iloveduster
Member
- Jan 21, 2024
- 70
i haven't asked to be born. i genuinely can't continue living like this. i am doing absolutely nothing with my life and i've genuinely tried to see the light of living since ctb is so fucking hard with all the si stuff and just having no access to resources.
for context, i've been a pretty miserable kid, idk when and what happened but i've isolated myself from everyone, i was abused verbally and physically by my parents, bullied by kids, alienated by everyone, and i felt pretty disliked in general. high school rolled around and i've decided to change everything about me. i've started pretending i am not suicidal and i'm just a pretty happy person in general, always sarcastic, and shit. for a while it worked, it was all tucked away but i got a few friends, and even though suicide was the only thing on my mind for the longest time it felt like nobody could tell that i'm self-harming and have attempted many times. i started going to concerts because i thought music would give my life meaning. for a while it worked. my trauma, my bad social skills, and all the consequences for the hell i've been through were all tucked away.
it was all fine, but obviously happiness isn't for me and while i was fixing my social skills, i stopped trying in school. i didn't study for any exams or anything. in classes i just stared at the walls and shit, and i was barely passing, because my attendance was shit.
now my body is the aftermath of it all. i have a few people that tolerate the fake version of me, but the problem is it's all getting worse again. the urge to kill myself with no plans or anything is stronger than ever, because the problem is my room is a mess. there are literal bugs and everything is horrible. i am genuinely losing my mind every day and i feel so so weird talking to people. it all feels so wrong and i can't describe that feeling. it's as if my body has decided my attempt to ctb wasn't an attempt and i died ages ago. i am genuinely a nobody on this earth and i am in physical pain from the mental shit i created. i can't reach out for help because genuinely nobody gives a fuck about me like that and suicidal people are so looked down on. being mentally ill feels like nobody will ever trust you with anything, and we are born without any say into this world. like what the fuck am i supposed to do if i am a mistake who has no friends, no family who cares, no future, i am in pain, i am gonna be in the streets soon, and it feels wrong even trying to fix my life and my social skills… i genuinely have nothing and can't even die without the risk of becoming a vegetable and being the centre of attention in the worst way possible again. i don't want to get bullied again. i am already in pain. my body is telling me that i am not supposed to be here. i fucking need to die as soon as possible. i can't fucking sit here on this bed again praying that i won't wake up anymore. my body is fucking ruined already from all the disordered things i've done to it.
there is a chance i might just attempt with the painful and risky methods again soon because i can't keep running from this hell i built for myself. i already have no job and my entire body is hurting. i just wanna go.
i'm very sorry if anyone here read this, i know this makes no sense i am just losing my mind and i just didn't know what the fuck to do i have no one in my life to talk about this and i really need to ctb soon because i know the more i am alive the more everything will hurt. i haven't been happy since forever and i am already gonna be in the streets soon and i already sleep with bugs everywhere in my room and in my bed and it's all just so disgusting i have no fucking energy to even get up. i just wanna go away peacefully.
for context, i've been a pretty miserable kid, idk when and what happened but i've isolated myself from everyone, i was abused verbally and physically by my parents, bullied by kids, alienated by everyone, and i felt pretty disliked in general. high school rolled around and i've decided to change everything about me. i've started pretending i am not suicidal and i'm just a pretty happy person in general, always sarcastic, and shit. for a while it worked, it was all tucked away but i got a few friends, and even though suicide was the only thing on my mind for the longest time it felt like nobody could tell that i'm self-harming and have attempted many times. i started going to concerts because i thought music would give my life meaning. for a while it worked. my trauma, my bad social skills, and all the consequences for the hell i've been through were all tucked away.
it was all fine, but obviously happiness isn't for me and while i was fixing my social skills, i stopped trying in school. i didn't study for any exams or anything. in classes i just stared at the walls and shit, and i was barely passing, because my attendance was shit.
now my body is the aftermath of it all. i have a few people that tolerate the fake version of me, but the problem is it's all getting worse again. the urge to kill myself with no plans or anything is stronger than ever, because the problem is my room is a mess. there are literal bugs and everything is horrible. i am genuinely losing my mind every day and i feel so so weird talking to people. it all feels so wrong and i can't describe that feeling. it's as if my body has decided my attempt to ctb wasn't an attempt and i died ages ago. i am genuinely a nobody on this earth and i am in physical pain from the mental shit i created. i can't reach out for help because genuinely nobody gives a fuck about me like that and suicidal people are so looked down on. being mentally ill feels like nobody will ever trust you with anything, and we are born without any say into this world. like what the fuck am i supposed to do if i am a mistake who has no friends, no family who cares, no future, i am in pain, i am gonna be in the streets soon, and it feels wrong even trying to fix my life and my social skills… i genuinely have nothing and can't even die without the risk of becoming a vegetable and being the centre of attention in the worst way possible again. i don't want to get bullied again. i am already in pain. my body is telling me that i am not supposed to be here. i fucking need to die as soon as possible. i can't fucking sit here on this bed again praying that i won't wake up anymore. my body is fucking ruined already from all the disordered things i've done to it.
there is a chance i might just attempt with the painful and risky methods again soon because i can't keep running from this hell i built for myself. i already have no job and my entire body is hurting. i just wanna go.
i'm very sorry if anyone here read this, i know this makes no sense i am just losing my mind and i just didn't know what the fuck to do i have no one in my life to talk about this and i really need to ctb soon because i know the more i am alive the more everything will hurt. i haven't been happy since forever and i am already gonna be in the streets soon and i already sleep with bugs everywhere in my room and in my bed and it's all just so disgusting i have no fucking energy to even get up. i just wanna go away peacefully.
