NSFW Why people miss or like being abused ?

[FoxSauce]

TW: I knew this is messed to think about but do people like being abused?

If this question triggers you, please leave I dont want to make anyone fell distressed.


When I was a kid my mom would sometimes insult me and my siblings when she was really angry, called us names and threats of violence or hitting us sometimes.


I remeber one time I didnt do something right and she said: what am I gonna do with you? I didnt mean this to be bratty but I asked: "Aren't you gonna hit me?" "You can if it makes you feel better." Which she said ok and did so. Its unsettling but when she left I started to smile.

Sometimes in a way enjoy not in a sexual way but makes me feel sick with myself. I feel deep down that I deserve it.

Im not mocking abuse or anything like that at all my mom can be sometimes emotionally abusive. I realized later one sometimes when i dont do what she wants she would ignore you or not apeak to you or treat other people good and you would feel left out.


Idk this post is kinda long I ust wanna make sense of it.


Edit: I have no clue if its even abuse but i mentioned it to my psychologist qnd he replied she is emotionally abusive.
I still have a hardtime believing it. Since tbh i think it wasnt that bad.

If I didnt explained myself correctly let me know

 

[dewdrop]

This has been on my mind lately, too, so i felt a little relieved when this thread popped up, like I'm not the only one experiencing these conflicted feelings. I've always felt ashamed of myself for missing being abused, or even fantasizing about it. i don't know why. It was terrifying and awful, don't get me wrong, but there is something about it that I yearn for. I don't know if it's the attention I got or my brain just got conditioned to the treatment, but I've never told anyone, because I feel so guilty about it.

Like you mentioned in your post, a big part of it for me is feeling like I'm getting what I deserve. I guess it makes me feel better because I'm being hurt so I don't need to feel guilty, I'm "atoning" for the bad things I've done, and it distracts me from my own feelings towards myself. Maybe similarly to self harm, it provided some sort of emotional relief.

I think i also just miss being a kid. I traumabonded a lot with my abuser and I associate them with safety and my childhood. I think my brain just involuntarily "age regresses" sometimes, as embarrassing as that is, and maybe I miss someone having that power over me. It's something I feel really stupid even admitting on here. I just want to get beaten up sometimes.

I'm really sorry you went through this, and are still experiencing these confusing feelings. I really think it is normal for abuse victims to have these kinds of thoughts. Abuse distorts your perception of everything and fundamentally changes how your brain develops. I hope you are doing okay. <3

 

[identity0]

At least when someone is abusing you they are paying attention to you, and willingly expending effort on interacting with you.

 

[Haematemesis]

i wonder the reason behind it because i self sabotage my life because of this too often

 

[RoseGirl]

so real tbh, I think it's probably todo with our brains naturally binding anything our parents do as being positive and caring. As a kid i hated getting choked out but like, now it's so hot :c
As I progressively become a worse person i continue to feel a stronger need to be beat or hit or abused in some kind of way to make up for the pain i've caused others.
I wanna feel myy stupid tears running down my face as i get beat till i can't move. Then i wanna bee cuddled and loved and told everything's gonna be okay :c

+ Being physically hurt kinda takes away the emotional pain when being forced to have sex against ur will and like i feel like that can eventually grow into being its own kink...

 

[FoxSauce]

so real tbh, I think it's probably todo with our brains naturally binding anything our parents do as being positive and caring. As a kid i hated getting choked out but like, now it's so hot :c
As I progressively become a worse person i continue to feel a stronger need to be beat or hit or abused in some kind of way to make up for the pain i've caused others.
I wanna feel myy stupid tears running down my face as i get beat till i can't move. Then i wanna bee cuddled and loved and told everything's gonna be okay :c

+ Being physically hurt kinda takes away the emotional pain when being forced to have sex against ur will and like i feel like that can eventually grow into being its own kink...

Fr?!
I didnt knew that...but for me its not sexual...but i didnt know it can turn to that.

 

[Namelesa]

At least when someone is abusing you they are paying attention to you, and willingly expending effort on interacting with you.

Yea i feel this. I would rather be abused than ignored or abandoned as then i actually matter and of use and not have to feel empty. Being left means I am meaningless.

 

[FoxSauce]

I feel the same way

Makes me feel more disgusted with myself...

Yea i feel this. I would rather be abused than ignored or abandoned as then i actually matter and of use and not have to feel empty. Being left means I am meaningless.

 

[lukewarmlemon4de]

TW: I knew this is messed to think about but do people like being abused?

If this question triggers you, please leave I dont want to make anyone fell distressed.


When I was a kid my mom would sometimes insult me and my siblings when she was really angry, called us names and threats of violence or hitting us sometimes.


I remeber one time I didnt do something right and she said: what am I gonna do with you? I didnt mean this to be bratty but I asked: "Aren't you gonna hit me?" "You can if it makes you feel better." Which she said ok and did so. Its unsettling but when she left I started to smile.

Sometimes in a way enjoy not in a sexual way but makes me feel sick with myself. I feel deep down that I deserve it.

Im not mocking abuse or anything like that at all my mom can be sometimes emotionally abusive. I realized later one sometimes when i dont do what she wants she would ignore you or not apeak to you or treat other people good and you would feel left out.


Idk this post is kinda long I ust wanna make sense of it.


Edit: I have no clue if its even abuse but i mentioned it to my psychologist qnd he replied she is emotionally abusive.
I still have a hardtime believing it. Since tbh i think it wasnt that bad.

If I didnt explained myself correctly let me know

I honestly relate. sometimes, i fantasise about my mother choking me or being physically abusive to me in public. i guess its because i kind of wished my parents left a mark (like a bruise or a scar) when they hit/smacked me so at least it would be "serious" enough to be "serious trauma". (especially in some countries its not legally considered as child abuse unless it leaves a physical mark- which i disagree)

(tw: kinks???) i guess this mindset also kinda contributed to my (mild) masochism- i want my gf to choke me or i (used to) fantasise about her brutally killing me.

sorry if this was a massive overshare, please tell me if this is inappropriate

 

[bankai]

I honestly relate. sometimes, i fantasise about my mother choking me or being physically abusive to me in public. i guess its because i kind of wished my parents left a mark (like a bruise or a scar) when they hit/smacked me so at least it would be "serious" enough to be "serious trauma". (especially in some countries its not legally considered as child abuse unless it leaves a physical mark- which i disagree)

(tw: kinks???) i guess this mindset also kinda contributed to my (mild) masochism- i want my gf to choke me or i (used to) fantasise about her brutally killing me.

sorry if this was a massive overshare, please tell me if this is inappropriate

It's not an overshare. Fantasies are all right. Following through with them is something completely different

Also, the thread is marked NSFW. No issues.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not sure but, I had a childhood friend who's partner was abusive- literally broke her ankle once. I wanted to break his neck! Her father was also abusive towards her Mum. He would get drunk and slap her about, then buy flowers and promise to never do it again... until he did.

I've heard that we go for what is familiar- rather than what is good for us necessarily. I think that's true. Patterns seem to repeat in people's lives.

All of her family and friends were (naturally) so worried about them- the daughter and the mother at various times. They even tried to get them to leave their abusive partners but, they wouldn't.

It doesn't make sense to me. I think I'd be outraged if anyone tried to abuse me. Even though I'm not brimmining with self love and confidence, I have enough respect for myself to refuse to be treated like that. (I would hope.)

Maybe that's a part of it. Maybe some people already hate themselves and believe they deserve it. Maybe they've already internalised feelings of lower self worth. I don't know. I think people definitely get gas lit into believing it is their fault.

Maybe some are just desperate for any kind of relationship/ being needed. Again, that totally baffles me but then, I'm comfortable being alone. I doubt I'd put up with any discomfort in a relationship because, what benefit would it be when I'm fine alone?

Regarding what you said to your Mum, I may be reading this wrong but I think that was more about confronting/ exposing her for her own bad behaviour. Did you actually want to be hit in that moment or, was it more about shaming her in a way? Which she deserved. I think it's rare people deserve physical violence.

Sadly though, I think some people just aclimatise to it. Almost see it as 'home' so, it's no real surprise when they end up with abusive partners. They've been taught that's what 'love' and 'normality' is.

I think shitty abusive parents ought to bare that in mind. Even if they pride themselves on 'only' abusing their partner rather than their children, their children will still witness all that shit going on. They ought to be asking themselves how they'll feel when their children end up being beaten black and blue by some arsehole they felt attracted to. Domestic violence is terrible. Not to say it's always men either. Women are guilty too.

 

[yuppieflu]

Such a thing definitely exists! The familiar option is considered by our brains to be far more valuable than any potentially rationally better option.

The point is, if you've ever survived, then your survival strategy has worked. Most often this strategy is formed in childhood and remains in an unzoned form throughout life. I apologize for the crude example, I don't know if this is how it works for everyone, but there is a good chance that if a person experienced abuse from a parent as a child, they may be subconsciously drawn to an abusive partner in the future.

Such a thing definitely exists! The familiar option is considered by our brains to be far more valuable than any potentially rationally better option.

The point is, if you've ever survived, then your survival strategy has worked. Most often this strategy is formed in childhood and remains in an unzoned form throughout life. I apologize for the crude example, I don't know if this is how it works for everyone, but there is a good chance that if a person experienced abuse from a parent as a child, they may be subconsciously drawn to an abusive partner in the future.

Sorry if my rant is off-topic but i feel like it may add up to these whole ideas as an example

Anyway. for me personally it's a sore subject! my girlfriend left me just because of disagreements in this matter, she wanted a very specific cruel treatment of herself in certain scenarios, and I could not provide it >< I had tears and made me sick at the thought that my loved one wants me to cause her pain

I'm so obsessed with this idea that I've probably scoured the internet looking for answers to all these questions, but it's not helping me at all and it's like it's just fogging my mind more and more.

Definitely one of the saddest and most painful things in the world. It is incredibly hard for me to think of all the poor people who suffered as children and were not loved and HAVE been conditioned to this state and are looking for this vicious circle to continue. we don't have to repeat the scenarios of our parents and I hope that the ideas of caring and working through such issues will be more developed and prioritized in the future and no one will have to suffer like this

 

[amerie]

I don't really like telling people I was abused throughout my childhood especially since my parents tried their best with what they knew and they had their own unhealed pain, but I lowkey was, so I think I know the answer.

It's the same reason why people crave junk food, it's unhealthy, and it makes you feel bad. But it's familiar, and it's so hard to eat healthy when that's what you've eaten your entire life. Bad habits are hard to break when you've been doing it for a while.

I also think that, and I HATE HATE HATE saying this omg, but I think people also like the "victim" mentality and get addicted to it because we become hopeless in our circumstances and think that's the best way to accept what's happened to us. Our abusers beat us down so badly, and feeling bad for ourselves is a way for us to take control so I think this makes it hard for people to leave.

I think with grooming and SA people also see it as a form of love esp if they've been neglected in areas in their life.