Story Will my thoughts end if I stopped caring for others ?

[Roro90]

I used to be a great person , smart , bright and have a great social network although my family was in continuous fights it didn't bother me back then
but this year i feel sick to my stomach i go to a really good college and it's hard to be accepted at my major and the students their are perfect while I have a bet of poor background I didn't really notice it until recently , my best friend since 3 years ago is also rich and our other friends of course except of me ..
I used to get along with her and people thought that we were sisters because of how much we were close together we used to be soulmates and I would've just talked out everything to her but recently i seem like burden to her , she is not in the mood to talk and if something is bothering her she wouldn't tell me although i love her and i care for her but i feel like my present isn't that important for her and when we are with others she feels better although she says she love me but i feel like she is bored and ashamed of me.
my family is staying here because of me and my father is always stating that he is depressed because of me and he is willing to go but I'm trapping him here and i feel so pressured to get high grades and pass i study medicine and it's so goddamn hard to pass and his words is putting 100x more pressure on me , it's pretty common in to fail in this school but for me i rather die than fail so my family don't stay longer here and hate me more .
I once asked my little sister what would you do if i was gone she said i will cry a little then i will move on . if i put it in other words i don't think I'm important to anyone and it's a bet sad i feel depressed because I'm burden to others but don't I deserve to live a fucking once for myself? I want to be selfish although i know I'm useless trash that nobody loves . I hate myself with all of my heart but i think it's dumb if i killed her so others can be relieved , although I still suffer a lot mentally... life is so complicated.

 

[HereToday]

First of all congratulations on getting into medicine. That's incredibly difficult so you must be extremely intelligent. It's hard work and stressful, especially when you have other things going on in life. If you're struggling talk to your teachers, I'm sure they'll help as they want their students to pass. If you can afford it get a tutor to help you, even if it's only 1 or 2 hours every other week.

You shouldn't worry about other people or how much money they have. In the end that means nothing. There will always be people better off than you, AND people worse off too. If you place importance on that stuff you'll drive yourself insane. You're still in college, leave the worrying about money for after you graduate. Also, you'll be a lot richer than most of society when you're a doctor.

As for the friend, you may have just grown apart. It happens, no matter how close you were before. I don't think you should worry about that too much. Surely you can make new friends in your class?

Your father blaming you for his depression is disgusting, I'm sorry. Why does he want to move so bad? If it's really that difficult for your family to wait until you finish, can you look into student loans and rent a room? That would solve some of your isolation issues too if you befriend your housemates. You'd also have less pressure/blame on yourself for 'forcing your family to stay'.
How old is your sister? It sounds like shes either not old enough to understand the seriousness of that question, or she was just being mean to you as siblings usually are.

If I were you I'd start by looking into counselling, even at college they usually have a counselling service. I haven't seen anything in this post that isn't solve-able. You have a bright future ahead of you, try to stay on that path and not let people throw you off. This is your life and your future, do what's right for you

 

[Secrets1]

I feel for you roro, please message me anytime if you feel the need. The medical education system is a mess with some backwards priorities. Check out the trailer for the documentary "do no harm". I have felt exactly what you are in regards to school, am maybe a couple years ahead if I'm reading into things correctly. Was preparing for the mcat recently until hit some bumps.

If you choose this route it needs to be for you and the people you hope to help. If just for show the 10 year process will likely be untenable or even worse, you'll come out the other side a subpar doc who's jaded by the system. You'll look back at this point and think of yourself as innocent now.

Plain and simple, your father's ego is not as important as your life or all those patients. He is placing an inappropriate burden on you. Not the other way around.

I've heard those words from my dad too, they fcuk with your head buts it's total nonsense. He is wanting you to live his dreams instead of your own. Not ok, not your burden to carry.

 

[MysticPerception]

In the wise words of my mother: "Sometimes you have to be selfish."
Seriously don't let what other people want drag you down personally it's not fair to yourself. Your father wants to move but he feels trapped because of you? Not your problem. You're doing what you need to do to succeed in your life. Worrying all the time about what other people want from you or how they view you is just going to tear you up inside. As for your friend, maybe opening up to her and telling her how you feel would help. People aren't mind readers unfortunately and have a lot of their own problems jumbling around in their head distracting them from seeing what's right in front of them. She might even be being distant to not burden you further with her problems, you never know. Either way hang in there and know that you don't have to stop caring about other people, you just need to care about yourself first and foremost sometimes.