Discussion Why you want to commit suicide?

[Exile]

Treatment-resistant depression on and off for 40 years; increasingly bad anxiety over a lifetime; BPD; worsening misophonia; physical symptoms from anxiety; chronic insomnia; have run out of options - I have tried so many different ways to improve my mental health.

 

[FaceOf]

Only now I realized who I am. From 15 I have panic attacks/ depression/anxiety/fears. From 17 I have been using antidepressants but they are not working anymore. Also I am addicted person and alcohol is with me most of the time. I understand that I am scared of life and scared of death. I don't want to suffer anymore. Now I don't take any pills, life looks terrible. 9 years of relationship with husband are overed, I am alone (I don't have kids, that makes everything more easier), soon I'll lose my job.. also I can't stay alone because I am scared to kill myself, but I need to CTB.. but how to CTB.. stupid life( I am crazy

 

[Redt2go]

I despise knowing that if I ctb everyone will assume it was because I also have bipolar disorder and they will think of my bus ride as confirming the stereotype of suicides being mentally ill.

Same :(

 

[Roberto]

I've heard here today.

I'm 19. I'm living in a country which almost fucked up, before my birth a doctor said "he is disabled so we must abort him" for making money from abortion. Thankfully, my mother saw another doctor and he told her truth. My father went to prison when I was 10. He will be never released. My mother was killed when I was 12 (The person who I only loved). I was get bullied like 4 years (after that, I beated most of them). My aunt tried to kill me, my uncle was beated me for fucking 10 bucks (our currency is not dollar btw), other uncle was treated me like shit. My grandfather humiliated me for 3 years (Every fucking day. I almost killed him for that). I even escaped from house three times. Third lasted a week. %90 of girls treated me like shit.

Believe me, I have millions of reasons to suicide but I didn't and won't. Because if I suicide, they will win and be happy. Why the fuck I let them to be happy? I will turn their life to hell by living a life which they can't and won't. They will envy me for that. They will be sorry for their actions about me. They will beg me for give some piece of my life. And I will be laugh to them.

I even thought buy a gun and kill all of them but their pain would be shortly and I'd have same fate with my father.

So that's my advice: Don't CTB, make them begging to God for CTB.

People adapts in many different ways to the situations like you commented. I don't see a correct way to confront them.

 

[Roberto]

i don't fit. i don't belong. i'm over-emotional. i love too severely because i never had any.

i wasn't meant for this world

I had those thoughts and feelings. Sorry. I'm also over emotional.
Now I am trapped in this world. I don't feel the freedom to do what I know I want to do. In part of two cats that I have that I don't know what to do with them. I'm prepared but I don't want any harm for the cats. Even to change their home is a difficult thing. They distract me from my thoughts if I'm not stressed.

 

[Ssrejisser]

I am at this point that my life doesn't matter anymore. I've had an accident that made me very different from other people and the way I was before. Somewhere I am just broken, and can't do normal things that others do. Can't talk to people, can't study, can't work, can't have a family. Can't exist. It's very weird that nature would allow a creature to be this way. It's very weird what I have. But I can't live to be normal, so there is no point in living. I am just scared to ctb, but I guess everyone is. Yet, I must do it, there is no point in continuing.

 

[Roberto]

Childhood trauma, debilitating mental illness, boredom. Nothing this life has to offer is enough for me to stick around. I'm trapped between a rock and a hard place. Just waiting for someone to engineer the insta-death button so I can go without a fuss!

I am at this point that my life doesn't matter anymore. I've had an accident that made me very different from other people and the way I was before. Somewhere I am just broken, and can't do normal things that others do. Can't talk to people, can't study, can't work, can't have a family. Can't exist. It's very weird that nature would allow a creature to be this way. It's very weird what I have. But I can't live to be normal, so there is no point in living. I am just scared to ctb, but I guess everyone is. Yet, I must do it, there is no point in continuing.

Sorry about you can't make a normal life. What happened in the accident? In which way you are different? If you can tell.

 

[Psilo]

I'm a social recluse for far too long, was never in a relationship, can't even look people in the eyes when I have to talk to them. I live in my own world basically, the worst part is that I don't have the will to try anymore. I have a passion, but I don't know if there's a chance for me to do it...

I live day by day, I don't care, I'm tired to the point I got lazy and I'll eventually kill myself someday, question is when...

But I'm a tough fuck, not physically, but healthwise. I'm almost sure I'm gonna die of old age, if I don't kill myself.

No fucking way this happens...

 

[Ssrejisser]

Sorry about you can't make a normal life. What happened in the accident? In which way you are different? If you can tell.

I call it accident but I don't really know what happened. All I know is that it was an ordinary day for me, and to paint the full picture I had some issues with my original family and my then fiance, issue being that they didn't get along, so I frequently found myself in a lot of stress over this. So one day I went to work as usual, and while at work I was listening to an audio book, and then in one moment I had this wave of overwhelm I guess, and something changed! Suddenly I was not myself anymore, I remember noticing it very clearly, that I am different now. Maybe I became insane? Maybe I literally lost my mind? I don't know how to describe it, how exactly I am different, because people think nothing is wrong with me, but there is, after that night in May, 2017. It's been almost 2 years that I lived like that, and it doesn't change, so it means it's a permanent change. It means I lost my life. I can continue living, but I don't experience life. So I decided to leave.
Sorry if this is confusing and doesn't make sense, or hard to believe that whatever caused it really did, but the fact stays such that I am not the same person anymore. Thank you for the kind words. Wish you best.

 

[Roberto]

I call it accident but I don't really know what happened. All I know is that it was an ordinary day for me, and to paint the full picture I had some issues with my original family and my then fiance, issue being that they didn't get along, so I frequently found myself in a lot of stress over this. So one day I went to work as usual, and while at work I was listening to an audio book, and then in one moment I had this wave of overwhelm I guess, and something changed! Suddenly I was not myself anymore, I remember noticing it very clearly, that I am different now. Maybe I became insane? Maybe I literally lost my mind? I don't know how to describe it, how exactly I am different, because people think nothing is wrong with me, but there is, after that night in May, 2017. It's been almost 2 years that I lived like that, and it doesn't change, so it means it's a permanent change. It means I lost my life. I can continue living, but I don't experience life. So I decided to leave.
Sorry if this is confusing and doesn't make sense, or hard to believe that whatever caused it really did, but the fact stays such that I am not the same person anymore. Thank you for the kind words. Wish you best.

I don't know much about the brain. I'm no psychologist but could it be some kind of depersonalization? Stress is a timebomb. It can make us damage. Stress made me loose my exwife, job, family and friends. Have you talked with a therapist? I am, for 10 years or so.

 

[Jiva]

I've heard here today.

I'm 19. I'm living in a country which almost fucked up, before my birth a doctor said "he is disabled so we must abort him" for making money from abortion. Thankfully, my mother saw another doctor and he told her truth. My father went to prison when I was 10. He will be never released. My mother was killed when I was 12 (The person who I only loved). I was get bullied like 4 years (after that, I beated most of them). My aunt tried to kill me, my uncle was beated me for fucking 10 bucks (our currency is not dollar btw), other uncle was treated me like shit. My grandfather humiliated me for 3 years (Every fucking day. I almost killed him for that). I even escaped from house three times. Third lasted a week. %90 of girls treated me like shit.

Believe me, I have millions of reasons to suicide but I didn't and won't. Because if I suicide, they will win and be happy. Why the fuck I let them to be happy? I will turn their life to hell by living a life which they can't and won't. They will envy me for that. They will be sorry for their actions about me. They will beg me for give some piece of my life. And I will be laugh to them.

I even thought buy a gun and kill all of them but their pain would be shortly and I'd have same fate with my father.

So that's my advice: Don't CTB, make them begging to God for CTB.

I envy you. You have strong reason live. I haven't. I am hopelessly ill and i have strong pains. For me the death is the one way forward.

 

[Moldova_3k]

For me, it is mainly for being Transgender. Ended up losing relationships with family/friends/jobs. The world still discriminates and past can and always be revealed. Like the only time family seems to care is if I survive a serious attempt (co method, partial hanging, benedryl OD) but after it nothing (feel it more they don't want to name brought through it or note read)

Even though on hrt, name/legal changes and some surgeries. It still feels fake. Like even though I identify and am living the gender I am in, I know within my body the chromosomes are wrong.

 

[Ssrejisser]

I don't know much about the brain. I'm no psychologist but could it be some kind of depersonalization? Stress is a timebomb. It can make us damage. Stress made me loose my exwife, job, family and friends. Have you talked with a therapist? I am, for 10 years or so.

I talked to therapists, and took medication. It all doesn't matter, because I think something is wrong on the physical level in my brain. Maybe from too much pressure something actually broke. I don't know... Maybe there is a professional that knows how the brain works and what could have gone wrong, but I have no hope of ever finding one.

 

[KatieW]

I talked to therapists, and took medication. It all doesn't matter, because I think something is wrong on the physical level in my brain. Maybe from too much pressure something actually broke. I don't know... Maybe there is a professional that knows how the brain works and what could have gone wrong, but I have no hope of ever finding one.

Some minds are born defective, as is my case, no whats and whys. For the irreparably broken dog or horse, of course, the vet is promptly summoned to quietly end it, while the damaged human must be prolonged as much as possible.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

I can answer this question very easily: I'm the wrong kind of human being. I think if you're the right kind of human being, even though so much of life is so very painful, you can find enough support and have enough good things happen to/for you that you perceive life as "good." But if you're too wrong--meaning you have too many things about you society doesn't like--you're likely screwed. Much more so if you've always had a lot of too-wrong things about you (as op. to them happening late in life or just being temporary).

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Due to anxiety issues I feel crippled in social interactions and in life... I don't know how to word it. I guess I'm just not looking forward to life. I hate waking up in the morning and seeing my ugly face in the morning.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

 

[BaconCheeseburger]

My brain says it's the right thing to do because no matter how 'okay' my life feels I know my mind will never be 100% at peace.

My childhood was okay but then teenage years, bullying and depression fucked it up and ever since then my life has been a series of fucked up decisions as a result of how I grew up.

Have never felt capable of living a successful life. Don't want this life in the first place.

 

[KatieW]

I can answer this question very easily: I'm the wrong kind of human being. I think if you're the right kind of human being, even though so much of life is so very painful, you can find enough support and have enough good things happen to/for you that you perceive life as "good." But if you're too wrong--meaning you have too many things about you society doesn't like--you're likely screwed. Much more so if you've always had a lot of too-wrong things about you (as op. to them happening late in life or just being temporary).

Care to quicklist the "good" and "bad" things? Just for my self-assessment. I trust your opinion.

 

[thesongbird]

Consciousness in unnecessary and has no worthwhile goal. I'm constantly concerned with how my every action can cause pain in someone else. Although I'm not completely sure how it came, I feel like I have a inability to have non-cognative empathy for others, my only friend can go on and on about their problems and I will feel completely nothing, then hate the fact that I felt nothing. I can be awarded while remaining neutral, my life can be threatened and ill remain emotionally neutral. Others might be able to see this, and it may be why i've been avoided like a disease my entire life, but even in the rare event that someone does attempt to spend effort on me, I wish they placed it on someone else as I know I am a deadend, they won't get satisfaction out of me. I am unsure about everything I do other than getting a college education, and spend as much time as I can studying. But even still, by these methods I could be on top, the highest of my class, and feel nothing.

 

[wanttodie]

disability, that also stops me working. all so and depression sick of life and living and want out

 

[Roberto]

I talked to therapists, and took medication. It all doesn't matter, because I think something is wrong on the physical level in my brain. Maybe from too much pressure something actually broke. I don't know... Maybe there is a professional that knows how the brain works and what could have gone wrong, but I have no hope of ever finding one.

Once I was told to know several therapists to try to find a solution. I think that's true. Many times we are misdiagnosed.
I don't want to seem to try to convince you about anything. I'm also without hope about anything. I have a life that no one would like to live.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Care to quicklist the "good" and "bad" things? Just for my self-assessment. I trust your opinion.

It's really compassionate of you to ask (one of the reasons this site means so much to me), but I'm too embarrassed. I used to belong to a suicide discussion group on Reddit. One day someone decided to do a Reddit video documentary about the suicidal--why we are the way we are. I was one of the first people he interviewed. It was hard to be that honest, but it didn't go over well... ...

Do you ever get the feeling you're too weird even for other suicidal people, that you're a natural human deterrent?

 

[KatieW]

It's really compassionate of you to ask (one of the reasons this site means so much to me), but I'm too embarrassed. I used to belong to a suicide discussion group on Reddit. One day someone decided to do a Reddit video documentary about the suicidal--why we are the way we are. I was one of the first people he interviewed. It was hard to be that honest, but it didn't go over well... ...

Do you ever get the feeling you're too weird even for other suicidal people, that you're a natural human deterrent?

Not really, but mental issues invariably set one apart as the family troublemaker, failure, leech, blacksheep or delinquent. Either this or condescending pity. Bye bye respect and dignity. Friends, the close community and society pick up on this too.

A frequent job quitter cum lunatic is not to be held in high regard.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Bye bye respect and dignity.

Yup. And the loss of those we depended on. I guess we're just too painful to know. All the more reason for society to embrace free choice where suicide is concerned.

 

[ClarityOfWill]

Hello folks, new person here just wanting to chime in and share my story.

I'm 31 years old, no desire to live and nothing that I find enjoyment in. I've suffered with DID since I was very young, brought on from extreme physical and verbal bullying (not by family, I have hardworking and parents thankfully). The other kids at school never really understood why I was muttering to myself in corridors or even cared, as far as they were concerned I was an outsider and therefore the social beating stick (the irony being that they were right - the universe has a cruel sense of it). During this time my alters were really the only friends and connections I had till the later years where a few people gave me a chance and helped develop decent friendships. They're good people and I still thankfully have contact with nearly all of them, they never engaged my triggers and on the rare chance it happened they were able to look after me. My alter is what would be classified a defensive one so hitting others when he perceived a threat wasn't uncommon. Of course, the teachers just put it down to unruly behaviour, partly because awareness about mental health wasn't really known and partly because it's easier to explain away and hide under the rug from societies prying eyes.

The feeling of suicide has closely followed me throughout all those years, as the relations between me and my alters deteriorated. Trying to talk about these things when you have a fear of being locked up in a padded cell as a young age compiled those insecurities and I found myself experimenting with drink, drugs and whatever else I could get my hands on. Despite all of that though, I managed decent enough grades even though I screwed up A levels and ended up at university. Life was hard there away from the security network of close friends and family leading to a heavy period of prolonged depression and the general desire of hoping someone, anyone would kill me either accidentally or through provocation. Combined this wrecked my year at university and I suffered terrible bullying from others in the dorm who simply didn't care to understand the problems that I was facing. Ended up dropping out and switching to nicer university.

That's where I met her and where it all went wrong. Life in university was better, my grades started to improve, and I managed to get a functioning relationship going. She was kind, pretty and a genuinely sweet girl. Wanted to help people through psychological means and understand the issues people faced. When I told her everything that I'd gone through I half expected her to run for the hills, but it never happened. She stuck by me, told me how to face certain problems and showed me how to be a better person. I ended up getting her pregnant and she wanted to keep the child, we knew things would be hard and I agreed to drop out to support our family Being the smarter one and knowing how important her dream was, I felt it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, the stress of not being able to tell my parents (fear of the shame), money issues, the child and general issues were too much. I ended up switching regularly and my behaviour went from reckless to self-destructive. We lost the child due to miscarriage (caused by me, I know that) and then shortly afterwards I lost her in an accident. I'd ended the relationship to protect her from me and the others, if I hadn't done that, she would never have been at that place and would still be alive.

My mental illness and a drug driver destroyed the very reason I had to live and ripped away the future I wanted. There's no justice in this world and though I'm innocent in the eyes of this country, I want to pass on so that I can see them both, tell them how sorry I am and then pay for my crimes. The only reason I am still here is because in the times I've tried, each time I've switched and my alter has "saved" me. I am a personality that wants to die in a body that won't let me.

 

[Roadkill]

I want to CTB because of my horrible fears of everything.. I'm 57 now, and I can see the future being very grim for me.. I don't have health issues yet, but I want to end it all before the inevitable happens

 

[Roberto]

I want to CTB because of my horrible fears of everything.. I'm 57 now, and I can see the future being very grim for me.. I don't have health issues yet, but I want to end it all before the inevitable happens

That were my thoughts. I also dont want to see die my parents. I'm 44.

 

[Pipe11]

I have lost all my dreams in life. I ruined everything.

 

[Fucking loving it]

I have been diagnosed with many mental health diagnosis. Also actively suicidal on and off for about 20 years.
My daughter passed away at age 10 from a rare genetic syndrome called MPS IIIA. This was 4 and a half years ago. I'm a shell of myself . If even that. Every day is devastating . Constant grief and fear of something happening to my son. If something should happen to him, I want to have the means to commit suicide immediately.
I can't adult anymore. I have to depend on everybody else. Collect for my disability. I isolate so much that I don't even come here anymore. I hate myself. In the mean time I'm getting more and more symptoms of my Eating disorder. That's the way I self harm now. I don't want to be hospitalized again. I will wind up in the psych ward for other extreme self-harm. So I slowly kill myself this way.
I guess. .... . What is even the point of anything.

 

[TheDarkness]

Autism and alienated relationship with this world.

I have an alienated relationship with this world as well it's actually pretty