-Raven's Night-
autistic/metalhead/wanna join the 27 club
- Jan 31, 2020
- 66
I know it maybe a bit disrespectful and I'm extremely sorry for dark's thoughts. (I gave my intrusive thought a name.... I know it's rare but I once thought he's a fragment alter)
frustrated, I received an email that was sent to everyone at my uni.
and for privacy stuff...etc...to put it short, a student passed away. ('recent death')
we are just freshman students.
I 'attempted suicide' a few weeks ago (thought by school, they thought I attempted suicide by overdosing, but I think it's self harming because I know that won't kill me. and that's done by my intrusive thought. not out of my will.)
and the office of students affairs really pissed me off. and yeah it's them sent that email. though I heard from others that the student didn't die by ctb, but physical reasons, I can still feel from other students' response that they are concerning about each other's mental health and support each other, like they even say, I respect every rational choice, it's ridiculous to force a person stay alive, and it makes me wanna scream out: yeah join us Pro-choicers!!!
I bet the office of students affairs would left out a sigh of wtf, that a student called -Raven's Night- almost died, and today here comes the real who died.
my intrusive thoughts took over my brain upon I digest the information. he's in jealousy. burning jealousy. and clueless but intensive thought, of why I can't trade my mental illness with some whatever physical illness, even terminal illness??? fuck mental illness, mood disorder, that make my group member thought I am messing with things by taking online remote learning, against my will, arranged by the office of students affairs, and Afraid that I ctb at uni. but nope. I know I can't ctb on campus because I know what the influence may be, media, lawsuit, against my favorite university that actually is so fucking nice and I can say I love it so much. I'm prone to recovery, I take meds, treatment resistant, however. mental disorder from childhood.
and here comes the email. a student of the same year died. poor girl
no media coverage, no judgement. only are endless people grieving in the online group chat, on campus students went to that room of residence hall to write down grieving words. people care about each other. CAPS trying their best taking care of students' mental health, and silence and respect and a thousands sentences left on their profile post like: ''it's the best to stay alive. survive is everything. I'm lucky to be still alive. if alive, everything will be better one day. take care, because we are still alive and it's blissful.'' alive. alive. alive. I'm sick. sick. throw up and sick. I don't want to be alive but not allowed. not allowed because my parents everytime they feel frustrated because they raised me for 18 years and I want ctb and it makes their efforts in vain. and heartbreaking. I don't want to let this happen but dark keeps telling me to die, to not exist is the best option because I don't belong to this planet.
and it's so ridiculous, I gaze at the email. and why, just why, on it wasn't my name, wasn't 'to inform you of the recent death of -Raven's Night-???? I'd say no one is more suicidal than me, if so, let's register sasu account and let's just engage with people with similar minds. and well, that's not me. somebody died, dark and I are still alive.
dark loves everything I hate. and those things he desires are what I am in great fear. for example, elevator. he created elaborate hallucinations for himself in the little airtight environment, which is what I am afraid of. and it's painful to have a thought not belong to me right filled in my brain, it weird and it sucks. I don't know who is actually suicidal. me or dark. honestly.
if the brain surgery can treat my mental illness and then I'll be all fine, will I still plan to ctb at 27, I don't know. But I know if my situation persists like this in next stage of my life, I'll never do great things, I'll never succeed, I'll fail, because mental illness is hard.
and I checked the form of MLOA, when this stigma of mental illness can go away, when can they don't separate mental illness from physical illness, I'm ashamed of mental illness my group member also hate me because my mental illness
excuse me.
I was in hypomania triggered by quetiapine once after I was kicked to home from uni. and I created a bunch of art, if you guys are interested have a look at https://www.deviantart.com/escitalaaaa and I'll be grateful. no one see my art. because actually, if the dead person is me, they'd see it.
only if I die I can stop hating myself, so as they. because I hate myself because I think others hate me for I hating myself and messing things up.
sorry for long venting.
Raven & Dark
frustrated, I received an email that was sent to everyone at my uni.
and for privacy stuff...etc...to put it short, a student passed away. ('recent death')
we are just freshman students.
I 'attempted suicide' a few weeks ago (thought by school, they thought I attempted suicide by overdosing, but I think it's self harming because I know that won't kill me. and that's done by my intrusive thought. not out of my will.)
and the office of students affairs really pissed me off. and yeah it's them sent that email. though I heard from others that the student didn't die by ctb, but physical reasons, I can still feel from other students' response that they are concerning about each other's mental health and support each other, like they even say, I respect every rational choice, it's ridiculous to force a person stay alive, and it makes me wanna scream out: yeah join us Pro-choicers!!!
I bet the office of students affairs would left out a sigh of wtf, that a student called -Raven's Night- almost died, and today here comes the real who died.
my intrusive thoughts took over my brain upon I digest the information. he's in jealousy. burning jealousy. and clueless but intensive thought, of why I can't trade my mental illness with some whatever physical illness, even terminal illness??? fuck mental illness, mood disorder, that make my group member thought I am messing with things by taking online remote learning, against my will, arranged by the office of students affairs, and Afraid that I ctb at uni. but nope. I know I can't ctb on campus because I know what the influence may be, media, lawsuit, against my favorite university that actually is so fucking nice and I can say I love it so much. I'm prone to recovery, I take meds, treatment resistant, however. mental disorder from childhood.
and here comes the email. a student of the same year died. poor girl
no media coverage, no judgement. only are endless people grieving in the online group chat, on campus students went to that room of residence hall to write down grieving words. people care about each other. CAPS trying their best taking care of students' mental health, and silence and respect and a thousands sentences left on their profile post like: ''it's the best to stay alive. survive is everything. I'm lucky to be still alive. if alive, everything will be better one day. take care, because we are still alive and it's blissful.'' alive. alive. alive. I'm sick. sick. throw up and sick. I don't want to be alive but not allowed. not allowed because my parents everytime they feel frustrated because they raised me for 18 years and I want ctb and it makes their efforts in vain. and heartbreaking. I don't want to let this happen but dark keeps telling me to die, to not exist is the best option because I don't belong to this planet.
and it's so ridiculous, I gaze at the email. and why, just why, on it wasn't my name, wasn't 'to inform you of the recent death of -Raven's Night-???? I'd say no one is more suicidal than me, if so, let's register sasu account and let's just engage with people with similar minds. and well, that's not me. somebody died, dark and I are still alive.
dark loves everything I hate. and those things he desires are what I am in great fear. for example, elevator. he created elaborate hallucinations for himself in the little airtight environment, which is what I am afraid of. and it's painful to have a thought not belong to me right filled in my brain, it weird and it sucks. I don't know who is actually suicidal. me or dark. honestly.
if the brain surgery can treat my mental illness and then I'll be all fine, will I still plan to ctb at 27, I don't know. But I know if my situation persists like this in next stage of my life, I'll never do great things, I'll never succeed, I'll fail, because mental illness is hard.
and I checked the form of MLOA, when this stigma of mental illness can go away, when can they don't separate mental illness from physical illness, I'm ashamed of mental illness my group member also hate me because my mental illness
excuse me.
I was in hypomania triggered by quetiapine once after I was kicked to home from uni. and I created a bunch of art, if you guys are interested have a look at https://www.deviantart.com/escitalaaaa and I'll be grateful. no one see my art. because actually, if the dead person is me, they'd see it.
only if I die I can stop hating myself, so as they. because I hate myself because I think others hate me for I hating myself and messing things up.
sorry for long venting.
Raven & Dark
