Discussion Why live if I can't control myself?

[DyingEmperor2]

We live in an age where productivity and self-control is everything. We're getting poorer every year (relative to what stuff costs) and everyone has to desperately swim against the currents just to keep their heads above the water and make a decent living. Everyone has to learn their entire lives, any kind of job that isn't soul-crushing demands that you constantly learn.
Self-improvement is everything. If you're fat, people won't fuck you. If you're lazy, you will live in poverty. If you aren't personable, nobody will want to spend time with you. We're all supposed to be making ourselves better, it's the buzzword of our time, and for good reason.

And I can't fucking do it.
I feel like I'm watching myself live a life, instead of being the person who lives that life and makes decisions. It's like I'm a little gnome, trapped inside this head of mine. All the "controls" are broken and the rest of the "human" that is me simply resorts to the most basic routines and the bare minimum. The entire person just runs on autopilot and doesn't give 2 fucks about what's going to happen tomorrow or how the consequences of his actions will impact him later down the line.

I am incapable, as proven over 30 years now, to do any of the following: Self-improvement in any way whatsoever, impulse control, delayed gratification, learning anything, practicing any kind of skill, completing any kind of course, working on my body, working on my routines, organising things, keeping my papers in order etc. etc. In other words, I am completely unfit to live in the modern world and the only fate that I have to look forward to is to be some shit-shoveling retail worker.

...I can't live like this. Nobody can live like this. It's a fucking catch 22: I need self-dicipline to improve myself, but I need to improve myself to obtain self-discipline. Without this skill, I am completely fucked, as improving my life in any way becomes impossible.

I've already got therapy, made me feel better for 2 years, but after these years I've realized that the only thing that has changed is that I don't hate myself as much...that doesn't mean that I'm any better off in any way, in fact, therapy has tricked me into not wanting to kill myself, even though that is the only logical thing I could do.

I will never get better...because I don't want to get better. All I want to do is sit on my ass, play video games and smoke weed. That's IT. I would like to have sex as well but of course no self-respecting woman would touch me with a 10 foot pole so that's out of the question. This lazyness is so overbearing, so unbreakably powerful that I am doomed.

I want to have my own family, have your run-of-the-mill fulfilling life where I leave something behind me after I die so my life wasn't for nothing...but I can barely look after my own cellphone or my shoes, I break my shit all the time, I have really strong ADHD and it completely nullifies my existence: I fuck up everything, I forget everything, I break everything, I lose everything. It just occurred to me today that mmmmaybe just maybe I should not punish a child with myself. My mum didn't fucking think about this before she shat me out into this world and I did swear to do better than her...so maybe the "doing better" part is to not do it at all?

To get to the point where I could be happy, I would need to completely transform myself in every way possible: The person who I am now is rotten and worthless to the core and the whole thing must be thrown out the window: my habits, my preferences, my interests, my favorite conversation topics, what I don't and do enjoy, EVERYTHING IS BAD.
And I cannot do it. I can't even do a little. I can't do ANYTHING. Everything I do fails, everything I try backfires. If I won't have a family then why even bother getting off my ass.
But this means I will become the fucking south park WoW guy and will be bitter, horny and regretful for the rest of my life. I see the direction I'm headed and I do not have access to the controls that I would need to stop myself from getting there: I just can't be bothered. "I'll do it tomorrow". THERE IS NO TOMORROW YOU FAT FUCK, YOU HAVE AROUND 3-4 YEARS LEFT UNTIL NO SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WILL ******EVER***** WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU!!!! THE DOOR WILL CLOSE FOREVER AND THERE IS NOOO TURNING BACK, THERE IS NO TOMORROW... Let me roll another fucking joint.
I'm done. I think the only logical thing I can do is to kill myself. Agree or disagree?

 

[DyingEmperor2]

I ordered 5 meters of rope. It arrives on Monday. I do not want to be this person anymore. I cannot become a better person, I don't have the strength/willpower/discipline. Staying like this is guaranteed misery for at least another 30 years. I can't do that. I just want to sleep. I want to be free, I want peace. I don't want any more pain, disappointments, any more failed attempts. I am tired of failing and failing and failing. This time, I will do one thing right.

 

[mortuarymary]

Why 3-4 years left. I don't get that part, sorry xx

 

[DyingEmperor2]

As a 31 year old I still have a hope of finding a beautiful young woman, in theory. Once I hit 35 the chances start rapidly dropping and by 40 the door is completely closed.
A pretty lady in her early 20s may still consider a 31-33 year old, but not a 35-40 year old. Once I hit that age there will be nothing left but "the leftovers" cruel as it may sound. There will be the female versions of myself left: mentally ill, fat, unattractive, unpersonable, grumpy, bitter, regretful, hateful. Probably with 2 kids that aren't mine.
I refuse to be like my stepdad who settled with a woman 5 years older than him with 2 kids. I am not going to be a nice guy. I am not going to finish last. I will not be a loser and a beta for the rest of my life. I'd rather die with dignity.

 

[mortuarymary]

That's bollocks. Well in my eyes. I didn't find my real love until I was 43.
Being female I prefer a older more mature man than someone under 35 who still acts like he's a kid.
Tried dating sites?

 

[DyingEmperor2]

Of course I have. I'm somewhere around 1000 messages sent. I scored a few fat bitches who couldn't even get me hard. Found a "GF" 3 countries away who used me for money.
I'm a 2/10 for a guy. I can't improve on that, therefore, I must die to avoid living with overwhelming pain for the rest of my life.
"didn't find my real love until I was 43" that sounds like the most depressing shit ever. No offense to you, but 40+ women get cold, frigid and no longer desire their men. Maybe for you this is delayed until 50 due to how late you've found him, but it's coming for you as it comes for every woman. The VJ freezes up, you don't want your hubby to touch you anymore or as much. It's the fate of every couple I've seen.
That's why I'm so desperate for a young wife so I can at least enjoy life a little bit before I settle into the hamster wheel for the rest of my life. But I can see now that I can never get that and so I will kill myself to end the shame and suffering.

 

[mortuarymary]

Stop it with the fat bitches (but it did make me laugh)

But I had lots of hot fucking sex until I found the one. I wasn't waiting around for him, he came along, was rather sexually filthy and my kind of person.

yes, in our 40s we start to develop menopause (we just can't win)

BTW I've given my hubby permission to touch others. It's the hippy in me lol

 

[Quantum Particle]

You're not too old at 31 pal and some of your comments made me laugh as well. I live in hope that you find a young women to suck your knob while you skin up on her back waiting for your game to load. I now await my telling off from @mortuarymary for that sexist remark

 

[DyingEmperor2]

As soon as I put the effort in I would get her. Unfortunately, I'm incapable of putting any effort into myself.
You get what you deserve. Evidently, I deserve nothing but the unwanted scraps.

Over 1000 women over 15 years have spoken: I am not worthy. I tried changing this. I failed. Many, many times and often catastrophically. Trying only seems to make things worse.


I refuse to be this person. I would rather die than finish last.

And yes, my point is that 31 isn't too late, but 35 is, at that point the window of opportunity to prove to myself that I can attract someone attractive is closing rapidly and by 40 it's gone for good.

At that point the best I will be able to even hope for is someone damaged, unwanted, fat, mentally ill and unattractive, like myself.

No. Death is better.

 

[Quantum Particle]

My ex who I had two kids with ditched me for a 42yr old when she was 27, I was 32 then but then I suppose I see your point because you would be bringing up someone else's children which you don't want to do. But shit the girl from 2 countries away used you for money, bang out of order
Edit: 3 countries away even

 

[DyingEmperor2]

I don't want to be a failure. It's not exactly that I would mind raising someone else's kids, if the woman that came with those kids was worth it and was prepared to make more babies with me.

Unfortunately, the type of woman that I could hope for won't be just a girl who has a bad partner. It will be someone old, fat, ugly, mentally ill and broken, like me. Her having 2 kids just adds insult to injury, making me the ultimate loser that couldn't get what he wants and now has to provide for someone else's success for the rest of his life.

I refuse to do so. If this is the best I can do then I won't do anything. I will die so I don't have to be a living reject.

 

[DyingEmperor2]

I still haven't gotten an answer to the question. I'm not here for pity or fortune-telling crystal-globe havin' people who can somehow predict that I will oh-so-definitely find my pair. I've been listening to the same fortune-telling for around 18 years by now and at this point I get violently angry at such baseless predictions.

But this isn't just about women either, I suck at everything in general: I cannot study (tried year 1 of a uni course, twice, failed both times, racked up a shitton of student debt and I had to run away from the country in question), I cannot self-teach or learn anything at home, I can't even drag my ass into the gym for longer than a month.

Because of my ADHD, I lose/break/forget everything. I broke my phone's screen and had it fixed around 4 months ago, it is now broken again. After 1.5 years I could finally buy a new pair of shoes, less than 2 months ago: I tore the heel off yesterday, because I didn't unzip it first. Beautiful, gorgeous Mustang leather boots, weatherproof, everything. 80+ euros, gone in an instant. I did demeaning physical work on the side by my main job just so I could afford stuff like that: I broke it basically instantly. Of course I don't have the receipt, that would suggest I can keep my papers in order.

These might sound like trivial items and in the grand scheme of things, they are...but if I can't take care of a phone, a pair of boots or a few pieces of paper, then how am I going to take care of a business? A spouse? A child?

"Ooops sweetheart, I'm sorry but I dropped the baby and cracked his skull on the pavement because I was thinking about whether or not warhammer 40k orks have cocks or not, but don't worry, we can just make another one, amirite?"

Fuck no. I am too dysfunctional, too broken, too faulty and out-of-control to function in this world. I cannot increase my earnings. I cannot make myself more attractive. I cannot take care of people around me. Therefore, I belong at the bottom of a dark pit where I can't harm anyone, including myself.

However, I already know what that life feels like and it feels like shame, failure and regret. No more. I'm out. Maybe I will re-incarnate into a functional family, I don't even care if it's in some poverty-stricken 3rd world shithole, I just want to be born to parents who love me and love each other and take care of me until I can take care of myself (and later, take care of them too).

As I am, my existence is a net loss for the world, as I make everything worse around me. It's not even that I'm sacrificing myself for the world in some way, I'm forcing the world to make sacrifices for me, which is selfish and unjust.

If improvement is impossible, stagnation is unacceptable and regression is a nightmare, the only logical solution is death. Why suffer being stuck in this personality if I'm also a burden for the rest of the world?

Give me a reason not to do it. Tell me why I'm wrong, what I'm missing. Please, for the love of god, do not predict or fortune tell. "I'm sure you..." no, you're not sure. You're making up lies. You haven't the faintest idea who I am and how hopeless my case is. There are bitter, failed and depraved men in their 40s out there, that's just a fact. You cannot reasonably predict that I won't become one, especially since I'm already there except for the 40s part.

 

[Katdogg]

I agree with you completely. Roll the joint, light it up and inhale deeply. You are in the right place. Misery loves company...make yourself at home.

Do you find yourself living in the present? Or focusing more on the unattainable future?

 

[Hotsackage]

It's kind of hard to function in society when your mental illness or w.e won't let you. Don't be so hard on yourself

 

[DyingEmperor2]

I agree with you completely. Roll the joint, light it up and inhale deeply. You are in the right place. Misery loves company...make yourself at home.

Do you find yourself living in the present? Or focusing more on the unattainable future?

I constantly try and think of ways to obtain a realistically obtainable future. Losing weight and doing some extra training is not "unattainable" or at least it shouldn't be. I fantasize about this beautiful girl that I haven't even approached, because she's fit and I'm a fat cunt and she would flatly reject me, as every single girl like her always has. (no, this is not some hopeless talk, trust me, I know my limits, she would just be creeped out by me asking, happened before).

I wanted to lose weight and ask her out later this year, but I can't even stick to a gym routine for more than a month. I tried to increase my income by taking a second job...got a grand total of 2 clients for about 50 euros a week extra. I tried to go to uni, I only got into more debt. I tried to work extra so I can have a few nice things, I break, lose, fuck up all of them.

The present is worthless. There is no reason to be in it, if I could fast-forward my life and watch myself live in the fucking gym until my abs auto-oil themselves I would. It's literally go home, get high, play games. Except I've smoked all my money and now I can't even afford weed.

My body is so fucking starved for oxytocin and stuff that I'm literally going crazy. Nobody has ever wanted me. Ever. There were people who accepted my advances and allowed me to pleasure them, but not a single person wanted to make me as happy as I wanted to make them.

The best thing I could do with my life is to spend every waking moment improving myself: Picking up new interests and hobbies so I have something to talk about, working out 2-3 hours every single day and attending some kind of course to learn a new job. I *DO* have time for all of this, thanks to a job that allows me to work part-time and still survive. All I have to do is get off my ass and do it...and I won't. I never will. I know this now. Because I'm a failure and an incompetent fuck who doesn't want to be happy and just wants mediocre suffering.

The person I am right now is completely unsuitable for literally everything imaginable. You could put me in an empty rubber room with 2 iron balls, I'd lose one and break the other.

I am most certainly NOT in the right place. If I keep on this path I'll be the WoW guy from South Park. All that will have happened is that I suffered another 10 years, made a bunch of people around me suffer and now I have to kill myself anyway.

 

[DyingEmperor2]

It's kind of hard to function in society when your mental illness or w.e won't let you. Don't be so hard on yourself

This is exactly what my therapist has taught me 2 years ago. My mental health improved and I wasn't suicidal for the last 2 years.
...which was the biggest trap ever. Even this has backfired as everything else does. The therapist said that I will naturally become more productive as I improve my relationship with my inner child and resolve my internal conflict. However, not hating myself didn't do shit: I'm just as lazy, worthless and unproductive.

If 2 years of "not being hard on myself" wasn't enough, then nothing will be. I don't have another 2 years, I don't even have 2 months: my youth is slipping away and soon I will have to live with unfulfilled desires and abject, indisputable failure for the rest of my life.
If I got off my ass RIGHT NOW and started working hard every day then MAYBE I could still clutch a decent life...but I can't do it.
I'm just mentally ill enough to be dysfunctional and broken, but just healthy enough to be expected to perform exactly like a normal person. I have too many problems and I don't have time to fix all of them. If I was 20 today it would be a different story, I'd have plenty of time to get my shit together before I become grey, wrinkly, bald and impotent....but I'm not 20, I'm fucking 31. Even if I fixed everything in my fourties, I will have already lost half my life to constant misery and isolation and the best I could do at that point is some divorced, used, abused, ugly and fat woman who can't get anything better than me.
I will not allow the world to control my fate, I will not allow my failures to drag me along this miserable path. I'll end it on my terms.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Your first post sounded alright and then you started insulting women in your subsequent posts so, not great...I think you'd improve a lot if you quit smoking weed, it's probably the source of a lot of your problems. Pot makes people lazy. And women don't like weed smokers usually so it's gonna be one of the major turn offs (that and the way you speak about older women) so I'd suggest you quit smoking that for one and see if your motivation improves.

 

[DyingEmperor2]

Your first post sounded alright and then you started insulting women in your subsequent posts so, not great...I think you'd improve a lot if you quit smoking weed, it's probably the source of a lot of your problems. Pot makes people lazy. And women don't like weed smokers usually so it's gonna be one of the major turn offs (that and the way you speak about older women) so I'd suggest you quit smoking that for one and see if your motivation improves.

I act the exact same way, whether I smoke weed or not. I've gone without a single puff for most of last year, nothing changed.
I am in no mood to sugarcoat my words. Those women that I've talked about were failures, just like me. They were desperate enough to tolerate someone like me for a night. In case you didn't notice, my own words for myself are far harsher than anything I say to women.

And to make it clear, I'm not some incel shit: I don't blame women for my failures, they are perfectly justified in not wanting me, it's up to me to change that, and I can't. That is my fault and I should die so I don't have to live with the shame, isolation and craving.

The fact that I recognize the few women who did tolerate me as unattractive, fat and desperate is just a factual observation. It's not an insult if it's true. I feel sorry for those girls, they must be having it really fucking bad to sleep with me.

 

[Hotsackage]

I'm 36 man, I don't know how I can help you, but I'm the same. I'm on disability, can't do shit. I don't like death being a treatment, but if functioning is beyond someone's capabilities, where do they turn?

 

[DyingEmperor2]

I'm 36 man, I don't know how I can help you, but I'm the same. I'm on disability, can't do shit. I don't like death being a treatment, but if functioning is beyond someone's capabilities, where do they turn?

I don't even get disability. I am well enough to function, according to the government.

In truth I'm coasting along on a private tutoring job in a remote rural area with 0 competition, and even that is just barely enough to survive. I live at the bottom of the edge of the world and I'm expected to make that dough like every healthy person. I can't. I just want to sleep.

 

[Hotsackage]

It's rough man, living with chronic illness. People really have no idea. Can you get a better job somewhere, that you could swing, without your w.e is bothering getting in the way?

 

[DyingEmperor2]

It's rough man, living with chronic illness. People really have no idea. Can you get a better job somewhere, that you could swing, without your w.e is bothering getting in the way?

Nope. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't afford to move, deposit, nothing. I also cannot learn any new skills because I'm worthless like that.

 

[Hotsackage]

I feel you

 

[divinemistress36]

Stop it with the fat bitches (but it did make me laugh)

But I had lots of hot fucking sex until I found the one. I wasn't waiting around for him, he came along, was rather sexually filthy and my kind of person.

yes, in our 40s we start to develop menopause (we just can't win)

BTW I've given my hubby permission to touch others. It's the hippy in me lol

You don't get jealous?

I'm 36 man, I don't know how I can help you, but I'm the same. I'm on disability, can't do shit. I don't like death being a treatment, but if functioning is beyond someone's capabilities, where do they turn?

36 and on disability too

 

[mortuarymary]

You don't get jealous?

36 and on disability too

He's early 60s and no I don't get jealous. He's not done it but info say a lot to him he's allowed.

 

[Linda]

All I want to do is sit on my ass, play video games and smoke weed. If you are sure that is what you really want to do in life, then do it. You only get one chance at life. This isn't a rehearsal. But it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask yourself, searchingly, whether is is what you really want to do in life. For the rest of your life.

 

[DyingEmperor2]

All I want to do is sit on my ass, play video games and smoke weed. If you are sure that is what you really want to do in life, then do it. You only get one chance at life. This isn't a rehearsal. But it wouldn't be a bad idea to ask yourself, searchingly, whether is is what you really want to do in life. For the rest of your life.

Of course not. Like I said, I'd rather die than live like that, I want to live a happy and fulfilling life, but I simply cannot. The urge to do nothing and be unproductive is so overwhelmingly strong that I cannot make myself do anything else. If I force it, and drag myself, kicking and screaming into the gym, I stop going after a few weeks, maybe a month.
This is the point: I cannot control myself. The part of me that acts is like an incredibly stupid flesh robot, meanwhile, the actual me who is writing these words is simply stuck as a spectator. I cannot make the flesh robot exercise, learn or practice anything. I've tried and tried and tried and every single time it backfired in my face or was a waste of time.
The part of me that gets to decide what I do wants to do nothing. I'm going to kill that person on Monday. I'd rather the rest of us go down with him than for him to be in control for another fucking day.
My therapist told me to care for my inner child and make friends with him and he will carry me to productivity. He was lying. The inner child just got comfortable and procrasinated for 2 years straight "finally, the angry adult is not shouting at me! yaaaay, I can finally do nothing at all!"
I am going to kill that part of me. His tyranny will end. I would rather die than be a loser.

 

[Linda]

I'm not a psychiatrist, so anything I say here depends on common sense, which may or may not be helpful for you. But it seems to me that you need to find something that you don't need to "drag" yourself to. You need to find something that you will like so much that it drags you. I have no idea what that something might be, or even whether there is such a something. You will have to figure that out for yourself. If you can't find anything, then it may be that ctb is your only remaining option, but I'm not sure that you have reached that stage yet.

 

[DyingEmperor2]

I'm not a psychiatrist, so anything I say here depends on common sense, which may or may not be helpful for you. But it seems to me that you need to find something that you don't need to "drag" yourself to. You need to find something that you will like so much that it drags you. I have no idea what that something might be, or even whether there is such a something. You will have to figure that out for yourself. If you can't find anything, then it may be that ctb is your only remaining option, but I'm not sure that you have reached that stage yet.

It seems to me that every time I make a post anywhere, there is a curve and the actually helpful people always seem to be late to the party.
That is a good idea...I just wish there was such a thing. Something that outweighed my urge to just sit on my ass at home? ....idk. I quite enjoy cycling, but even that is a chore and I have to make myself go. Also, I'm too fat and I keep breaking my bike, so that's not an option either.

Swimming and running are both out as well. Anything else would be a team game and that is absolutely not happening. At least I can't think of anything.

As far as professional stuff is concerned: I enrolled into a course to learn Video Game Design. Even THAT wasn't powerful enough to get me off my ass, and making games is the only thing that can even compete with my compulsion to play games.

Maybe there is no such thing. Maybe I'm more autistic than I've realised and I'm one of those people with an all-consuming monomaniacal interest...which in this case just so happens to be something that will rot me into a tragic husk of a human being.
I've thought about this before...but there really doesn't seem to be anything. I'm limited by either money, my own bodyweight or it sucks and I don't want to do it. Same goes for life skills: I don't want to learn any. I just want to exist. I'm happy to do my job and pay for my shit (if I could), but I am not willing to try getting yet another qualification that will do nothing for me.
For example, I got a security card in one of the countries that I lived in. Literally 4 months later: Covid. Go from happily employed in a new semi-skilled profession to being UNEMPLOYABLE in an instant.
The same shit happens whenever I try to do something. Get a forklift license? Surprise, you are diagnosed with ADHD and if there is one profession that you DEFINITELY do not want to say "Ooops", it would be "heavy machine operator" (closely behind soldiers and pilots).

It's like I'm cursed or something. Everything always fails.

If there was a thing that drew me I would do it, but there isn't....so ye. CTB. It will be hard, but I must do it. I cannot bear this pain anymore.

 

[Linda]

I used to enjoy getting out into the wilderness. Either alone or with friends: both were great. I don't know whether that would appeal to you. Being autistic would not be a disadvantage if you do it alone, and perhaps not much of a disadvantage if you do it in a group. But whatever you decide to do, whether it's "try again" or ctb, I wish you good luck.