Why won’t my mom call me?

[letmewalrus]

I was physically abused by my brother since 16 yrs old and my mom defended him. So then I became a troublemaker, I was an alcoholic. Started cutting. Dropped out of college. Whenever I wander around she always called me and telling me to go home. I rarely went home.

My dad died when I was 18. It hit me hard. Now I'm 20 with a job, I'm clean, working outside my house, living with my boyfriend. I now have an okay relationship with my mom but she still supports my brother (whom by the way beat me again this year and that made it the 4th time I've been attacked by him since I was 16). But lately now I noticed she never calls me anymore. I don't know why, I'm starting to miss being called by her to come home. Even if the home is full of trauma.

And if I did come home, I couldn't stop crying. It's too painful. Last time I was there I started cutting again. I felt so horrible. And plus my mom's starting to get health problems. It's fucking up my mental. There's no solution. This world isn't for me.
Please, if there's anybody that could console me and even give advice in this situation I'm gonna be very grateful. I just need someone to vent right now..

 

[Life_and_Death]

im not in the mental place for being of much help, but i hear you

 

[moshimoshi]

I'm so sorry you went through that abuse from your brother, that is beyond horrible It sounds like your mom is very toxic for you to be around. A mom is supposed to protect their child, not support their abuser. In my opinion it's much better for her not to be in your life, you deserve people who will love and support you. Let go of her, for it is not "home" she's calling you back to. A place like that isint a home in any stretch of the imagination. And remember you're not selfish for distancing yourself from people that hurt you, even if they're family. I hope you feel better very soon, I imagine you must be in so much pain

 

[lita-lassi]

im sorry to hear youre in such a position mentally and physically with your family. youre not alone given how much you associate home with trauma, maybe taking a step back isnt a bad thing, even if you miss your mother. having space to process the abuse from your brother and her defending him may be what you need in life, even if she is having health problems. i don't know the full scope of the situation but talking through some of the behavior with a counselor or therapist may help you navigate some of the internal struggle better. it speaks volumes that you recognize the value of your independence from them with your living situation and job. healing yourself matters and it is not mean to distance yourself from abusers and neglect

 

[Unreal_꒰ঌ♡໒꒱_Lover]

I know it might sound difficult but you need to cut ties or at least take a break from being around them in general to assess the situation, I too came from a broken home with tons of trauma and I found what best worked for me was to take a break. It's normal for you to feel guilty for not speaking with them or to try and emphasize with them even if they didn't have your best interest at heart it's part of being human, especially since she was your mother you still want to see her as your mother but remember a mother cares for you and protects you from any harm, my mother was a horrible person so growing up the only actual mother figure I had was my older sister. Remember to take care of yourself first even if means to fight back all the time