Will things ever be the same?

[SomeEdgeLörd]

I loved her more than anything in this world, more than myself. Now I'm afraid I'll never be able to love someone like that again, because I don't know if anything will ever be like that. How terrified this makes me. I wake up in the morning shaking thinking about her, it takes me hours to sleep because I can't stop thinking about her. To tell you the truth, I'm trying to convince myself that this is all just Borderline talking louder, but even if that were the case it wouldn't make anything better, because it would mean that my purest, most sublime feeling was actually just a symptom of mental disease. I've never liked myself, in fact I'm one of only 3 people for whom I have a blind and visceral hatred. I don't care if I die tomorrow morning, I don't have the willpower to try to be better for myself. When I was with her I wanted to be the best person in the world, not for me, for her. The world wasn't gray with her, the days weren't torture, and I experienced happiness for the first time in many years. Pure, untainted happiness, which is very different from simple contentment. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I just didn't want it all to die with me.

 

[theboy]

you need therapy to resolve these relationship issues

 

[SomeEdgeLörd]

you need therapy to resolve these relationship issues

My therapist dropped me

 

[escape_from_hell]

It is grief. Grief is real when you had a real bond, even if it was one-sided.
Everyone's experience with relationships differs based on the nature of each relationship and their position in the human animal social hierarchy, and sometimes others will think you are just being whiney and should just go get more sex and relationships because it's easy for them OR more specifically they have a support network in their life of friends, family, etc.
It sucks, sad to say but if you are affected to this degree it won't be easy. Only thing I can recommend is just acknowledge it is grief, potentially as bad as suddenly losing an immediate family member depending on the connection. So accept it is grief to you, even if the other party is going on just fine (makes the grief worse) as your starting strategy to cope.
Another thing is, if you are working at a tryhard 9-5 slavejob, you would notice that you are expected to 'get the fuck over it, you had a week off' if a family member died even though this would never be said aloud, and its implication is very very subtle. Similarly, do not let someone set your own expectation on how long it should take to get over a relationship with "Bruh, we broke up two weeks ago I was so sad bruh like I even cried, but then I just hit the bars and go my D Sed and now I'm good bruh stop being so emo bruh." You lost something important to you and you gotta be realistic and acknowldge it was important vs. trying to minimize it. If downplaying it worked quickly then it was not so important to begin with even with highly intense negative emotions.

 

[theboy]

My therapist dropped me

found other

 

[SomeEdgeLörd]

It is grief. Grief is real when you had a real bond, even if it was one-sided.
Everyone's experience with relationships differs based on the nature of each relationship and their position in the human animal social hierarchy, and sometimes others will think you are just being whiney and should just go get more sex and relationships because it's easy for them OR more specifically they have a support network in their life of friends, family, etc.
It sucks, sad to say but if you are affected to this degree it won't be easy. Only thing I can recommend is just acknowledge it is grief, potentially as bad as suddenly losing an immediate family member depending on the connection. So accept it is grief to you, even if the other party is going on just fine (makes the grief worse) as your starting strategy to cope.
Another thing is, if you are working at a tryhard 9-5 slavejob, you would notice that you are expected to 'get the fuck over it, you had a week off' if a family member died even though this would never be said aloud, and its implication is very very subtle. Similarly, do not let someone set your own expectation on how long it should take to get over a relationship with "Bruh, we broke up two weeks ago I was so sad bruh like I even cried, but then I just hit the bars and go my D Sed and now I'm good bruh stop being so emo bruh." You lost something important to you and you gotta be realistic and acknowldge it was important vs. trying to minimize it. If downplaying it worked quickly then it was not so important to begin with even with highly intense negative emotions.

Nothing will ever be the same again tbh... but hey, just wanted to thank you for taking your time to write this. I really appreciate it.