Will the people I care about ever forgive me for CTB?

[Indecisivesandollar]

Guilt has kept me from going through with CTB several times. I feel like an ungrateful asshole for wanting to kill myself. I suffer from PTSD but I've been out of that environment for a long time, it feels like it's my fault for not being able to handle it. My mind feels like a prison. It doesn't matter how many times they tell me that they love me I can't feel it, I feel like a burden that needs to die. I hate myself. I don't want to leave them, but I don't know how to stay.

 

[Kurwenal]

I don't think anyone can answer that. Even your own loved ones can't answer that. Time will tell how they react to and process this.

I think all we can ever try to do is do our best to let them understand. Understand the pain and suffering we experience. That their reality is not our reality. It sounds like you don't want to hurt them. But in dying by our own hands, we do hurt those who care for us, and whom we care for in turn. It is a very unfortunate reality.

I don't want my family to be hurt by my death. I feel that I am hurting them by being alive, though. Perhaps it is similar for you. Guilt is awful. It can paralyse us.

All I can share is what I have done myself: I have tried to help my loved ones understand that I am in a prison of my own making, and that I do not want to hurt them. I am grateful for their love. I do not want them to blame themselves. I want them to heal. Perhaps these are things you would wish for your own loved ones.

I have things that I could write in my final words that would cause harm. There are things that those close to me have done that definitely helped to push me along the path before me. But I know for certain that I cannot put blame on others into my final words. These are your final testament. Spreading hate and sorrow is not the answer, as these can only fester. Let those who love you that you are grateful for their love, and let those whom you love know that you love them.

You are not ungrateful, and you are not weak, and it is not your fault. You had external events happen that changed you, that caused your PTSD. You are not to blame for what happened to you. And you are not to blame for the suffering within you.

Cherish those you love, and let them cherish you while you can. And if the time comes when you cannot cope any further and you see only one solution, you will have to accept that you cannot decide for anyone else how they will feel in the aftermath. You can only express your love for them while you can, and try to help them understand your pain.

I'm sorry for what has led you to this point. I hope, that whatever may happen, you find the peace you seek.

 

[CutePrincess]

I should be dead already but my mother is doing everything to help me and couldn't handle if I killed myself now. I try to hold for a year for her but I may break.

 

[FreeHer77]

I should be dead already but my mother is doing everything to help me and couldn't handle if I killed myself now. I try to hold for a year for her but I may break.

I've been trying to hold on for my father so I understand.