Venting Why should I have to live?

[Life_and_Death]

Everything feels physically wrong. I'm not really dissociated anymore (thank God that was horrific) but I am detached. Nothing is right. Nothing feels normal. I'm just going through the motions of what's suppose to be. It's like there's 2 parts of me. The part that everyone sees then the part inside that feels physically uncomfortable with every aspect of living right down to showering eating and sleeping. I can't explain it all I know is I don't like it and I can't see anything changing it. At least nothing has yet. No emotions, no drugs. It doesn't matter. Happy. Sad. Weed. Booze. Antipsychotic. I'm just always physically uncomfortable. And nothing I do seems to matter.

Yesterday afternoon I randomly cried 3-4 times. I lost count. Then to fall asleep I suffocated myself. I don't do it often but it helps to sleep. (to clarify I didn't suffocate myself suffocate myself but I pulled the blanket over my head and let the O2 change to CO2, not something I'd advise but it's not dangerous. After you fall asleep your subcouncious removes the blanket so it's fine)

 

[justanotherstar]

I hear you, I'm sorry you are suffering so much. You shouldn't have to endure the pain. I have few words, none to make it better but sending hugs

 

[Life_and_Death]

I hear you, I'm sorry you are suffering so much. You shouldn't have to endure the pain. I have few words, none to make it better but sending hugs

It's cool. Just a vent . I have been feeling this way for so long and all my memories feel like I've always felt this way and I'm just putting words to it now so I don't really expect anyone to "understand" when I don't even myself

 

[Willdieby30]

there is really no "safe" or efficient way for one to choose not live and take significant steps towards ending one's own life. so basically, it's because other people, with power, have decided for you what your best interests are, and they can concurrently choose ignorance over understanding. and this ignorance is prevalent because it's unpopular to want to die.

 

[AintNoWayOut]

i'd say theres also two sides to me if i were to simplify it... the physical, which is all fucked up from chronic pain issues, and the more emotional, which actually wants to enjoy and appreciate life but isnt able to anymore thanks to my constant state of physical discomfort.

just as an example, it snowed last night and left the area around my house looking really nice. so while i was out shoveling the snow today, i WANTED to take in and enjoy the atmosphere and sights around me like i used to when i was younger, but since i was unable to look around without my defective body acting up with every move, joints clicking and muscles tightening, i could no longer really do that since all my attention was then on how my body felt. this basically applies to everything i do now, the pain takes front seat and inhibits me from just "living" and soaking in the energy around me. life was by no means perfect but damn did i take a lot for granted.

 

[sadworld]

I'm sorry you feel so uncomfortable with living. I feel like many of us have 2 sides. But for me it's more like pretending to be someone that I'm not because no one would like to see my true me. Crying can be really relieving sometimes. Some sob sessions are always needed.

Sending and