Venting Why is this so hard?

[Allpainnogain]

Hard in so many ways...hard to do the research, hard to do this correctly, hard to plan, hard not to get caught, hard not to be absolutely terrified but also hard to live with the emotional pain and suffering. I really wish our society understood how wretched it is to live like this and would help us. I'm so crippled by severe depression and anxiety that it is hard to find any strength to do this on my own. Yet everyday I live in hell, from the moment I wake up. I also get very little sleep despite meds. Things aren't going to get better and I wish there were an easy way out. I hate the broken shell I have become. Can't stand a minute longer yet don't have the strength to plan and carry this out properly

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

I totally agree with you...
Have you any idea at all of how you would do it?
I really hope you and all of us can some day find the peace we are longing for...
I dont sleep much either and now they want to change my meds again...i think they are just experimenting on me and many people....
We are human guinea pigs to them doctors!

And i hope you find to strength to decide what you are going to do that is best for you
Good luck

 

[Escaper Boy]

I wish I can give you any comforting words that can help you. But, as you clearly said, things are indeed hard. I imagine your situation is like a car stranded in the middle of nowhere, running out of fuel. You are stuck, unable to move anywhere. If someone could give you a refill, you would have the power to move on to your desired destination.

Or maybe, you can be that 'someone' who help you unstuck. Whatever that means to you. Either way, I hope you can get your "fuel" as soon as possible. It's not fun to stay in dark place for too long. Wish you luck.

 

[Allpainnogain]

I totally agree with you...
Have you any idea at all of how you would do it?
I really hope you and all of us can some day find the peace we are longing for...
I dont sleep much either and now they want to change my meds again...i think they are just experimenting on me and many people....
We are human guinea pigs to them doctors!

And i hope you find to strength to decide what you are going to do that is best for you
Good luck

Yes try this med and that med...nothing works and makes things worse I think. Nothing can fix my miserably depressing circumstances anyway. I want out so badly every night I pray I don't wake up.

I am thinking n but I'm not sure.... I'm scared of everything. The anxiety is crippling. Also the meds I'm on.... I don't know if they will make N fail. I hate this torture so much

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

Yes try this med and that med...nothing works and makes them nags worse I think. Nothing can fix my miserably depressing circumstances anyway. I want out so badly every night I pray I don't wake up.

I am thinking n but I'm not sure.... I'm scared of everything. The anxiety is crippling

I totally understand it is the worst feelin
The worrying the panic the racing thoughts not been able to make a decision its just complete torment in general.......
I spend most my days wishing and praying for god to take me or at least help me... showtimes im certain i want to ctb and others i just dont know

I wish for a better existence or just a break from the haunting thoughts and the people around me and from myself.......

 

[Alan James]

I can't do anything, even the simplest things. It seems the only real way for me is to starve without doing anything (literally just lying on the bed all day).

For me, bitcoins are a huge problem - my brain does not work, it's dead and i'am too stupid now, I can't understand anything in these bitcoins and I don't know how to buy them without electronic money (I don't have any bank accounts or credit cards). If it were possible in the country where I live just to use Westen Union for A it would be easy and beautiful but A told that only bitcoin is possible from there (Westen Union gets blocked - not online only but all payments). I can't buy N just because i can't buy bitcoins. Why it's so hard?

 

[NOT]

I am thinking n but I'm not sure.... I'm scared of everything. The anxiety is crippling. Also the meds I'm on.... I don't know if they will make N fail. I hate this torture so much

N wont fail it is a hypnotic like every sleeping pill. You will sleep forever.
Morphia also is goddess of dreams, but that is another combination.

 

[deathenvoy]

N can fail only if you have high tolerance to benzodiazepines, barbiturates or other drugs that messes with GABA receptors.

 

[headinghome]

Hard in so many ways...hard to do the research, hard to do this correctly, hard to plan, hard not to get caught, hard not to be absolutely terrified but also hard to live with the emotional pain and suffering. I really wish our society understood how wretched it is to live like this and would help us. I'm so crippled by severe depression and anxiety that it is hard to find any strength to do this on my own. Yet everyday I live in hell, from the moment I wake up. I also get very little sleep despite meds. Things aren't going to get better and I wish there were an easy way out. I hate the broken shell I have become. Can't stand a minute longer yet don't have the strength to plan and carry this out properly

I feel the same way about every single word that you have written… I am in continual hell suffering every second… Why this society prevents us from not having a painless relief is so inhumane and makes me so angry…

 

[NOT]

Body has primitive inteligence. It doesnt care if you are depressed, bipolar, or schizo. You have to hack the system to shutdown. Drugs or inert gas. Or you can blow your brains out.
Nevermind if you are being tortured, heart keeps pumping and CNS is working fine.

 

[Allpainnogain]

Body has primitive inteligence. It doesnt care if you are depressed, bipolar, or schizo. You have to hack the system to shutdown. Drugs or inert gas. Or you can blow your brains out.
Nevermind if you are being tortured, heart keeps pumping and CNS is working fine.

No my cognitive functioning is majorly impaired due to severe anxiety/panic and depression

N can fail only if you have high tolerance to benzodiazepines, barbiturates or other drugs that messes with GABA receptors.

Yes I have been on bentos for a long time I def think I have a tolerance to them as they don't work anymore. Great so this can fail too I want to cry! I wish I could figure out how to hang myself but I am too stupid to figure it out! Can't even go buy a rope or know how to tie a knot or anything at all about it! Ugh the suffering is just atrocious!!!!

I totally agree with you...
Have you any idea at all of how you would do it?
I really hope you and all of us can some day find the peace we are longing for...
I dont sleep much either and now they want to change my meds again...i think they are just experimenting on me and many people....
We are human guinea pigs to them doctors!

And i hope you find to strength to decide what you are going to do that is best for you
Good luck

What is your method?

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I can't do anything, even the simplest things. It seems the only real way for me is to starve without doing anything (literally just lying on the bed all day).

this is my life :( i feel you

 

[Mogley26]

Hard in so many ways...hard to do the research, hard to do this correctly, hard to plan, hard not to get caught, hard not to be absolutely terrified but also hard to live with the emotional pain and suffering. I really wish our society understood how wretched it is to live like this and would help us. I'm so crippled by severe depression and anxiety that it is hard to find any strength to do this on my own. Yet everyday I live in hell, from the moment I wake up. I also get very little sleep despite meds. Things aren't going to get better and I wish there were an easy way out. I hate the broken shell I have become. Can't stand a minute longer yet don't have the strength to plan and carry this out properly

Well said. If you were close we could do it together somehow.

 

[CursedForDisaster]

Pure survival instinct

 

[Mogley26]

Body has primitive inteligence. It doesnt care if you are depressed, bipolar, or schizo. You have to hack the system to shutdown. Drugs or inert gas. Or you can blow your brains out.
Nevermind if you are being tortured, heart keeps pumping and CNS is working fine.

This is why it's so important to end things soon. The longer I wait the harder it becomes.

 

[JadedGray]

Hard in so many ways...hard to do the research, hard to do this correctly, hard to plan, hard not to get caught, hard not to be absolutely terrified but also hard to live with the emotional pain and suffering. I really wish our society understood how wretched it is to live like this and would help us. I'm so crippled by severe depression and anxiety that it is hard to find any strength to do this on my own. Yet everyday I live in hell, from the moment I wake up. I also get very little sleep despite meds. Things aren't going to get better and I wish there were an easy way out. I hate the broken shell I have become. Can't stand a minute longer yet don't have the strength to plan and carry this out properly

I know how you feel. All you can think about is ending it, but you're too far gone to be able to, so you're stuck here waiting.