Chuunibyou
ghost possessing this body
- Jun 11, 2025
- 29
this happened a very long time ago, but I've been ruminating on it again.
I'm thinking about my most serious suicide attempt. I was having the worst time of my life, and the only thing keeping me alive was the love of my life. I also thought I had a "family" through him: his parents, siblings, family friends, etc. I never had a loving family like that, so it was nice to feel like a part of one for once. but mostly I was just surviving because of him. I'm too broken to feel love or care towards most people, but have always been able to feel close to him. It wasn't his fault, but he was all I had.
when he left me, he went no contact with me almost instantly. I lost everything. there were a lot of practical reasons at the time why I needed to kill myself, but emotionally one of my biggest motivations was feeling like no one cared about me. the only person who really cared about me was him, and without him I had no one.
when I attempted, I disappeared for a few days. I don't know how long, but I usually guess around 4 or 5 days. when I failed and returned to my life, I looked like shit, and certainly had the sort of demeanor you would expect from someone who'd just come close to death. but no one seemed to even notice.
no one'd reached out to me while I was away. no one attempted to checked in on me. when I was back no one said anything about it to me, asked how I was, where I'd been, or if I was alright. I don't think anyone knew I'd been gone. I have to wonder how long it would've taken for someone to look for me had I succeeded. it could've been a long while. I was just not part of anyone's life anymore.
sometimes you see anti-suicide propaganda about people who thought they were alone and no one cared, but after attempting discovered they were actually loved. and so they regretted wanting to die, turned their life around, and appreciated what they had. well, that's not what it was like for me. when I tried to die because I thought no one cared, I was only proven right. anti-suicide propaganda has an incredibly heavy survivorship bias.
I'm thinking about my most serious suicide attempt. I was having the worst time of my life, and the only thing keeping me alive was the love of my life. I also thought I had a "family" through him: his parents, siblings, family friends, etc. I never had a loving family like that, so it was nice to feel like a part of one for once. but mostly I was just surviving because of him. I'm too broken to feel love or care towards most people, but have always been able to feel close to him. It wasn't his fault, but he was all I had.
when he left me, he went no contact with me almost instantly. I lost everything. there were a lot of practical reasons at the time why I needed to kill myself, but emotionally one of my biggest motivations was feeling like no one cared about me. the only person who really cared about me was him, and without him I had no one.
when I attempted, I disappeared for a few days. I don't know how long, but I usually guess around 4 or 5 days. when I failed and returned to my life, I looked like shit, and certainly had the sort of demeanor you would expect from someone who'd just come close to death. but no one seemed to even notice.
no one'd reached out to me while I was away. no one attempted to checked in on me. when I was back no one said anything about it to me, asked how I was, where I'd been, or if I was alright. I don't think anyone knew I'd been gone. I have to wonder how long it would've taken for someone to look for me had I succeeded. it could've been a long while. I was just not part of anyone's life anymore.
sometimes you see anti-suicide propaganda about people who thought they were alone and no one cared, but after attempting discovered they were actually loved. and so they regretted wanting to die, turned their life around, and appreciated what they had. well, that's not what it was like for me. when I tried to die because I thought no one cared, I was only proven right. anti-suicide propaganda has an incredibly heavy survivorship bias.
