Lonerzepam
O'lord! I Have My Doubts
- Sep 2, 2022
- 620
My fucking existence has become fucking unbearable. Piece for piece my life was destroyed by mental illness and psychiatry.
I was doomed from the day I was born.
OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar, inherited addictions, handycapped etc etc.
3 years ago I was just a stoner sometimes I did also ecstasy and psychedelics, occationally benzos and less common opiates. I was 18 by that time. But it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean I did alot of shit under the influence of alcohol and benzos but yeah I was just young and dumb. Anyway I just really was addicted to weed back then and MDMA I admit. But life was ok back then.
But I hated my dad i hate him and I hated living with him. I got an offer to be an apprentice as a programmer and I accepted it cuz I was very good at it and it was my chance to finally get away from my parents.
It was going good a few weeks as a programmer.
Then I made the worst mistake in my life.
I went to a psychiatrist for my OCD he prescribed me prozac and sertraline in way too high dosage. I even asked him if it was ok to smoke weed with them and he said it wasn't a problem.
Trusting this motherfucker was the worst mistake of my life. I developed hppd because of the combination of weed and SSRIs one of the worst conditions in life. It's complete invisible torture. Pseudohallucinations and shit which means visual snow, floaters, objects spinning and flying through the whole room.
Cuz of that I got very addicted to opiates and benzos to get temporary relief from this demonic illness.
I knew how to use the darknet that's where I always got my drugs from. So I just ordered everything to give me temporary relief from this shit oxycodone, morphine, heroin, diazepam, clonazepam, alprazolam ambien, you name it. At somepoint I got extremely psychotic from all this shit and I kept smoking anyways. I went to the psych ward atleast 10 times. I never was there before I touched those fucking psycho meds. Psychiatry just makes u a complete mess and then they basically got you in their control like heroin dealers and blame everything on you.
Idk how often I almost died because of benzo/opiate withdrawal cuz I always ran out and had to order new ones which sometimes came late or not at all cuz costums. At sometime i couldn't order anything from DN no more cuz I was on the polices watchlist. So i made a deal with a friend I could order benzos to a friend (girl) of him inturn of ordering some ketamine. She later became my girlfriend. I got the benzos "intime" before I was literally dying cuz of benzo/heroin withdrawal. But not a big deal I was already used to everyday being like that just living in survival mode. Then I got him the ketamine 99% pure rocks. I didnt really knew what ket was at that time just that it was a dissociative. Anyways I tried one line cuz I thought my condition couldn't get anyworse.
Then something unexpected happened.
My hppd completely went away from just that one line. It was a fucking miracle. I think this was the happiest day of my life. I already thought I had to ctb because of it but I got another chance to live. And it wasn't temporary like the benzos and opiates it was completely permanent it became my miracle drug and I thought I was completely healed. Unfortunetly I'm a dumbass and I started smoking weed again and other drugs which I regret so much till this day. At some point my hppd came back and ket wasnt working anymore but like I said it was my miracle drug and I did it over and over again cuz it was in my brain everytime that it will make hppd go away again but at some point it just made it worse. I spent like 5k for my ket addiction.
At some point I completely lost it (got paranoid schizophrenic) and more and more bipolar, my hppd was getting worse and worse and I got back to heroin benzos again. I was starting to get extreme bladder issues from all the ket cuz I was doing like 3 grams a day which is extremely much. At some point I didn't even knew what reality was like anymore.
I've sworn myself I'll never go back to the psychward again after I did ket the first time and it completely cured hppd. But I got back in like 5 times or so again and always asked for lamotrigine a medication which permanently makes the condition better but never got it. Shit those fucking arrogant pieces of shit doctors. Couldn't even read a 5 minute wikipedia article about hppd. They like many other doctors didnt even knew what it was and prescribed just random ass pills and SSRIs which caused it in the first place.
So they didn't gave it to me and I switched back to heroin and ketamine overdosed a couple times started hanging around with complete junkies cuz I was one myself at this point and I still blame psychiatry for it.
They all used me for money and drugs eventually and at some point I was waking up completely bleeding out of my nose everyday cuz of all the ket crystals, extreme bladder/stomache pain, couldn't smoke weed cuz hppd back to heroin fuck I got no more H left dope sick withdrawal after withdrawal back on it again after withdrawal just hell.
My family had given up on me at this point and I don't blame them tbh. Police became a daily problem. Money issues. Couldn't eat anymore at some point I just did ket and H and drank water all day I was just a complete zombie at that point my hppd was so bad that I overdosed sometimes impulsively trying ctb cuz desperation didn't knew what was real anymore just wanted complete dissociatan with H and Ket to escape all of this. My gf also had a fatal overdose at some point she nearly died but thank god survived. She was the only one being here for me at that time but I pushed her away idk why probly cuz I hate myself. At somepoint I had a OD from ecstasy, ketamine and heroin got to the hospital and sent me to a detox where I was for 2 weeks but my hppd was so extreme I knew I had to ctb it was just a matter of time.
That's why I didn't stay at the detox station cuz I wasn't just addicted to drugs a had a extreme neurological disorder at this point I couldn't even perform basic tasks or talk anymore then finally they put me on lamotrigine the medication I requested like 1 year ago before but never got prescribed for whatever reason fucking doctors man. Anyways I left the detox cuz I just wasn't able to do it cuz hppd and got back to ket H and X as soon as I left it I just wanted to feel anything nomore I just wanted to be extreme numb.
I always went on high roofs standing there not knowing if I could pretend myself from jumping my hppd was so bad it wasn't just extreme pseudohallucinations no more it was also like I was standing up down on my head all the time and someone was punching with a big hammer against my head 24/7 it felt that way like for 5 months. My grandma picked me up at some point and I lived with her. I couldn't do anything for myself anymore I couldn't even talk I got seizures like everyday still felt like someone 24/7 punched against my head, still schizophrenic hearing voices from deamons and satan telling me I should jump (my grandma lived in the 7th floor). And it wasn't even just my hppd.
I had chronic stomache issues, bladder damage everything was just painfull af I started mixing my Ativan with Alcohol just wanted to be numb but it made all just worse and worse. I lost my ability to read, speak, my face was twichting 24/7, I didn't wanted to take the pills cuz they hurt my stomache so much I couldn't even smoke CBD anymore cuz hppd I just wanted to jump. Idk if I am strong that I didn't jump or just a pussy and should have jumped and therefor just not having to deal with all that immense pain no more.
It was at this time that someone on reddit showed me this forum. So I tried to learn the SN method asap. At first I wasn't even understanding shit with all those code words like ctb, sn, n etc. But I got it at somepoint.
So I ordered sn asap and prepared the other things for it.
I also was taking my lamotrigine prescription like I shouldn't I was taking way more then I was prescribed cuz it was giving me relief from my hppd. But this is really a bad idea when it comes to anticonvulsants like lamotrigine. You can get painfull rashes all over your skin if you increase it to fast like I did but I was so desperate you feel me..You can develope SJS (Steven Jonsen Syndrom) a deadly disease with extreme painfull skin rashes I would advise you to not google it if you read that far probs thank you for reading.
The catch was that if you develope SJS from a medication like lamotrigine you have to stop taking it asap and you can never take it again. So I was in an impossible situation. Either die of SJS or HPPD. Atleast my SN arrived at that time. So I acted very impulsively ran away from my parents (I moved back to them from my grandma's at this day) cuz we also had a fight back home cuz I was stealing pills (Benzos) for my SN plan.
So I had already written a suicidenote left it on my desk ran outside on top of a park garage, took benzos, painkillers, smoked some CBD so I wouldn't throw up, prepared 2 glasses with like 4 teaspoons each and pointed the glass to my mouth. Couldn't do it. Wasted a bunch of SN. The next day I was going to a skin-doctor who was my uncle and he told me I didn't have SJS just a harmless rash. I felt very weird when he said this considering I almost killed myself yesterday cuz I thought I had SJS. It was a weird feeling a bit funny tbh.
But anyways that didn't change that much I still have severe HPPD, Chronic Pain, and I'm Traumatized af at this point. After this I additionally got a cold which made my symptoms 100x worse. God loves me. I take kratom for my daily pain, sometimes smoke cbd but always when I smoke cbd my hppd get's way worse cuz of the 0.2% thc it's just redicoules. So I get to chose less stomache pain more neurological pain or the other way around. So i don't smoke that much just abit which already is too much but I have no choice I can't stand this chronic stomache and bladder pain from all the drugs and cbd weed really helps with that. I hate the situation I'm in. Anyways nonetheless it got better considering 6 months ago and I really do anything I can to improve my situation.
I'm 6 months sober from everything, I eat a shit ton of vitamins, got 5 vitamin D injections as I crawaled to the doctor with my brother, I take dietary supplements, walk my dog, have a good sleep pattern, meditate, eat very healthy my mom cooks for me etc etc. I'm on disability for atleast 1 year btw.
Yesterday a psychologist was at my place for the first time for one hour. I just cried that whole hour telling her abit of my story. I'm just extremely traumatized like I was from vietnam. I'm not forced anymore to ctb by jumping or something. But I want to be gone so badly. I lost everything through hppd and it destroyed my life, my love, my job, my will to live...I can't even eat some chocolate without my visuals going crazy cuz of the sugar. Like how fun of a life is that. I walk around everyday in so much physical/mentally pain see all those happy people living their life and it just makes me so fucking sad and depressed. I only have 2 best friends anymore cut everyone else off. I wasted a bunch of SN but still have enough and always keep it next to me. I spent all day with alot of regret. I can't even really look at people anymore they scare me. I get panick attacks when there's a small crowd of people. Did I mention I'm 6 months sober? Yeah probly not until tomorrow I ordered me some ket again cuz I've been 6 months of it and I'm convinced it will help with my hppd condition again like it did before. I really hope it passes customs. Tired of labeling fake names and adresses on mailboxes. It just makes me paranoid. I'm so fucking tired and exhausted. I hope it arrives tomorrow cuz I really can't wait anymore. I just can ctb in peace if I tried everything to get better and that includes trying ket again. Even if it helps with hppd and will fuck my bladder again. Pain pain pain. But maybe it'll give me another perspective on life again.
The only things holding me back from ctb is trying ket again before, my sister (it would break her) and we just have a really strong bond to each other, and the fact that I didn't kms already earlier so all the efford of me getting better would be for nothing although my life is a cruel joke really and I don't really know how much better it has to get to be good enough for me. I could live with it if I could smoke CBD without consequences I guess. That's why I'm really looking forward to tomorrow hopefully it arrives I don't wanna go through that whole process again. If it doesn't work I still can increase my lamotrigine although I'm on a very high dose already (400mg is max, I'm on 500mg) but my doctor said we can eventually increase it.
Yeah idk what else to say i think the lesson here is don't trust suits. And I really try my best here. I still don't know what I try for but maybe the ket will give me some answers I have a good feeling concerning that. Anyways thanks guys I'm really glad to be a part of this community. Idk where else I could possibly share this.
I really hope your life didn't turned out as bad as mine. Nobody deserves this. I know you guys won't judge me although I do it everyday myself. Thanks!
I was doomed from the day I was born.
OCD, schizophrenia, bipolar, inherited addictions, handycapped etc etc.
3 years ago I was just a stoner sometimes I did also ecstasy and psychedelics, occationally benzos and less common opiates. I was 18 by that time. But it wasn't that big of a deal. I mean I did alot of shit under the influence of alcohol and benzos but yeah I was just young and dumb. Anyway I just really was addicted to weed back then and MDMA I admit. But life was ok back then.
But I hated my dad i hate him and I hated living with him. I got an offer to be an apprentice as a programmer and I accepted it cuz I was very good at it and it was my chance to finally get away from my parents.
It was going good a few weeks as a programmer.
Then I made the worst mistake in my life.
I went to a psychiatrist for my OCD he prescribed me prozac and sertraline in way too high dosage. I even asked him if it was ok to smoke weed with them and he said it wasn't a problem.
Trusting this motherfucker was the worst mistake of my life. I developed hppd because of the combination of weed and SSRIs one of the worst conditions in life. It's complete invisible torture. Pseudohallucinations and shit which means visual snow, floaters, objects spinning and flying through the whole room.
Cuz of that I got very addicted to opiates and benzos to get temporary relief from this demonic illness.
I knew how to use the darknet that's where I always got my drugs from. So I just ordered everything to give me temporary relief from this shit oxycodone, morphine, heroin, diazepam, clonazepam, alprazolam ambien, you name it. At somepoint I got extremely psychotic from all this shit and I kept smoking anyways. I went to the psych ward atleast 10 times. I never was there before I touched those fucking psycho meds. Psychiatry just makes u a complete mess and then they basically got you in their control like heroin dealers and blame everything on you.
Idk how often I almost died because of benzo/opiate withdrawal cuz I always ran out and had to order new ones which sometimes came late or not at all cuz costums. At sometime i couldn't order anything from DN no more cuz I was on the polices watchlist. So i made a deal with a friend I could order benzos to a friend (girl) of him inturn of ordering some ketamine. She later became my girlfriend. I got the benzos "intime" before I was literally dying cuz of benzo/heroin withdrawal. But not a big deal I was already used to everyday being like that just living in survival mode. Then I got him the ketamine 99% pure rocks. I didnt really knew what ket was at that time just that it was a dissociative. Anyways I tried one line cuz I thought my condition couldn't get anyworse.
Then something unexpected happened.
My hppd completely went away from just that one line. It was a fucking miracle. I think this was the happiest day of my life. I already thought I had to ctb because of it but I got another chance to live. And it wasn't temporary like the benzos and opiates it was completely permanent it became my miracle drug and I thought I was completely healed. Unfortunetly I'm a dumbass and I started smoking weed again and other drugs which I regret so much till this day. At some point my hppd came back and ket wasnt working anymore but like I said it was my miracle drug and I did it over and over again cuz it was in my brain everytime that it will make hppd go away again but at some point it just made it worse. I spent like 5k for my ket addiction.
At some point I completely lost it (got paranoid schizophrenic) and more and more bipolar, my hppd was getting worse and worse and I got back to heroin benzos again. I was starting to get extreme bladder issues from all the ket cuz I was doing like 3 grams a day which is extremely much. At some point I didn't even knew what reality was like anymore.
I've sworn myself I'll never go back to the psychward again after I did ket the first time and it completely cured hppd. But I got back in like 5 times or so again and always asked for lamotrigine a medication which permanently makes the condition better but never got it. Shit those fucking arrogant pieces of shit doctors. Couldn't even read a 5 minute wikipedia article about hppd. They like many other doctors didnt even knew what it was and prescribed just random ass pills and SSRIs which caused it in the first place.
So they didn't gave it to me and I switched back to heroin and ketamine overdosed a couple times started hanging around with complete junkies cuz I was one myself at this point and I still blame psychiatry for it.
They all used me for money and drugs eventually and at some point I was waking up completely bleeding out of my nose everyday cuz of all the ket crystals, extreme bladder/stomache pain, couldn't smoke weed cuz hppd back to heroin fuck I got no more H left dope sick withdrawal after withdrawal back on it again after withdrawal just hell.
My family had given up on me at this point and I don't blame them tbh. Police became a daily problem. Money issues. Couldn't eat anymore at some point I just did ket and H and drank water all day I was just a complete zombie at that point my hppd was so bad that I overdosed sometimes impulsively trying ctb cuz desperation didn't knew what was real anymore just wanted complete dissociatan with H and Ket to escape all of this. My gf also had a fatal overdose at some point she nearly died but thank god survived. She was the only one being here for me at that time but I pushed her away idk why probly cuz I hate myself. At somepoint I had a OD from ecstasy, ketamine and heroin got to the hospital and sent me to a detox where I was for 2 weeks but my hppd was so extreme I knew I had to ctb it was just a matter of time.
That's why I didn't stay at the detox station cuz I wasn't just addicted to drugs a had a extreme neurological disorder at this point I couldn't even perform basic tasks or talk anymore then finally they put me on lamotrigine the medication I requested like 1 year ago before but never got prescribed for whatever reason fucking doctors man. Anyways I left the detox cuz I just wasn't able to do it cuz hppd and got back to ket H and X as soon as I left it I just wanted to feel anything nomore I just wanted to be extreme numb.
I always went on high roofs standing there not knowing if I could pretend myself from jumping my hppd was so bad it wasn't just extreme pseudohallucinations no more it was also like I was standing up down on my head all the time and someone was punching with a big hammer against my head 24/7 it felt that way like for 5 months. My grandma picked me up at some point and I lived with her. I couldn't do anything for myself anymore I couldn't even talk I got seizures like everyday still felt like someone 24/7 punched against my head, still schizophrenic hearing voices from deamons and satan telling me I should jump (my grandma lived in the 7th floor). And it wasn't even just my hppd.
I had chronic stomache issues, bladder damage everything was just painfull af I started mixing my Ativan with Alcohol just wanted to be numb but it made all just worse and worse. I lost my ability to read, speak, my face was twichting 24/7, I didn't wanted to take the pills cuz they hurt my stomache so much I couldn't even smoke CBD anymore cuz hppd I just wanted to jump. Idk if I am strong that I didn't jump or just a pussy and should have jumped and therefor just not having to deal with all that immense pain no more.
It was at this time that someone on reddit showed me this forum. So I tried to learn the SN method asap. At first I wasn't even understanding shit with all those code words like ctb, sn, n etc. But I got it at somepoint.
So I ordered sn asap and prepared the other things for it.
I also was taking my lamotrigine prescription like I shouldn't I was taking way more then I was prescribed cuz it was giving me relief from my hppd. But this is really a bad idea when it comes to anticonvulsants like lamotrigine. You can get painfull rashes all over your skin if you increase it to fast like I did but I was so desperate you feel me..You can develope SJS (Steven Jonsen Syndrom) a deadly disease with extreme painfull skin rashes I would advise you to not google it if you read that far probs thank you for reading.
The catch was that if you develope SJS from a medication like lamotrigine you have to stop taking it asap and you can never take it again. So I was in an impossible situation. Either die of SJS or HPPD. Atleast my SN arrived at that time. So I acted very impulsively ran away from my parents (I moved back to them from my grandma's at this day) cuz we also had a fight back home cuz I was stealing pills (Benzos) for my SN plan.
So I had already written a suicidenote left it on my desk ran outside on top of a park garage, took benzos, painkillers, smoked some CBD so I wouldn't throw up, prepared 2 glasses with like 4 teaspoons each and pointed the glass to my mouth. Couldn't do it. Wasted a bunch of SN. The next day I was going to a skin-doctor who was my uncle and he told me I didn't have SJS just a harmless rash. I felt very weird when he said this considering I almost killed myself yesterday cuz I thought I had SJS. It was a weird feeling a bit funny tbh.
But anyways that didn't change that much I still have severe HPPD, Chronic Pain, and I'm Traumatized af at this point. After this I additionally got a cold which made my symptoms 100x worse. God loves me. I take kratom for my daily pain, sometimes smoke cbd but always when I smoke cbd my hppd get's way worse cuz of the 0.2% thc it's just redicoules. So I get to chose less stomache pain more neurological pain or the other way around. So i don't smoke that much just abit which already is too much but I have no choice I can't stand this chronic stomache and bladder pain from all the drugs and cbd weed really helps with that. I hate the situation I'm in. Anyways nonetheless it got better considering 6 months ago and I really do anything I can to improve my situation.
I'm 6 months sober from everything, I eat a shit ton of vitamins, got 5 vitamin D injections as I crawaled to the doctor with my brother, I take dietary supplements, walk my dog, have a good sleep pattern, meditate, eat very healthy my mom cooks for me etc etc. I'm on disability for atleast 1 year btw.
Yesterday a psychologist was at my place for the first time for one hour. I just cried that whole hour telling her abit of my story. I'm just extremely traumatized like I was from vietnam. I'm not forced anymore to ctb by jumping or something. But I want to be gone so badly. I lost everything through hppd and it destroyed my life, my love, my job, my will to live...I can't even eat some chocolate without my visuals going crazy cuz of the sugar. Like how fun of a life is that. I walk around everyday in so much physical/mentally pain see all those happy people living their life and it just makes me so fucking sad and depressed. I only have 2 best friends anymore cut everyone else off. I wasted a bunch of SN but still have enough and always keep it next to me. I spent all day with alot of regret. I can't even really look at people anymore they scare me. I get panick attacks when there's a small crowd of people. Did I mention I'm 6 months sober? Yeah probly not until tomorrow I ordered me some ket again cuz I've been 6 months of it and I'm convinced it will help with my hppd condition again like it did before. I really hope it passes customs. Tired of labeling fake names and adresses on mailboxes. It just makes me paranoid. I'm so fucking tired and exhausted. I hope it arrives tomorrow cuz I really can't wait anymore. I just can ctb in peace if I tried everything to get better and that includes trying ket again. Even if it helps with hppd and will fuck my bladder again. Pain pain pain. But maybe it'll give me another perspective on life again.
The only things holding me back from ctb is trying ket again before, my sister (it would break her) and we just have a really strong bond to each other, and the fact that I didn't kms already earlier so all the efford of me getting better would be for nothing although my life is a cruel joke really and I don't really know how much better it has to get to be good enough for me. I could live with it if I could smoke CBD without consequences I guess. That's why I'm really looking forward to tomorrow hopefully it arrives I don't wanna go through that whole process again. If it doesn't work I still can increase my lamotrigine although I'm on a very high dose already (400mg is max, I'm on 500mg) but my doctor said we can eventually increase it.
Yeah idk what else to say i think the lesson here is don't trust suits. And I really try my best here. I still don't know what I try for but maybe the ket will give me some answers I have a good feeling concerning that. Anyways thanks guys I'm really glad to be a part of this community. Idk where else I could possibly share this.
I really hope your life didn't turned out as bad as mine. Nobody deserves this. I know you guys won't judge me although I do it everyday myself. Thanks!
