Help Will my school I no longer attend know?

[fakenamehere]

Hi. I want to know if my former public school would be notified in the event that I CTB. I went to that school my whole life before transferring to online a little after last (2019-20, in my last year) school year started. I'm 18 if that makes any difference. I read a thread detailing the kind of investigations cops do after someone CTBs, to make sure it's not murder and someone else didn't illegally play a role (Cyberbullying etc) and I wonder if contacting my former school would be a part of this. For the investigation or just to make them aware. If so, would my school be required to say publicly that I, their former student, died? I stopped going there almost a year ago and my class has graduated now, but I still don't know. Does it make a difference if I move away from this area and do it then? (Which I was planning to do in the first place but kinda pointless if everyone will know anyway.) If I move, will they go and contact the neighbors I had before the move? If my former school will be notified and made to say publicly that I died, is there a time period of a certain amount of more months or years I can wait before I CTB to prevent this? Will any therapists I went to be notified and asked to make a statement? I told one where I keep my writings and I feel like that was very stupid of me and that she asked so that if I CTB she could tell police/family where it is. I would delete them before CTBing but I worry it would be recovered somehow.
Thanks for reading and if you reply.

 

[autumnal]

Hi. I want to know if my former public school would be notified in the event that I CTB. I went to that school my whole life before transferring to online a little after last (2019-20, in my last year) school year started. I'm 18 if that makes any difference. I read a thread detailing the kind of investigations cops do after someone CTBs, to make sure it's not murder and someone else didn't illegally play a role (Cyberbullying etc) and I wonder if contacting my former school would be a part of this. For the investigation or just to make them aware. If so, would my school be required to say publicly that I, their former student, died? I stopped going there almost a year ago and my class has graduated now, but I still don't know. Does it make a difference if I move away from this area and do it then? (Which I was planning to do in the first place but kinda pointless if everyone will know anyway.) If I move, will they go and contact the neighbors I had before the move? If my former school will be notified and made to say publicly that I died, is there a time period of a certain amount of more months or years I can wait before I CTB to prevent this? Will any therapists I went to be notified and asked to make a statement? I told one where I keep my writings and I feel like that was very stupid of me and that she asked so that if I CTB she could tell police/family where it is. I would delete them before CTBing but I worry it would be recovered somehow.
Thanks for reading and if you reply.

I think the more important question is why does it bother you whether those sources are questioned or notified?

If it is an anxiety about how you are perceived or how your reputation is viewed after your death, then unfortunately there is generally very little any of us can ever do about this. Coming to accept this reality, and becoming alright with it, is part of the journey towards a peaceful suicide. I gave this advice to another member in a thread you have seen:

You correctly identify these concerns as being due to anxiety over how others see you. You will need to let go of this fully in order to suicide. Some people also tend to want to control how they are seen or what happens after their suicide as a kind of attempt at partial immortality. This is ultimately a pointless mindset as well.​

That isn't to say that there might not be the occasional method to address one of the concerns you list and suppress information reaching that single particular source. Other members may suggest these. But ultimately, you will never stop the flow of information or investigation entirely, and becoming alright with that fact is a necessity.

 

[fakenamehere]

@autumnal, I want to CTB (partly) because I'm ashamed of my life and who I am, so for me to CTB and have people talking about me just goes against that reason. I made a big effort to be forgotten about, not speaking to people, no social media. For everyone to find out would undo all of my efforts to make them forget about me. A classmate of mine CTBed and to hear the things people said about it, assume why they did it, and know that an entire school sees them as "that kid who CTBed" is just painful to me. People knowing would call attention to anything bad they knew/heard about me. I know I wouldn't be there to hear it, but it wouldn't make sense for what would happen after my suicide to go directly against one of the reasons for it in my opinion, and it's just antithetical to my private life to have everyone knowing and gossiping about my death. I worked hard for privacy so I wouldn't want to have it ruined.


But I understand what you mean. Thank you for your reply. I know I can't really control anything after death. But how does one let go of anxiety over how others see them if this is a reason for being suicidal in the first place?

 

[autumnal]

@autumnal, I want to CTB (partly) because I'm ashamed of my life and who I am, so for me to CTB and have people talking about me just goes against that reason. I made a big effort to be forgotten about, not speaking to people, no social media. For everyone to find out would undo all of my efforts to make them forget about me. A classmate of mine CTBed and to hear the things people said about it, assume why they did it, and know that an entire school sees them as "that kid who CTBed" is just painful to me. People knowing would call attention to anything bad they knew/heard about me. I know I wouldn't be there to hear it, but it wouldn't make sense for what would happen after my suicide to go directly against one of the reasons for it in my opinion, and it's just antithetical to my private life to have everyone knowing and gossiping about my death. I worked hard for privacy so I wouldn't want to have it ruined.


But I understand what you mean. Thank you for your reply. I know I can't really control anything after death. But how does one let go of anxiety over how others see them if this is a reason for being suicidal in the first place?

Aah yes, that's the million dollar question. Perhaps try getting some more therapy, or trying a different therapist or therapeutic approach? Or have you tried medication? I note your young age, so perhaps you haven't yet tried enough things to fix this anxiety before resorting to suicide? Plus in your case, any relief gained will either give you reason to live, or will make your suicide easier to accomplish. So it's kind of win-win for you to try getting some more therapy or other forms of help.

 

[lostangel]

I don't think if they have to. But they most likely will use you as a person who ''was struggling mentally and committed suicide''.


There was a guy who attended my old school maybe 8 years ago. He committed suicide. He got mentioned by the ''well being'' teacher a few times. But they might mention it indirectly as in the principle will say over the intercom that ''it's important to reach out'' and that nonsense you know.

 

[fakenamehere]

(Sorry if there is this table above my text. I'm on mobile and I can't seem to get rid of it)
@autumnal. I've already been to 4 different therapists, and they've all been bad experiences that have only made me feel so much worse about myself and made me very distrustful towards people. Confiding in a stranger and then having them being rude or invalidate your feelings just makes anxiety over people much worse. I've been inpatient twice (same place), not my choice, and that didn't help either, and got told that it just didn't help me because I didn't let it help me or I didn't try hard enough or I went in there thinking it would fail, even though none of that is true and it's just that it (I don't know if it's the inpatient itself or just the place I went to) just wasn't a good fit for me. I've tried medication before but only for a short time before I decided I didn't want to. I don't think medication would be the fit for me. I have also had these things used against me by my immediate family. Told I was crazy and needed meds, a family member told police I had "mental issues" using a purposefully vague term instead of my actual diagnosis of depression to make me look bad in the police's eyes (My mental health had nothing to do with the police visit, so there was no reason in mentioning it. Trust when I say this person only mentioned it to turn police against me and try to convince them and myself that I was the issue because I was crazy.), have those relatives telling other relatives (Not my parents so it's not their business) about my mental health without my consent, have my sibling (Who I barely know as they are almost twice my age and doesn't live with me) guilt-trip me for not taking medication telling me "they were feeling bad before but now they feel even worse because of me" (Even though I didn't tell them and did not consent to them knowing) even though it's really not their place to say such a thing, been eavesdropped on by my parents at therapy, a parent used my consulling records against me screaming at me saying they would use my "attempts" (I have never attempted) against me to get me involuntarily committed because I was being aggressive while calling me crazy (This was not from a place of help, this was a threat), been shamed for talking to a consulor by my parents and instead of them being concerned they got angry and told me I shouldn't have said anything because they don't care and asked if I told them anything about my family because I can't make my family look bad, was told to KMS by my mother when I brought up being suicidal, was told I was blaming everyone else for my feelings... So yeah. My parents have a giant stigma even though they pretend they don't. Literally any treatment I have had has made my life worse. Every single time I have talked to someone, it somehow turned out bad, and I really can't keep doing that. I do not want any family members to know anything at all, if I were to get treatment. Maybe some day when my relatives are not involved in my life at all so that they can't weaponize it against me by doing all the things I just talked about, but I find it unlikely. I don't feel comfortable with therapy anymore, or any type of treatment really. I could only ever see myself being okay with online therapy in a form of texting using a fake name, but I don't even know if that'd be possible. I don't see getting over this anxiety as an option. But it may not be strong enough to prevent me CTBing anyway, the main thing keeping me from that is lack of a reliable method, not worry over other people talking about me. Sometimes I do push the anxiety aside and tell myself that if everyone from my school found out and talked about it, it would be okay because they already all dislike me and have said I'm a psycho. Thank you for the suggestion. I know you mean well, but treatment is not an option at this point.


@lostangel, wow, I'm surprised the school knew after that many years. I'd be okay with it being mentioned indirectly as long as no one knew it was me specifically.