I realized that I can't feel any personal connection with anyone anymore, and every year it gets worse. I used to feel like I connected with people and was understood but that was usually false and I got taken advantage of, especially my own family. Then a few times I became the one that broke trust.
Now I can't really feel trust for anyone or anything. I just see right through everything, which makes me feel slightly more protected but also lays bare how alone I really am. Yet, I can't really justify that I don't deserve it at this point.
I can no longer even muster up the motivation to try and learn skills or accomplish anything anymore because there's no longer any reward that even appeals to me anymore. I have a human need to be a part of a social group and have friends but I also know most people really suck (including myself) and I'm afraid to even try.
I feel like an alien that's just trying to avoid pain, not contributing anything of value or deriving any value from what I cost. Every year I see myself become more of an unlikable crank, and I can't stop it even when I try.