Why? Why can’t I just fucking do it?

[Oathkeeper]

I'm intoxicated. I came to my spot with vigor and energy. Why can't I just fucking make the leap? I tried so hard to work up the courage to just end it on my birthday. WHY? WHY CAN'T I JUST LEAP? 3 SECONDS. 3 SECONDS TO THE GROUND VS THE ENTIRETY OF MY DAILY SUFFERING, WHY? WHY AM I SO SCARED?! HOW DO PEOPLE GO THROUGH WITH IT?!

 

[sugarh1gh]

SI is tough, I feel you.

 

[world is unfair]

SI is tough, I feel you.

What is SI I am new

 

[JKFleck]

What is SI I am new

Survival Instinct

 

[divinemistress87]

Survival instincts are so engrained in us

 

[world is unfair]

Survival instincts are so engrained in us

Not me

 

[Oathkeeper]

God, GOD, fuck this shit, how fucking hammered do I have to be to fight past my body

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful and tiring what you go through, I certainly despise how it's so unnecessarily difficult to die, I wish that suicide is as straightforward as just choosing to never wake again. But anyway best wishes, I hope that you eventually find what you search for.

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

I'm extremely cowardly, and I relate to this a lot. I hate pain, I have terrible existential dread and fear, and have generally low willpower. The SI is just really strong. Too strong for me to do anything like jumping or using a gun.

 

[Ironborn]

You're fighting millions of years of evolution that is hard-wired into you to keep you alive
It's a hell of a thing to overcome, that's why the phrase "taking the easy way out" rustles my jimmies so much.
Don't sweat it friend, when I tried to drown myself I had a full bottle of whiskey in me, washed up on shore and I automatically went home, dragged myself through a briar patch and tore my hands and arms up good.
Haven't touched a drop since, when I do finally decide to ctb I'm going to be sober, in fact being sober has only increased my resolve to do it.

 

[theboy]

SI

 

[sundown12]

same here, i can't muster the courage to just fucking do it. i want to die so bad, i think about it all day every day, and i just want to feel at least 0,001% better.

 

[Dark Window]

Can I ask how far you are jumping? What height?

 

[Old]

I tried to go with drowning and I had methods to eliminate the pain completely but I couldn't do it. SI is absolutely insane. Hope you can find peace.

 

[UKscotty]

Because you are not ready yet.

Whilst we take a breath there is hope of recovery and our brains know this.

Be gentle on yourself, there is no rush.

 

[M48 Patton]

I'm probably going to loose my home, my partner, my dog, already lost my health both physically and mentally. Can't live without them, can't live with my messed up mind and body. Please let that be enough to let me do it.

Yet will I still just do nothing?

SI is powerful, we are heavily programmed and pre wired to survive. Both a curse and a blessing depending on who you ask I guess.

 

[phersper]

I tried to go with drowning and I had methods to eliminate the pain completely but I couldn't do it. SI is absolutely insane. Hope you can find peace.

That's what I'm planning on doing next month, may I ask you what did you do "to eliminate the pain"?
I, personally, plan on taking a lot of fent, oxy, benzo, sleeping pills and beta blockers and just go for a swim in the lake. I'm a good swimmer, I ll be able to swim pretty far before blacking out and (hopefully) peacefully drown.

 

[Marshy63]

I feel you I just wish my SI could completely go away when I want it to

 

[Sheisme]

Because you dont really want to do it.
Because youre not done.
If you have to be drunk to do it that says it all.
From someone who previously attempted (and failed as a family member intervened) when youre done there is no fear.
Instead of fighting to die, fight to live.

 

[YosemiteGrrl]

same here, i can't muster the courage to just fucking do it. i want to die so bad, i think about it all day every day, and i just want to feel at least 0,001% better.

I can definitely relate