Hello folks, new person here just wanting to chime in and share my story.
I'm 31 years old, no desire to live and nothing that I find enjoyment in. I've suffered with DID since I was very young, brought on from extreme physical and verbal bullying (not by family, I have hardworking and parents thankfully). The other kids at school never really understood why I was muttering to myself in corridors or even cared, as far as they were concerned I was an outsider and therefore the social beating stick (the irony being that they were right - the universe has a cruel sense of it). During this time my alters were really the only friends and connections I had till the later years where a few people gave me a chance and helped develop decent friendships. They're good people and I still thankfully have contact with nearly all of them, they never engaged my triggers and on the rare chance it happened they were able to look after me. My alter is what would be classified a defensive one so hitting others when he perceived a threat wasn't uncommon. Of course, the teachers just put it down to unruly behaviour, partly because awareness about mental health wasn't really known and partly because it's easier to explain away and hide under the rug from societies prying eyes.
The feeling of suicide has closely followed me throughout all those years, as the relations between me and my alters deteriorated. Trying to talk about these things when you have a fear of being locked up in a padded cell as a young age compiled those insecurities and I found myself experimenting with drink, drugs and whatever else I could get my hands on. Despite all of that though, I managed decent enough grades even though I screwed up A levels and ended up at university. Life was hard there away from the security network of close friends and family leading to a heavy period of prolonged depression and the general desire of hoping someone, anyone would kill me either accidentally or through provocation. Combined this wrecked my year at university and I suffered terrible bullying from others in the dorm who simply didn't care to understand the problems that I was facing. Ended up dropping out and switching to nicer university.
That's where I met her and where it all went wrong. Life in university was better, my grades started to improve, and I managed to get a functioning relationship going. She was kind, pretty and a genuinely sweet girl. Wanted to help people through psychological means and understand the issues people faced. When I told her everything that I'd gone through I half expected her to run for the hills, but it never happened. She stuck by me, told me how to face certain problems and showed me how to be a better person. I ended up getting her pregnant and she wanted to keep the child, we knew things would be hard and I agreed to drop out to support our family Being the smarter one and knowing how important her dream was, I felt it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, the stress of not being able to tell my parents (fear of the shame), money issues, the child and general issues were too much. I ended up switching regularly and my behaviour went from reckless to self-destructive. We lost the child due to miscarriage (caused by me, I know that) and then shortly afterwards I lost her in an accident. I'd ended the relationship to protect her from me and the others, if I hadn't done that, she would never have been at that place and would still be alive.
My mental illness and a drug driver destroyed the very reason I had to live and ripped away the future I wanted. There's no justice in this world and though I'm innocent in the eyes of this country, I want to pass on so that I can see them both, tell them how sorry I am and then pay for my crimes. The only reason I am still here is because in the times I've tried, each time I've switched and my alter has "saved" me. I am a personality that wants to die in a body that won't let me.
