fuck toys") but that's what women were to me for a very long time. And quite frankly - still are.

That's it. Now I gotta figure out which part (or all of it?) to tell her.
At some point I was thinking about faking my own death and making her think I was dead as a revenge but that's too cruel and with my mixed feelings... At certain moments I hate her, at other moments I love her... I still have her phone number for 16 years in my contacts. I can't call her but I can't force myself to delete her number either...

There. If you have read that whole wall of text, now you know why I wanted to CTB. I haven't completely given up, though, just... postponed it for the moment. I wouldn't say sharing all this lifted any weight from me but I do feel just a little bit better to finally be able tell the whole thin to someone, even if that someone's a stranger.

If you're smart, you'll follow my advice from the following meme below. It makes life a lot easier:

 

[Ephemeron]

I guess the image has already been explained throughout this thread, but I wanted to say that your story is very similar to my own save a few details. I still think of this woman I fell in love with and married over 10 years later after she crushed me like a bug. I didn't end up fucking around with lots of women, but closed myself off from women almost entirely. I'm in a relationship now, but that's a whole other story, and she doesn't deserve a piece of shit like me who still isn't over the woman I once loved years ago (and still do). Sometimes I try to hate her, and there are many reasons I'd be justified in doing so. The way she kicked me to the curb was so brutal that I still haven't recovered. I often wish I never experienced love to begin with. Time does not heal all wounds.

Anyway, sorry about everything, Valso. As to whether you should tell her, I really don't know the situation. I'd say probably it'd make things worse for you, but I'm just speaking from what I know.

 

[Valso]

Anyway, sorry about everything, Valso. As to whether you should tell her, I really don't know the situation. I'd say probably it'd make things worse for you, but I'm just speaking from what I know.

Telling her won't make things worse. Seeing her in person again - that will most certainly make things worse bc it's quite possible my old feelings (before the hate) will return when I see her. But... there's only one way to find out what will happen and whether or not I'll be able to move on from her and that's seeing her in person and telling her all that. Which is the hardest part.

Even before I met her it wasn't easy sharing how I feel, let alone now. A few years before I met this special girl we're talking about here, I was with another. I didn't love her but I liked her a lot. She had told my best friend she intended to make me jealous in order to see if I have any feelings for her at all and he told her that was a very bad idea but she did it anyway. At the time I didn't know that, I put the puzzle together after he told me the details a few months later. We were out in a local cafѐ and the whole evening she was flirting with another guy in front of me. When my patience ran out, I stood up and went home. I called my best friend and told him we broke up. Ofc he knew I'd never tell him why or what happened (he's the only person on this planet who knows me even better than my parents do), so he called her to ask her what happened and why we broke up. Imagine her surprise when he told her that. So after that she calls me to ask how come we've broken up but she doesn't know anything about that. I told her she brought this upon herself and that if she wants something from that moment on, she should ask for it from the guy she was flirting with. I told her that if she wants us to remain friends, I'm OK with that and she agreed. I guess she didn't have much of a choice. Shortly after that all 3 of us (me, my best friend and her) met in that same cafѐ and she kept asking "why" and "what happened". I still remember that moment because the night after that was fun but you know - when you're having fun (or when you're in love), you remember everything. My BF said "I told you it was a bad idea but you didn't listen". She said she wanted to make jealous to see if I even loved her, so I told her that if she expected from me to make a scene, she's deeply mistaken. In my world flirting is almost the same as cheating, only without actually sleeping with that guy. She could have asked me if I loved her (which I didn't) and I would have told her bc I don't say those words unless I'm 100% sure of them.

This where the "half human" part comes in. I'm so much different than anyone else in everything, even in expressing feelings. One part of me is dead, the other part is half human which is sooooo different that nobody understands which makes me feel even more alone than usual. Yesterday I found this test (it was meant as a joke) on FB which determines which country you were meant to live in according to your zodiac. I don't believe in astrology any more than I believe in deities, so I never told them my zodiac, only that I needed another planet, not another country. My whole life I felt like an alien and I wouldn't be susprised if I am one.

 

[surroundedbydemons]

This is not what you were hoping to hear, but in case you decide to eventually:

Not everyone possesses the analytical skills required to decipher the illustration, just as not everyone can solve problems like those in the International Mathematical Olympiad. It doesn't mean they lack the desire to help, but rather they may lack the specific skills needed.

I understand that you are frustrated because people do not seem to understand you. However, the person you're seeking should ideally possess both intelligence and a similar mindset to yours to effectively decode your message and offer solutions.

Why limit your search to such narrow criteria?

 

[Valso]

Why limit your search to such narrow criteria?

Because people who don't understand judge. Or worse - laugh. If I'm going to... "undress my soul" (so to speak, cuz I don't believe in souls) in front of a stranger, even a shrink, I need to at least know that he or she understands what I went through and still am going through, more or less and all the emotions I got from that experience.
If your car breaks down, you'll take it to a professional mechanic who knows his stuff, right? You won't take it to an amateur who's never even heard of the word "crankshaft", let alone let him work on it. For the same reason I wanted a shrink* who would be able to understand me. Clearly such an "expert" doesn't exist. A few people in this forum cracked my "riddle" without much effort and the experts couldn't. That speaks a lot about the shrinks' expertise...

* I know Americans find this word bad to call a psychiatrist but that long word is one of the few that give me a headache until I write it properly - English isn't my first language and there are some words I'm still having a hard time to spell properly, so I use "shrink" bc it's easier to write it. Or the word "possibilities". I have an old habit, a muscle reflex to write it "possibilititties" because of the many i's in it. They often confuse me and the result is the first word on the top of my dirty mind.

 

[EyesOfNight]

Because people who don't understand judge. Or worse - laugh. If I'm going to... "undress my soul" (so to speak, cuz I don't believe in souls) in front of a stranger, even a shrink, I need to at least know that he or she understands what I went through and still am going through, more or less and all the emotions I got from that experience.

I like your way of testing the rapists. I like the idea of testing conartists in general but yours directly incorporates what they will have to work with. Very nice

 

[Valso]

I like your way of testing the rapists. I like the idea of testing conartists in general but yours directly incorporates what they will have to work with. Very nice

So I'm not the only one who noticed the funny thing about that specific word "therapist" - that it consists of two other, one of which is a crime. I had posted a topic about that but they deleted the topic.

As for the other thing - I've never heard about a fake shrink, so I wasn't thinking about that when I was testing them. But now that you mention it, I suppose my test could be used the way you said.
When you say a "con artist", the first thing that crosses my mind is a "faith healer".

 

[EyesOfNight]

So I'm not the only one who noticed the funny thing about that specific word "therapist" - that it consists of two other, one of which is a crime. I had posted a topic about that but they deleted the topic.

As for the other thing - I've never heard about a fake shrink, so I wasn't thinking about that when I was testing them. But now that you mention it, I suppose my test could be used the way you said.
When you say a "con artist", the first thing that crosses my mind is a "faith healer".

You're definitely not the only one. There have been multiple people online mentioning it and I've seen at least one other user mention it here.

I didn't really mean fake shrinks. It's always mentioned how you gotta find the right one for you. So instead of wasting a bunch of time you just test them to see if they can accommodate you in the right way.

I say con artist because that's what shrinks are to me. Sure, they got medical knowledge of symptoms, cause, etc. but in the end their goal is to trick you into being happy or at least a stable contributing member of society(that's how I see it anyways).

 

[DefinitelyReady]

As I've mentioned before, the main reason I wanted to end myself, is a woman. Well, back then she was a girl cuz we both were younger than now. Even before I met her I wasn't an easy to open up person but after she broke my heart, I closed myself even more. Over time I became cynical and heartless. I developed my own method to not feel anything for anyone, to reduce everything down to sex only and to keep a stone cold face for anything, even when I'm seriously attracted to a woman. Basically, I taught myself how to be a robot.
In November last year a friend of mine suggested that I should visit a shrink to talk to about everything I feel. I visited a few in my hometown and told all of them that if they managed to decipher the image below what it means and why I made it the way it is, I'll tell them everything. It's not a joke, it's just meant to tell me who can see behind the obvious or who can read between the lines, so to speak. Because the person who can do that, will understand me and my pain. But in all of my 40 years I haven't met such a person. So either the shrinks are too dumb or I am an unbreakable enigma. Poor shrinks are still trying and keep failing at the task. I even threw at them an updated version of the image with a huge hint in it and they still fail to crack it. So I decided to post the two versions of the image here and see whether this community will be able to crack the answer. Cuz the "trained" shrinks apparently can't. The updated version of the image has text in it.
It would be quite funny if the community cracks what the shrinks can't!

View attachment 135850 View attachment 135851

As I've mentioned before, the main reason I wanted to end myself, is a woman. Well, back then she was a girl cuz we both were younger than now. Even before I met her I wasn't an easy to open up person but after she broke my heart, I closed myself even more. Over time I became cynical and heartless. I developed my own method to not feel anything for anyone, to reduce everything down to sex only and to keep a stone cold face for anything, even when I'm seriously attracted to a woman. Basically, I taught myself how to be a robot.
In November last year a friend of mine suggested that I should visit a shrink to talk to about everything I feel. I visited a few in my hometown and told all of them that if they managed to decipher the image below what it means and why I made it the way it is, I'll tell them everything. It's not a joke, it's just meant to tell me who can see behind the obvious or who can read between the lines, so to speak. Because the person who can do that, will understand me and my pain. But in all of my 40 years I haven't met such a person. So either the shrinks are too dumb or I am an unbreakable enigma. Poor shrinks are still trying and keep failing at the task. I even threw at them an updated version of the image with a huge hint in it and they still fail to crack it. So I decided to post the two versions of the image here and see whether this community will be able to crack the answer. Cuz the "trained" shrinks apparently can't. The updated version of the image has text in it.
It would be quite funny if the community cracks what the shrinks can't!

View attachment 135850 View attachment 135851

I'm just going to go with that you've lost a piece of yourself. Obviously you're not whole anymore and waiting for that peace, calmness, and the insight that you had of yourself to come back. Sort of like waiting to be rescued. But how can you rescue or gain back what's gone? So that part (the "other half"/"missing piece") being the woman) of you that made you secure and fulfilled is missing. Feeling lost and with no control of yourself as you can't function without that other half and what it represented and allowed you to be able to do with your life. So nothing left really except a big whole, filled with emptiness and longing, for something that is gone, and not knowing how to continue with this version if yourself, and in a constant state of insecurity having no tools to move forward. Zombie-like. Autopilot. Partially paralyzed. That life is extremely lonely way to exist. In uncharted waters with no navigation. (I actually didnt think this was snow... until I read the comments after I went to edit my answer. I thought it was the vast see so far in sight that it touched the sky. See lol? It's not a fair depiction to show a person a pic and ask them to guess what you see. That's the whole point of art. It's subjective. I like to know my shit and prefer it to be at least a little relative. I think a lot of art is boring. A still of something is just a pause in the story. You need more context.)
So... not to be cheesy but, to quote the song Jar of Hearts, you've "... learned to live half alive..."

Am I hot or cold? You can pm if you'd rather.

P.S. lollol, the words you're looking for, are a "garbage disposal"

P.S.S. this whole line of questioning now makes it more biased now considering the last guy I was into, was "part british" or whatever so now I feel less empathetic lol. I'm sorry for my bigotry Fucking Mudbloods...

It's a flat snow as far as the eye can see, meaning the world is sunny but cold and empty. You're pretty close on your assumption that I feel nothing but there's more to it. How should I put it... "despite the 7 billion people on this planet and despite having good friends, I feel completely alone in a cold and empty world".


About the red part: because if they don't understand even half of how I feel, they'll simply judge. I'm not referring to you, don't worry. As I said earlier, it has always been hard for me to reveal all of my feelings about anything or anyone, even before I met that poisonous heartbreaker and it became even harder after her.
About your interpretation: IDK what movie you're talking about. The half human in the picture is how I feel - like half a human in the cold empty world I mentioned above in this post.


You're the closest of all. I'd say 8 of 10 close. I'm not hiding, at least not from everyone. But I've raised an invisible firewall to stop a certain part of humans getting too close bc too close means... vulnerability. And I don't like the idea of another woman knowing I can be vulnerable. But you're 100% right about one thing which I put in a dark meme (which is part of a PC game, btw):

View attachment 135909


You could say that. I guess that's one way of saying "feeling like half human".

Well, seeing that the community did crack the meaning of that image, apprently here are more people who understand why I wanted to CTB than any shrink out there, so there's no point in visiting them, they're useless. So now I guess I could practice my talking to her. My best friend and his wife convinced me to call her to meet and tell her everything I have felt about her in the past 16 years. They said sharing that with her would help me move on. But who knows... There's only one way to find out which will happen in a week or two. Either it will help me move on, or the both of us will start WW3.

You can ignore that next paragraph, if you want. Or you can comment on it, I don't mind. I've never expected in my whole life I'd find myself in such a state and/or situation, so I really don't know what I'll be doing. At the very least, if anyone of you has gone through the same, they might have some insight on what I should tell her and what I shouldn't. I don't feel any shame for sharing this... this... "weight?" with all you cuz I don't think there's anything shameful in having feelings for a woman, including one you have history with. Plus I lost my shame around the same time I became a cynic. One thing is for sure though - I need to share it with someone or I'm gonna go nuclear at some point cuz my random access memory is running out. Plus someone once said sharing with strangers is easy. Sharing all of that with her - that's gonna be the hardest thing. Seriously - how am I supposed to pour my "soul" in front of her, considering she's the only reason for this disaster from which I could never move on and got stuck.

So... should I tell her she was my first true love? And after she quite literally destroyed me (yeah, I'm still walking and breathing but I'm more like some kind of a zombie than a human) there were others after her who helped losing my trust in women but she was the one who laid the basis. Given that most of my life girls kept repeating to me I was ugly (from kindergarden through high school; only in the university they didn't say it out loud but I wouldn't be surprised if they thought the same), she made me feel things I've never had before nor I thought possible - she made me feel truly liked and wanted. Considering on how many public places we had sex or fingering sessions, how could I feel any different with her? I even went through thick winter blizzards that blocked the entire public transportation just to see her and be with her, even for just 5 minutes. Unlike never before that I felt what it was like to be really happy. And then she destroyed all of that and killed me with just a few words in a text message. I felt like she had pulled out my heart and had it thrown in one of the machines Americans have in their kitchens - that you put different things in it and then this machine minces everything to a gruel. If you say my life stopped after that SMS, you wont be wrong. After that I became almost cruel and heartless towards women, started burying all of my feelings somewhere so deep in my mind that even I wouldn't be able to find them ever. I lost trust in women in general, I lost the ability to love... Hell, I even developed my own method not to fall in love ever again.

Which reminds me that someone above was asking about a method. I'm guessing they were asking what my anti-love method was. Well, it's not an easy thing to do, it takes practice, but if I succeeded I would save myself even more pain. So, when I feel I'm about to develop even minimum feelings, I take an effort and a step back and try to look at her through the eyes of a bystander who had just met her, looking for all kinds of red flags that would keep me away from her. And it usually works.
In the rare cases when that won't work, I ask 2 of my closest friends to take a look at her and tell me what they don't like. If their dislikes match with mine, that seals the verdict and I move on to the next fuck toy. I apologize to any girls/women here who feel offended by these words ("fuck toys") but that's what women were to me for a very long time. And quite frankly - still are.

That's it. Now I gotta figure out which part (or all of it?) to tell her.
At some point I was thinking about faking my own death and making her think I was dead as a revenge but that's too cruel and with my mixed feelings... At certain moments I hate her, at other moments I love her... I still have her phone number for 16 years in my contacts. I can't call her but I can't force myself to delete her number either...

There. If you have read that whole wall of text, now you know why I wanted to CTB. I haven't completely given up, though, just... postponed it for the moment. I wouldn't say sharing all this lifted any weight from me but I do feel just a little bit better to finally be able tell the whole thin to someone, even if that someone's a stranger.

If you're smart, you'll follow my advice from the following meme below. It makes life a lot easier:

View attachment 135912

Okay so I've read most of this thread I think, before my original answer, and maybe it's my vision, or the fact that I'm an over analytical/critical thinker so simple shit that is clear to someone else, is not what I see. Probably because of my bullshit background but I don't ever expect the obvious. I suck at abstract art and find it dull tbh. Those elementary worksheets where you find the tree of whatever that is in plain site, I probably took forever to find it, or never did. On the contrary, give me a complicated worded or mathematical pattern and ask for the next word or number, no one else would have the right answer but I would. If I were more educated I would have the terms off the top of my head to explain this theoretical thinking. I even bother saying this because while I think most "counselors" who pose as therapists, have the minimal training, which is not near the qualification standard it should be... However, as one who has pretty much been shamed and blackmailed into speaking to a plethora of counselors. I find that you can't be faulted for not connecting with one and not another. They're supposed to be nonjudgemental (which is the opposite of what I need/want) and they may care, but it doesn't rake take away from the fact that it is a paid profession that they chose, so it is hard to be open and admit things to strangers who you don't even know if they like you or are counting down the minutes etc etc. I will say, this test is poor calculation of what they're trained in and I don't think it's a fair assessment as to if they could help you or not. I dont know if you know if this woman is in a relationship, single, or married, but I think better late than never. What would you want her to do if the situation were reversed? Yeah, say you did to her what she's done to you? I would think the you would want someone to fight for you, unless you were completely done with them. I have some suggestions, but I don't know if you'd be interested in hearing them or not, and you may have already spoken to her. I'm not caught up on the dates of this thread. By no means do I have experience with love, or getting over someone, they're just my critique. That's what I'm better at. It's not meant as a put down either which a lot of people are confused by. In one of my fav movies Love & Basketball, this college bball woman coach is always riding this new recruit girl who wants to be the pointguard, always on her ass for this or that. So when the coach tells the girl she's starting on point in the next game, the player looks baffled and shocked. She figured she was called into the office for another scolding. The coach stares at her and says frankly, "What!?!" The player stumbles and says, "It just seems like you're always riding me..." Like why would she get this chance if she's always being criticized? The coach huffs and sits back in her chair and gestures with an air of annoyance and says, "You think I'd go hoarse on a player with no potential?" It's kind of like that with guys, and my family, for me. And the coach also adds, "When I ignore you, then you worry." They both exchange a small smile. End scene. Anyway, totally not trying to be a dick, but I am super opposed for anyone to take their life over a woman or a guy. I get there are extraordinary emotions involved and it cause serious damage and hurt, but not at the cost of your life. I just don't believe someone should hold that much power over you, and a true partner wouldn't want that partner nor would they want you die because you couldn't live without them and/or the pain they've inflicted. Even if you never loved again. I still think there's a life worth living. Keep us updated on your choice.

 

[Valso]

I still think there's a life worth living. Keep us updated on your choice.

I don't think there is but I can't do it anyway. Here's why:

I don't think I can do it anymore

I mean, I can do it, if there's no other way but after tonight, it will be nothing short but selfish if I do it. Almost two months ago my best friend gifted me a backpack (I was planning to buy one anyway) but today I found that the store sellers have dropped the price tag inside the backpack...

sanctioned-suicide.net

Now I'm thinking of ways to exact my revenge on her, like making her think I did kill myself because of her, thus making her live with guilt for the rest of her life. The best part is she doesn't know any of my friends nor does she have their phone numbers, so if I send her a fake suicide note, she'll have to take my word for it to be true. Even if she calls me back to see if it's true, if I don't pick up the phone, she'll have no choice but to believe it.