(Sorry if there is this table above my text. I'm on mobile and I can't seem to get rid of it)
@autumnal. I've already been to 4 different therapists, and they've all been bad experiences that have only made me feel so much worse about myself and made me very distrustful towards people. Confiding in a stranger and then having them being rude or invalidate your feelings just makes anxiety over people much worse. I've been inpatient twice (same place), not my choice, and that didn't help either, and got told that it just didn't help me because I didn't let it help me or I didn't try hard enough or I went in there thinking it would fail, even though none of that is true and it's just that it (I don't know if it's the inpatient itself or just the place I went to) just wasn't a good fit for me. I've tried medication before but only for a short time before I decided I didn't want to. I don't think medication would be the fit for me. I have also had these things used against me by my immediate family. Told I was crazy and needed meds, a family member told police I had "mental issues" using a purposefully vague term instead of my actual diagnosis of depression to make me look bad in the police's eyes (My mental health had nothing to do with the police visit, so there was no reason in mentioning it. Trust when I say this person only mentioned it to turn police against me and try to convince them and myself that I was the issue because I was crazy.), have those relatives telling other relatives (Not my parents so it's not their business) about my mental health without my consent, have my sibling (Who I barely know as they are almost twice my age and doesn't live with me) guilt-trip me for not taking medication telling me "they were feeling bad before but now they feel even worse because of me" (Even though I didn't tell them and did not consent to them knowing) even though it's really not their place to say such a thing, been eavesdropped on by my parents at therapy, a parent used my consulling records against me screaming at me saying they would use my "attempts" (I have never attempted) against me to get me involuntarily committed because I was being aggressive while calling me crazy (This was not from a place of help, this was a threat), been shamed for talking to a consulor by my parents and instead of them being concerned they got angry and told me I shouldn't have said anything because they don't care and asked if I told them anything about my family because I can't make my family look bad, was told to KMS by my mother when I brought up being suicidal, was told I was blaming everyone else for my feelings... So yeah. My parents have a giant stigma even though they pretend they don't. Literally any treatment I have had has made my life worse. Every single time I have talked to someone, it somehow turned out bad, and I really can't keep doing that. I do not want any family members to know anything at all, if I were to get treatment. Maybe some day when my relatives are not involved in my life at all so that they can't weaponize it against me by doing all the things I just talked about, but I find it unlikely. I don't feel comfortable with therapy anymore, or any type of treatment really. I could only ever see myself being okay with online therapy in a form of texting using a fake name, but I don't even know if that'd be possible. I don't see getting over this anxiety as an option. But it may not be strong enough to prevent me CTBing anyway, the main thing keeping me from that is lack of a reliable method, not worry over other people talking about me. Sometimes I do push the anxiety aside and tell myself that if everyone from my school found out and talked about it, it would be okay because they already all dislike me and have said I'm a psycho. Thank you for the suggestion. I know you mean well, but treatment is not an option at this point.
@lostangel, wow, I'm surprised the school knew after that many years. I'd be okay with it being mentioned indirectly as long as no one knew it was me specifically.