I can't understand death emotionally. I can't seem to grasp it, but I do think I've made a sort of wary peace with it. I just thought it would be like having a full understanding of what to expect. I'm not sure why the fuck I thought that but I did. If i move closer to it, it may scare me too much and I might run away from it for a bit. I know eventually I'll return b/c that's just how it goes.
\\\\\\\\
What is there to say? I'm not sure why I feel the need to write this, but here we are.
I don't know how you've been, at all, for the last few years. One can only hope, but then that is a futile attempt at loving from afar is it not? Even if shit hit the fan I wouldn't know, nor could I have helped. But it's good form to hope for the best for blood. So I hope you've been well.
I didn't get exactly what I wanted when I initially left. That is likely clear and has been for a while. I did get some things along the way which I valued. I found a different form of acceptance in the few communities I transited through. I-don't think I found everything I wanted. For sure I was probably too idealistic in the beginning.
You both know I left to save a part of myself and in doing so I lost so many others throughout the years. I couldn't forget the feeling as each was ripped away from me. Dramatic, sure, but I'd already died. I lost too much of myself to even hope for positive change.
I couldn't ever truly connect with anyone after I left. It felt like I was in a sanitized room and could only see through a shitty, print-marked, plexi-glass window. Fuck.
This is the part were I feel an expectation in myself to say I'm sorry, but I don't think I really am. I don't regret leaving, I don't regret my efforts to find contentment, acceptance, joy, love, and so much more. I ended up with something that wasn't too bad. I just didn't have it in me anymore to keep it I think.
I won't accept all the blame for not reaching out, but I will take responsibility for my part. There was a path to strike some sort of balance to have a relationship with either of you. I chose not to take it. Thank you for being _____ for the first __. I owe you nothing else.
///
Strike me out in 48 plz <3
\\\\\\\\
What is there to say? I'm not sure why I feel the need to write this, but here we are.
I don't know how you've been, at all, for the last few years. One can only hope, but then that is a futile attempt at loving from afar is it not? Even if shit hit the fan I wouldn't know, nor could I have helped. But it's good form to hope for the best for blood. So I hope you've been well.
I didn't get exactly what I wanted when I initially left. That is likely clear and has been for a while. I did get some things along the way which I valued. I found a different form of acceptance in the few communities I transited through. I-don't think I found everything I wanted. For sure I was probably too idealistic in the beginning.
You both know I left to save a part of myself and in doing so I lost so many others throughout the years. I couldn't forget the feeling as each was ripped away from me. Dramatic, sure, but I'd already died. I lost too much of myself to even hope for positive change.
I couldn't ever truly connect with anyone after I left. It felt like I was in a sanitized room and could only see through a shitty, print-marked, plexi-glass window. Fuck.
This is the part were I feel an expectation in myself to say I'm sorry, but I don't think I really am. I don't regret leaving, I don't regret my efforts to find contentment, acceptance, joy, love, and so much more. I ended up with something that wasn't too bad. I just didn't have it in me anymore to keep it I think.
I won't accept all the blame for not reaching out, but I will take responsibility for my part. There was a path to strike some sort of balance to have a relationship with either of you. I chose not to take it. Thank you for being _____ for the first __. I owe you nothing else.
///
Strike me out in 48 plz <3
