For me it probably will. Due to a new medication at the end of 2020 I had some hope for 2021. I was not super optimistic but I had some hope. One of my main problem is to find a way to get money. First I tried giving private teaching this even worked. But I did it only 3 hours a week. This nourished my hope.
I had 1000 job interviews it was super exhausting because I am a really bad liar and the pressure I have is unbelievable.
Finally I had a test piece. After one week I had to stop. It made insanely depressed and my performance was abyssmal. I left because I did not want to get fired (again). Then my therapists encouraged me to go to college once again. I told them I would become manic again but they said I have to try it. This little hope was the best time of the year. 3 months before the college started. Though this changed after one month. I was so excited that I developed severe sleeping disorder. A sign for a new manic episode. Since 3,5 months I am now in crisis mode, I need a lot of sleep medication every single night in order to sleep. It is very dangerous and I am really instable.
In the beginning from 2022 the exams will come I think I will collapse. If that happens I have to ctb. Even if I stop before that. My last hope is gone and I will give up. The illnesses have won. People tell me this illnsesses must not determine your life. But what shall I do??? I am extremely fragile. Espcially since I am in crisis mode. Many human interaction made manic lst week. No joke my bipolar self-help group made me manic. Meeting someone for lunch at college made me manic either. I am trapped and this is my prison.
I think 2022 will be worse. Maybe I can go to a clinic next year. The last 7 years I was 6 times in a clinic except 2021. Thank you German health care but tbh I would rather like to die.
I had 1000 job interviews it was super exhausting because I am a really bad liar and the pressure I have is unbelievable.
Finally I had a test piece. After one week I had to stop. It made insanely depressed and my performance was abyssmal. I left because I did not want to get fired (again). Then my therapists encouraged me to go to college once again. I told them I would become manic again but they said I have to try it. This little hope was the best time of the year. 3 months before the college started. Though this changed after one month. I was so excited that I developed severe sleeping disorder. A sign for a new manic episode. Since 3,5 months I am now in crisis mode, I need a lot of sleep medication every single night in order to sleep. It is very dangerous and I am really instable.
In the beginning from 2022 the exams will come I think I will collapse. If that happens I have to ctb. Even if I stop before that. My last hope is gone and I will give up. The illnesses have won. People tell me this illnsesses must not determine your life. But what shall I do??? I am extremely fragile. Espcially since I am in crisis mode. Many human interaction made manic lst week. No joke my bipolar self-help group made me manic. Meeting someone for lunch at college made me manic either. I am trapped and this is my prison.
I think 2022 will be worse. Maybe I can go to a clinic next year. The last 7 years I was 6 times in a clinic except 2021. Thank you German health care but tbh I would rather like to die.
If I actually make it to the end of 2022, I'll know for a matter-of-fact whether it's time to fully commit to CTB.
