I don't know if there is anything worse than my life. But my belief is that if sufferings could be measured I am suffering more than anyone else in this forum or in this world. My suffering is this immeasurable.
When you reach to this extraordinary level of suffering you Will get a revelation that suicide at this stage is natural and instinctive . It is a biological response. It will be going against your natural instinct to try to live anymore. You will realise nobody including god can criticize you for it.
People May consider my suicide act as wrong or sin but I have realised that it is not sin at all. In fact criticizing or
aborting my suicide act by will be a sin. And helping me at this time to end my life is the most righteous thing to do for me. If any body want to truly help me they should help to die.
People die by jumping out of a window of a building caught in fire. they prefer to die by jumping than burning alive in the fire. Can you blame these people. Or did they commit sin for saving themselves from burning alive?
So when I am killing my self I am saving my self from the fire burning in me by jumping out of my life. With no consideration where i am landing. There is no time to think about that while i am in the fire.
But the good thing Is God is so compassionate to criticize Me or consider my act as sin. He will welcome you and me with love and compassion and relief.
I've been processing it in a similar way.
I would say, however, that we Christians should be honest about our choosing to commit suicide as an incorrect way to think (spiritually)
Suicide assumes that I am in control of my life and that God has no ability to affect or change the circumstances I'm living under that may have related to my decision.
It is most assuredly a sin. Comparing it to scenarios where people have no choice but to accept that they will die, such as choosing to leap out of a burning building, or choosing to fight as a soldier in a losing war, or choosing to push someone out of the way of a speeding car - wouldn't honestly represent the mentality of someone, who from a Christian perspective, wants to commit suicide.
Consider God. The One who gave you life and has authority over your soul. Weigh the reality that you are essentially delivering your naked soul to a God of Love, who also judges fairly. If you relax in the understanding of His Love, that is fine. But a Christian, such as myself, should accept that if I commit suicide, even though I have believed on Christ for the remission of my sins, (including suicide) I would still be potentially exposing myself to a God who sees fit to judge me righteously, in whichever way He chooses. Accept that even though you have believed in Jesus, this sin may result in a judgement of some kind. If you are willing to accept that, then I feel that you are most prepared if you choose to CTB.
Will you be saved? Yes.
Are you condemned? No.
Also, there is no such thing as an everlasting punishment. No sin will ever separate you from the Love of God. God can, however, cast a soul into outer darkness.
Will he do it do a soul that has believed in Christ as Lord? I say, his judgememt would declare if it is needed.
The outer darkness which is symbolized as the lake of fire, exists as a state of being in which a person will be tested and refined by God, so that that person would finally turn to God.
I'm saying that even Christians may be subjected to that judgement, depending on the quality of their faith and the sincerity in their hearts to God.
But you will be saved in the end. Every one will be.
All this being said, I understand what you mean. The circumstances of life, the suffering, joy... the vanity of it all, can make someone, especially a spiritual person, realize that it is better to leave this earthly life and surrender into the peace that God will finally give to a soul after death.
So, I'm not against your decision.