I try so hard. I try so extremely hard to solve my problems. I try to escape rational suicide which awaits me in the future. The pressure I am doing to myself is unimaginable. I think healthy people don't get it how hard one can torture oneself with such a pressure. I could only cope with addictive mediation in order to relax. I am not an addict and I try to avoid becoming one. I have enough problems. But I think without it I would not be able to sleep and instead getting psychotic. I will soon try to live without it again.
Everything is so meaningless. The tears I (metaphorically) cry about every single mistake I make are so unnecessary. Why am I am doing this all to myself? At the end of my life I want to be able to honestly say that I really tried to solve my problems. And that I have tried everything which was possible.
Why am I feeling so empty, sad and abyssmal? In the last weeks and months I have not thought about whether there is any meaning in fighting this fight. I just did it without any hesitations. Now I am looking back and see I moved like 5 millimeter in the right direction but the abyss which haunts me keeps moving in the speed of light. It is like in Kafka's A little faible. There is no escape. Everything I do just lets me approach my unavoidable end more and more. It comes closer and closer despite my desperate attempts to run away. But by running in the one direction I just fall into another trap. It is so cynical.
I was surrounded by a lot of normies recently. I feel so abandonded to them. Not physically despite the fact I barely embraced anyone in the past years. I have emotional a way different state than most of them. They seem to be so careless and carefree. All I am doing is worrying. I feel like I belong to another species. I don't get why they are satisified with the way they live. Isn't this all just so meaningless and shallow. The fun part of life is way shorter than the pain one experiences.
Many people cope by doing drugs.(I count alcohol as one too.) Is this life that exhausting so that you cannot experience it when being full time sober? I feel alienated to many people in my life. The deepest conncetion I have is the one to my friends. But when I am around other normies I feel so alienated. It is like we live on different planets. I don't get how these people can cope with life without becoming suicidal.
I am so unhappy. My life is pretty shitty. But also when good things happen I am not really content. I just distract myself from my own unhappiness. I am doing this for a very long time now. It is so ridiculous. At the moment I really have the feeling no matter what will happen my suicidality will accompany me till I die. I am now suicidal for about a decade. This cannot go on for many more decades ...and it is very likely the worst thing is yet to come....I am pretty sure about that part. There is a clear development that this was only the foreplay.
I am so scared. I can't anymore. The unfair thing with life is it can become always even more worse. There is no real rock bottom. In the past I felt even worse. But the way I am feeling today is still torture. Why can't my life not simply be good? Why is there no painfree way of living. I only can decide between this and that torture. The horrible torturous option on the one side and on the other side this extremely painful other nightmare.
I am not sure if this is the beginning of a new severe depressive epsiode. Maybe I just need some sleep and time to relax. Thanks to everyone who has read this. Hugs :)
Everything is so meaningless. The tears I (metaphorically) cry about every single mistake I make are so unnecessary. Why am I am doing this all to myself? At the end of my life I want to be able to honestly say that I really tried to solve my problems. And that I have tried everything which was possible.
Why am I feeling so empty, sad and abyssmal? In the last weeks and months I have not thought about whether there is any meaning in fighting this fight. I just did it without any hesitations. Now I am looking back and see I moved like 5 millimeter in the right direction but the abyss which haunts me keeps moving in the speed of light. It is like in Kafka's A little faible. There is no escape. Everything I do just lets me approach my unavoidable end more and more. It comes closer and closer despite my desperate attempts to run away. But by running in the one direction I just fall into another trap. It is so cynical.
I was surrounded by a lot of normies recently. I feel so abandonded to them. Not physically despite the fact I barely embraced anyone in the past years. I have emotional a way different state than most of them. They seem to be so careless and carefree. All I am doing is worrying. I feel like I belong to another species. I don't get why they are satisified with the way they live. Isn't this all just so meaningless and shallow. The fun part of life is way shorter than the pain one experiences.
Many people cope by doing drugs.(I count alcohol as one too.) Is this life that exhausting so that you cannot experience it when being full time sober? I feel alienated to many people in my life. The deepest conncetion I have is the one to my friends. But when I am around other normies I feel so alienated. It is like we live on different planets. I don't get how these people can cope with life without becoming suicidal.
I am so unhappy. My life is pretty shitty. But also when good things happen I am not really content. I just distract myself from my own unhappiness. I am doing this for a very long time now. It is so ridiculous. At the moment I really have the feeling no matter what will happen my suicidality will accompany me till I die. I am now suicidal for about a decade. This cannot go on for many more decades ...and it is very likely the worst thing is yet to come....I am pretty sure about that part. There is a clear development that this was only the foreplay.
I am so scared. I can't anymore. The unfair thing with life is it can become always even more worse. There is no real rock bottom. In the past I felt even worse. But the way I am feeling today is still torture. Why can't my life not simply be good? Why is there no painfree way of living. I only can decide between this and that torture. The horrible torturous option on the one side and on the other side this extremely painful other nightmare.
I am not sure if this is the beginning of a new severe depressive epsiode. Maybe I just need some sleep and time to relax. Thanks to everyone who has read this. Hugs :)
